Loan for bar Mitzva

GLUE

Thu, May 16 2024, 9:25 pm

amother Feverfew wrote:

I’m in Lakewood and curious how that works with catering yourself? Can you explain how you did that?

For my older boys I just called Glatt Bite and ordered a few 9x13 trays, my last son I cooked some of the food.

we set up the tables with my kids our self
Put out a serving table with steno's
Did not have courses people just took what they wanted from the serving table
Some kids we had dessert which was cake at the serving table
Afterwords we cleaned up the place

Did not hire any waiters
Is this what you are looking for? or something else?

amother

Blonde

Thu, May 16 2024, 9:26 pm

amother Impatiens wrote:

That wasn’t my takeaway from that thread, I got that you can only spend less if you’re willing to do the absoloute bare minimum so your son has to be ok with being outside the social norm in Lakewood, self cater everything which isn’t feasible time wise for everyone or allowed in many halls or some people just had numbers that didn’t seem realistic and I think they may have been estimating rather than knowing how much they really spent.
And almost no one included tefilin. Tefilin plus clothing for the bar mitzvah boy alone is minimum $3k. That’s a huge number that’s not really avoidable before you even start with the simplest of events.

Where did you buy teffilin??
I just bought tefilin and it's 3k!!
I can't believe how either is

I ordered from somewhere in lakewood (I'm not from lakewood)

amother

↑ Honeydew ↓

Thu, May 16 2024, 9:28 pm

Ellie7 wrote:

I don’t live in Lakewood and my oldest son is not quite 6, but can I ask why the leining seems to be the lowest priority here? I mean doesn’t that count for something?

Keep in mind, not all boys lein. Especially in certain communities. My son leined maftir and haftorah, but we are fortunate that my dh was able to teach him.

amother

↑ Impatiens

Thu, May 16 2024, 9:31 pm

amother Honeydew wrote:

First off, a catered meal for 100 people is not a SMALL meal. You can invite just close family + class to the meal and then invite others for dessert or just to a shul Kiddush.
Also, why are you including the boy's new weekday wardrobe as a Bar Mitzvah expense?
And no one is begrudging you to make the Simcha of your choice. It's only because OP literally does not have the money for it, that we are telling her where to cut.

With our large family sizes 100 people can be close family only.
Why wouldn’t the wardrobe be included? It’s a whole new set of clothing all at once that you’re buying specifically because the boys change their dress style either in the beginning of 7th grade or when they put on tefilin. Its not in the same category as a fancy seudah but it’s good for people to be aware of what expenses they need to budget for in a short time frame.

↑ small bean ↓

Thu, May 16 2024, 9:57 pm

amother Feverfew wrote:

I’m in Lakewood and curious how that works with catering yourself? Can you explain how you did that?

Shabbos, I just cooked like I do every other week

The bo bayou, I bought my own paper goods. Ordered roll from bakery and brought to hall (I would've done parbaked baguettes but my son wanted the mushroom rolls), I made dips, bought coleslaw and pickles (we sliced the pickles the night before). By each place, I wanted something light and refreshing so we did melon balls, which we prepped ourselves the night before. Then we did a big buffet from Mike's chicken, 5 different chicken choices. Rice (which I made), egg rolls, kugel from another takeout and I bought prepaid frank n blanks and baked them sun morning.

I forgot there was steak salad also, I boight the steak, checked lettuce cherry tomatoes and dressing.

My son specifically wanted dessert from Rita's
So we boight that and had it delivered.

It's a lot of moving parts that have to come together at the end. You can do this simpler, not buffet and probably cheaper. Cheapest is obviously make all the food yourself.

↑ small bean ↓

Thu, May 16 2024, 10:07 pm

I want to add, I wasn't looking to save money when I did it this way. I was trying to do what my son wanted. There were definitely placed, I could've saved money and I should've ordered what I was told by the takeout placed, instead I was left with tons of leftovers, about $1k worth of food.

amother

Mimosa ↓

Thu, May 16 2024, 10:15 pm

I made a bar mitzvah a few months ago that was above 20K. Bh we can afford it and more, and we’ve been saving for all our boys bar mitzvahs. However, while we did spend on things that were important to us we were very careful to keep things reasonable. Here are some things on your list that I did not do:

Mashgiach
Ladies kiddush
Dessert for cousins and neighbors - if they’re not close enough to be invited for the whole meal they don’t need to be there
New sheitel
Hair for little girls - a high school girl can do it
Tefillin bag - we asked siblings to make that their gift
Tefillin - $3K split with a grandparent, we asked for that to be their gift
Shabbos meals were all home cooked
Leining lessons - my son didn’t lein
Bar mitzvah lessons we did, but thought it was a nice extra, not a necessity

My point is that my bar mitzvah was very beautiful and I’m the first one to say I spent money on extras because I could. However, I still tried to cut. If I was in your position I would be cutting out or downgrading most of your list…

amother

↑ Magnolia ↓

Thu, May 16 2024, 10:46 pm

amother Mimosa wrote:

If you were gifted 3,500 for tefillin and bag don’t think it’s fair to tell op to cut that out, she obviously doesn’t have family offering those gifts. And even without these extras a bar mitzva really isn’t cheap

amother

↑ Magnolia ↓

Thu, May 16 2024, 10:47 pm

Ellie7 wrote:

I don’t live in Lakewood and my oldest son is not quite 6, but can I ask why the leining seems to be the lowest priority here? I mean doesn’t that count for something?

