Only 60 people at DS's bar mitzvah

amother

Jean

Wed, May 01 2024, 1:39 pm

amother Sage wrote:

I guess this is totally community-dependent, but we had 60 at my son's bo bayom Bar Mitzvah last year and it was beautiful. 25 friends/classmates, 5 rebbeim, 30 relatives including our family. It was so nice and warm and focused on the real Simcha. We had music and dancing.
It also depends on the size and layout of your hall. The caterer/planner should know how to lay it out so it doesn't look pathetic.
For Shabbos Kiddush and lunch we had more people, about 150 and 75 respectively.

Same, and it was totally not pathetic. It was actually beautiful. But I planned for it to be small, and only invited our closest friends, plus family and my son's classmates. We used a hall that fit us perfectly and it was so nice and personal.

↑ Comptroller

Wed, May 01 2024, 1:47 pm

amother Latte wrote:

MANY marriages have less??
On which planet?
The vast majority of orthodox Jewish weddings at all ends of the spectrum, chareidi, dl, chassidish from chabad to bobov to stolin to satmar, mo, yu, cc, cb, bmg, have over a hundred people attending, and that includes in town, oot, the uk and Israel. Most go over 200, many over 300. It’s not unusual to attend a frum wedding that has more than 400 or even 500 guests.
The non Jewish world is a big place with a very diverse range of people and cultures but weddings of over 100 people are common.
60 people for a bar mitzvah is not a lot. Don’t make op feel dumb for asking a legitimate question. Also at this point it’s doubtful she can change the venue.
Having said that op, it’s not pathetic. It can look very nice. If you’re a warm hostess and paste a welcoming smile on your face it’ll be a beautiful simcha. If you’re using a caterer or party planner tell them what you’re concerned about. They’ll know how to lay out the tables and decorate the hall in a way that will make it look less empty.

I don't know.

In the late 70s early 80s, you had a few classmates and a few candies on a table (at home) for a bar mitzva, and even the candies were luxury.

What happened that people now seem to be ashamed to have "only" 60 guests at a bar mitzva?

Are we evolving towards the famous elephant bar mitzva story? Is this really healthy?

↑ Amelia Bedelia

Wed, May 01 2024, 1:59 pm

amother Lily wrote:

Chaim Berlin, merkaz hasimcha... I didn't know those are considered lavish, but they definitely do a beautiful job.

Some popular halls in BP are Skver, Pupa, Belz, Seville, Bais Esther, Lumiere. I believe they have 25-30 couple minimums.
Many people I know invite just grandparents and aunts and uncles and great-aunts and -uncles of the bar mitzvah bochur. Many don't invite children. Some schools don't allow classmates to attend. And then they call friends just for dessert.

Last edited by Amelia Bedelia on Wed, May 01 2024, 2:10 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Sienna

Wed, May 01 2024, 2:09 pm

Our Bar Mitzvas were all this size but basically all men like 50 men / 10 ladies or which half were boys. If your hall is big can you cut the size down with mechitzas? or tables with flowers? Add some tables with a mixture of large centerpieces and food to fill it up. Set up a small stage for the band. And bring along a pile of foil pans and foil so you could pack up the leftovers and freeze it.
Mazel Tov, and enjoy!

amother

↑ Latte

Wed, May 01 2024, 2:12 pm

Comptroller wrote:

Don’t worry. We’re not evolving into anything bad or unhealthy.
A few classmates didn’t turn out to be a good idea and I don’t think I need to explain. Most schools have a bar and bat mitzvah rule of no classmates or all. Some allow few if there are big classes like if most classes have over twenty kids you have a choice of inviting two or three or all of them.
The bar mitzvah boy usually has a few non class friends from the neighborhood or camp. He usually has siblings, parents , grandparents, aunts and uncles. There are big and small families. Sometimes parents want invite their own friends to the bar mitzva. It’s easy to get to 60 without being ridiculous and you can even understand a caterer having minimum of 100 people.
I’m old enough that I remember attending a couple of bar mitzvas in the 80’s and there was a lot more served than a few candies. A few candies on a table wasn’t, like you said, “luxury”, at least not where I’m from (popularly known as oot). Back in the 80’s there were even people who made a bar mitzva that involved taking a lot of guests to a hotel for the weekend.
There were always haves and have nots. If youre trying to guilt op into thinking her expectations are over the top or out of hand because she’s worried about having few guests I think you’re the one who doesn’t get it. I think op can have a beautiful affair though. The numbers don’t make the simcha memorable as much as the warm atmosphere and the guests happy to join in the simcha.

amother

Daylily

Wed, May 01 2024, 2:49 pm

We plan to make small bar mitzvahs for our two boys, when the time comes. Just their class, rebbeim, some close friends and our few living family members. We should honest be lucky if we have 60 people to come. To avoid renting a hall that feels empty or doing things to anyone's standard, we'll have a tent set up in our beautiful yard, flowers done and wonderful food catered. It'll be geshmack and personal. Made deliberately small and just for close friends and family. A one man band and were set. A Simcha can be as big or small as you want it. Our wedding had 250 people there. I knew, maybe, 20. The women's side felt empty and 20 years later, I still feel heartbroken over my empty side. I wanted a small wedding but quickly learned that my husband's family had expectations. Since I was young and dumb, I gave in to everything they wanted even though I paid for the food and hall. My husband and I wish we had a small wedding with only 60-80 people. I literally have no family (they're all niftar) so it was doubly painful. For our kids, they should never feel that. Small is just fine. If they have more people who WANT to be there, that's great too.

amother

Smokey

Wed, May 01 2024, 2:56 pm

I made a wedding with fewer people coming than I expected. It was still bH a beautiful simcha and I have only good memories!

OP, you can use a mechitza to section off part of the room. I’ve seen people do that. Then within your new smaller room, put the actual mechitza so the ladies’ side is much smaller than the men’s. It will look beautiful! Mazel tov and you should have only nachas!

amother

Midnight

Wed, May 01 2024, 3:05 pm

Amelia Bedelia wrote:

Another vote for lots of small boro park halls. All of above plus more. Bar mitzva boys know right away from name of hall on invite want size simcha it will be.

amother

Glitter

Wed, May 01 2024, 4:18 pm

Ruchel wrote:

Most weddings over 100? yes. Most over 200 and not unusual to have over 500? NO WAY
We didn't have the family shul of my husband because we had TOO MANY and we were in your lower range

Not to derail but In the many circles I run in (tristate), 250-300 size wedding is very average. 500 is really not uncommon. I myself had around 600 and it wasn’t considered a big wedding. A wedding under 150 is pretty small

amother

White

Wed, May 01 2024, 4:22 pm

I made a very small bar mitzvah because that was all I could afford. I ordered I think for 25-30 couples. I did have an extra empty table for the people that came to say Mazel tov but didn't come for the meal. There was also a sweet table that I arranged with the stuff people sent me so I had what to give them. I didn't think it was that small. It was very nice.. More people by the men of course.
Please don't compare yourself to others. My siblings make bar mitzva with 150 guests. I do me.