Overwhelmed with kids

amother

Sun, Apr 21 2024, 9:27 pm

I’m so sick of parenting, of never having a min to myself, always a kid on my lap, always sharing my food and stuff, the sheer amount of noise, the fighting. I’m pregnant with number 6 and can’t cope with the kids I do have, felt very pressured by my husband and rav to have another but that’s a diff story. I feel like this is not talked about in our communities, we just have a million kids and are expected to cope. When I was young and idealistic I wanted a big family but now I see it’s so hard For me and I really don’t feel like a person. And my husband can’t understand how I did a 180 from wanting lots of kids (when dating we talked abt a big family) to not wanting anymore now or ever.
my kids are growing up with a burnt out exhausted mother who has no patience. It’s not fair to them and I feel so guilty for feeling this way. Yes I’m on meds to help with my adhd and depression. But you can’t medicate hard circumstances. There I said it, wondering if any of you relate

amother

Dimgray

Sun, Apr 21 2024, 9:29 pm

I'm sorry that sounds really hard.

And not sure why anyone else should be pressuring you to have kids when you are the one raising them.

happy chick

Sun, Apr 21 2024, 9:32 pm

Oy, that's hard. But keep your eye on the goal. They will all eventually grow up and become independent adults. I know it seems like that's way far off, but the day will come. It's hard to enjoy every day when you're struggling to keep your head above water, but for the time being cut yourself slack wherever you can.

amother

Alyssum

Sun, Apr 21 2024, 9:37 pm

I only have 4 and I feel the same way. I also have a chronic pain condition which flares up with stress so you can imagine my days...
I've thought a lot about it and decided that I'm done and my husband agrees (he's a Rav not sure if that makes a diff). I still feel inadequate seeing a bunch of women/teachers at my kids school who are pregnant with their 6/7/8 or more.

amother

Burgundy

Sun, Apr 21 2024, 9:44 pm

Six children is a big family. I hope you can be more assertive after this baby is born. Bshaah tova!

tichellady ↓

Sun, Apr 21 2024, 10:22 pm

Prioritize help at home to get through the next few years. That’s what I’m doing while my kids are little so I don’t lose my mind

amother

Birch

Sun, Apr 21 2024, 10:26 pm

I totally get you.

BrachaVHatzlocha

Sun, Apr 21 2024, 10:35 pm

When kids need our attention, things can get overwhelming. But hopefully things will settle down with time. Older ones can help with younger ones. But most importantly: make time for yourself!! You need to get out, an exercise class, coffee with a friend, date night with hubby, even just a walk in the neighborhood. So important to take care of yourself physically and get enough sleep, etc.
May Hashem always give you strength !!

amother

Olive

Sun, Apr 21 2024, 10:37 pm

How old is your oldest?

For me, it got easier as my kids got older and became interesting and independent people. I was also somewhat overwhelmed in the earlier years, now I’m so happy to have a full home. I did go on BC when I needed a little breather, and then wanted more when things settled.

It’s truly exhausting having many little ones! Cut yourself some slack in other ways - lower the dinner/cleaning standards, focus on keeping your home happy and healthy. Take care of yourself and teach your husband how to best help you. Let him spoil you a bit so you can be a better mother for the kids. And they are his kids too- don’t be afraid to ask for his help and be open about your overwhelm.

Now that I have older teens (and kids of all ages under them too) I’m a much, much happier mother. I have 7 now, bli ayin hara, and I really hope to have another one or two before I hit menopause.

amother

Bisque

Sun, Apr 21 2024, 10:40 pm

tichellady wrote:

Prioritize help at home to get through the next few years. That’s what I’m doing while my kids are little so I don’t lose my mind

Honestly easier said than done. I had a live in for a while that was the only time I felt like I could manage. Since Covid the prices went up and it’s impossible to find- so I quit my job and I’m treading water.

amother

Poppy

Sun, Apr 21 2024, 10:46 pm

I have 4 kids and feel the same way. sometimes I lie in bed and just listen to the silence and I wish it would go on forever. obviously I adore my kids but it's never ending noise and touch and needs.

↑ tichellady

Sun, Apr 21 2024, 10:54 pm

amother Bisque wrote:

Definitely easier said than done. Agree with that. But so is having 6 kids! I hope you can find a good solution

amother

Sapphire

Mon, Apr 22 2024, 4:00 am

amother OP wrote:

I hope this is not invalidating, but I think you are demanding too much of yourself.

I have more kids than you, and I always go to the bathroom myself (I can count on my fingers the times I let a kid in the bathroom with me, and they were never in my house). I will lock myself in my room if I need space. I almost never eat with a kid on my lap. I don't share most of my food. I keep a stash of chocolate even when our grocery budget is very tight.

Maybe it's mean of me to take showers and not let anyone in, to say that this is my food and I am not sharing. But by having my boundaries I am able to be a person and not get so overwhelmed with the kids. (Of course I get overwhelmed at times, every mother does, but I don't feel like it's my primary emotion.)

You should not feel guilty for losing patience. You should feel guilty for not taking more breaks.

You should not feel guilty for being exhausted. You should feel guilty for not prioritizing your sleep.

If the noise gets too much, walk out of the room. Put in headphones. Don't referee all the fights.

You may have a messier house, simpler suppers, and a bigger laundry mountain. But you will be happier overall if you give yourself space to be a little more selfish. And your kids will have a much better mother.

amother

Hotpink

Sun, May 12 2024, 3:19 pm

I just saw an email from Jewishworkshops, looks like they are doing a free intro class on mom burnout with Dr. Ilyssa Bass. Maybe it will be helpful for you?
https://jewishworkshops.lpages.....ntro/

amother

Daylily

Wed, May 29 2024, 11:08 pm

I have felt the same way as you for many years. You are normal. Yes, this is alot, yes I agree it's not talked about enough and just expected.
At some point after real burnout I made a conscious decision to slow down ( thinking..." I am the one who has to raise them and do the work... So no one or no outside pressure will decide for me").
A huge concept I recently learnt is " listening to your Ratzon" that means that if you do not want a child on your lap, you say " not right now sweetie", making yourself delicious to eat just for yourself and not sharing. Etc...
when we know what our Ratzon is ( which takes some introspection) and say it firmly and clearly , than other are more likely to listen. Taking yourself and your needs seriously. And not brushing them away.
When we live with all the ppl crashing into us... It is choking and we feel squashed. Tuning into your Ratzon can make a big difference in this feeling.