Our Shul doesn’t let the boys lein, some don’t have patience or ear for it

amother

↑ Feverfew

Thu, May 16 2024, 10:48 pm

small bean wrote:

Thank you, this is helpful!

amother

↑ Magnolia ↓

Thu, May 16 2024, 10:50 pm

amother Honeydew wrote:

Maybe it’s community dependent but for most Yeshiva boys the day of their bar mitzva they literally change their wardrobe from head to toe necessitating over 1200 of shopping specifically due to this event so yes people usually budget this in. And even if they grow out of it quickly most people are not washing one or two sets of clothing every night so he will need enough for a week. The dressy stuff added up-pants need to be hemmed, can’t get online for cheap etc

amother

Arcticblue

Thu, May 16 2024, 10:59 pm

amother Mimosa wrote:

I also made a bar mitzva and also left out pretty much everything on your list, except that I did a very small dessert at the bar mitzva.
You really can make a beautiful, classy Simcha without all the extras.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, May 16 2024, 11:04 pm

amother Mimosa wrote:

The caterer told me I need to pay for mashgiach and waiters

I am paying for tefillin not parents so that’s included in 20,000

amother

↑ Mimosa ↓

Thu, May 16 2024, 11:04 pm

amother Magnolia wrote:

That’s what you took out of my whole list?
I was showing OP how even when I made a high end bar mitzvah I didn’t spend on some of the things that she is, so there is room to cut. I also used the gifts that family offered to help cover bar mitzvah costs instead of random gifts. Aside for that we covered every last penny ourselves. I’m sure she has family that’s planning on gifting something to the bar mitzvah boy, she could use those gifts toward expenses.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, May 16 2024, 11:05 pm

amother Magnolia wrote:

I think that the original list posted would actually cost $30k and a standard bar mitzva can easily cost 18-20k without any extras.
I’m not sure why people are posting such low amounts for shopping, but if he’s transitioning to a standard white shirt/dress pants/dress shoes wardrobe then that can easily hit 1,500 and that’s not even brand name. 4 pairs of pants, 6 shirts, 2 hats, 2 pairs of shoes, suit, coat (boys switch out of puffers at this age too) and good set of tefillin and a bag are easily 3K. A regular catered small meal (75-100 pple) is at cheapest 6k, and those halls get booked so in advance that not so easy to get. add in cheap music and pictures, kiddush even simple is 1,000 and that’s already 13k without any “extras” that most people include such as leining lessons, dessert table, centerpieces, bentchers, family shopping, invitations and in Lakewood most schools don’t let the classmates come so you need to do something for the class (not of your choosing, a preset lunch that must be catered, don’t know cost).
If you’ve made an out of the box simcha for less kol hakavod but please don’t attack us for overspending when this is the new reality and cost of bar mitzva. It’s difficult enough to pull off without having to defend every dollar. I thought I could do for less and even being extremely careful it was not cheap.

Thank you everyone thought I was crazy
Yes he needs a whole new wardrobe no more sneakers polo shirts and Childrens place pants so it’s a lot

amother

Lemonlime

Thu, May 16 2024, 11:07 pm

amother Magnolia wrote:

I live in Lakewood, recently bought for my Bar Mitzva son at His Place and a cheaper hat store.

It was roughly $800 - a couple of new white shirts (he had some already, so didn't need a ton), cheaper suit, jacket, 3 pairs of pants, wool coat (Suit Cellar), shein coat, tie ($17) and 2 hats. He got a new pair of Shabbos shoes and used his previous shabbos shoes for weekday.

(I came to say it was a lot less, but then looked up the prices and I guess you aren't so far off)

amother

↑ Oleander ↓

Thu, May 16 2024, 11:08 pm

amother Magnolia wrote:

Which community? I live in Lakewood and my son did not change his dress after bar Mitzva other than wearing a hat.

amother

↑ Oleander

Thu, May 16 2024, 11:08 pm

amother Mimosa wrote:

What are bar Mitzva lessons? Thought that was leining?

↑ mha3484

Thu, May 16 2024, 11:09 pm

I started piling up white shirts months before the bar mitzvah. Any time I saw a good price I bought. Im a big resale shopper and used poshmark too. Jos A Banks has a nice shirt that goes on sale occasionally. I bought a few when they were $20 each.

My son wasnt picky about his pants and wore his dark sneakers until he outgrew and got something a little nicer. The clothing is managable just do a little at a time.

Last edited by mha3484 on Thu, May 16 2024, 11:12 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

↑ Nemesia

Thu, May 16 2024, 11:11 pm

I'm not in Lakewood but I am in the tristate area.

I'm making a bar mitzvah in a month iyh.

I posted above but can put some coats out here.

Tefillin - 2k. Highest tier form my sofer. He had two other tiers but they were a couple hundred dollars apart and I went with the top. Bh my son got a pair with gorgeous ksav.

Bag- $235

Hat - We didn't buy it yet but my husband happens to have just needed a new hat since his got lost and it was about $300. So assuming it's about that per hat

Suit- $130

Shoes- $120.

Note: I waited to buy him shoes and a new suit for this otherwise he would have got it pesach

Actual costs for bar mitzvah I don't have 100% yet. I
I am doing a small breakfast Bo bayom. Probably cost like 3k altogether about.

I am doing a big shabbos. About 100 ppl per meal. I am cooking A LOT and catering the rest. My neighborhood does not have a place to do it so I am putting up a tent.