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-> Yom Tov / Holidays
-> Pesach
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amother
Ultramarine
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 Wed, Apr 17 2024, 3:51 pm
| amother Honeysuckle wrote: | | Op I didn’t read the whole thread, just want you to know that I completely understand you. Yes you came across sounding bratty and spoiled but if I grew up always going to hotels and now suddenly that was taken away from me I would also be very disappointed. I think for the future you should keep a calendar and take turns with the holidays. Like you can go to your in-laws for shavous if you went with parents for pesach… etc. |
That sounds nice and fair, but don't her in-laws ever deserve the pleasure of having their son and grandchildren at their Seder table, just because his wife grew up going to hotels?!
If you're not making Pesach at home, the fair thing is to alternate yearly where you spend the Seder. And yes, if you want, you can spend the Seder at one family and the end of Yom Tov at the other, so you can always get a few days in a hotel, but give both sets if parents their share!
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amother
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Wed, Apr 17 2024, 4:27 pm
| amother Ultramarine wrote: | That sounds nice and fair, but don't her in-laws ever deserve the pleasure of having their son and grandchildren at their Seder table, just because his wife grew up going to hotels?!
If you're not making Pesach at home, the fair thing is to alternate yearly where you spend the Seder. And yes, if you want, you can spend the Seder at one family and the end of Yom Tov at the other, so you can always get a few days in a hotel, but give both sets if parents their share! |
Life isn’t fair. They also knew their son was marrying a “spoiled” girl, it comes with the territory.
My brother married into a wealthy family and yes they spend more time there and my parents would never hold him back (think israel for sukkos, cool summer and winter trips)
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amother
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Wed, Apr 17 2024, 5:59 pm
| amother Apple wrote: | Life isn’t fair. They also knew their son was marrying a “spoiled” girl, it comes with the territory.
My brother married into a wealthy family and yes they spend more time there and my parents would never hold him back (think israel for sukkos, cool summer and winter trips) |
Of course parents fargin and are happy for their children. But- At what point do the not wealthy parents get to enjoy having kids and grandkids for yom tov? So many yamim tovim, bezh so many years- can there really be no room for anyone other than the rich family to enjoy any yom tov with children and grandchildren?
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Cheiny
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Wed, Apr 17 2024, 6:06 pm
| amother Dandelion wrote: | Again, do you know how big her in-laws apartment is? For all you know it’s a two story penthouse.
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So I guess you believe she doesn’t know the difference between a two story penthouse, and being “crammed into a small apartment,” which is how she described it?
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amother
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Wed, Apr 17 2024, 6:20 pm
| amother Ultramarine wrote: | That sounds nice and fair, but don't her in-laws ever deserve the pleasure of having their son and grandchildren at their Seder table, just because his wife grew up going to hotels?!
If you're not making Pesach at home, the fair thing is to alternate yearly where you spend the Seder. And yes, if you want, you can spend the Seder at one family and the end of Yom Tov at the other, so you can always get a few days in a hotel, but give both sets if parents their share! |
There’s no “deserve”. Life isn’t always fair.
Also we are discussing a specific situation where OP is made to do most of the work herself, on top of everything else she’ll give up by going. It might be much easier for her to accept going if she was actually being hosted by in-laws, instead of feeling like a slave put to work.
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amother
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Wed, Apr 17 2024, 6:28 pm
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Still dont understand why you HAVE to go. Are they supporting you? If not then why cant you just say no?
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amother
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Wed, Apr 17 2024, 6:55 pm
My word! The first year I was married, I kashered our apt because elderly relatives were going to be staying there and the seders were going to be held there. We went to dh parents and when we got there, I helped mil clean and kasher her kitchen. It never occurred to me to "put my foot down" and refuse. Silly me.
I really hope OP is a bocher with too much time on his hands. And I equally hope that all the imas backing OP up are just in a bad mood because they're behind schedule and don't really hold the spoiled-brat opinions they're spouting. Och un vei if they do.
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amother
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Wed, Apr 17 2024, 7:05 pm
| amother Oxfordblue wrote: | There’s no “deserve”. Life isn’t always fair.
Also we are discussing a specific situation where OP is made to do most of the work herself, on top of everything else she’ll give up by going. It might be much easier for her to accept going if she was actually being hosted by in-laws, instead of feeling like a slave put to work. |
OP expressed in her OP that her sil's help out allot. It doesn't seem like OP will be overworking there..
It's that she doesn't want to do anything at all, not even small jobs as peeling potatoes.
She prefers to be treated as she is used to at her Pesach getaway hotels.
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amother
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Wed, Apr 17 2024, 7:22 pm
| amother Daylily wrote: | My word! The first year I was married, I kashered our apt because elderly relatives were going to be staying there and the seders were going to be held there. We went to dh parents and when we got there, I helped mil clean and kasher her kitchen. It never occurred to me to "put my foot down" and refuse. Silly me.
I really hope OP is a bocher with too much time on his hands. And I equally hope that all the imas backing OP up are just in a bad mood because they're behind schedule and don't really hold the spoiled-brat opinions they're spouting. Och un vei if they do. |
I just wonder what you would have chosen to do had you had the option to spend Pesach at a hotel.
There are a few issues here.
I don't think anyone disagrees that when being hosted by family, everyone needs to roll their sleeves up and be pitch in. That is a given. However, the distribution of labor should be fair according to everyone's age and abilities and the bulk should not fall on any one person. We don't know enough about OP 's situation to to judge if this is the case or if she is indeed a spoilt brat.
The other issues is the hotel. There are many people who dislike Pesach programs but there are plenty who love them and OP and her family obviously belong to that camp. As I said up thread, if op sees her in laws often and spends other chagim with them, and her in laws are not otherwise completely alone and/ or incapacitated to the point that they cannot make Pesach, I don't think it is unreasonable for her to prefer to go away.
Lastly, as a MIL myself, I don't think I ever get to insist or put my foot down regarding my children's decision where to spend chag. I may have an opinion and I may not like their choices but they are not mine to make. I know that any time my children may have chosen to spend chag elsewhere when I wanted them to be with us, it was always a calculated decision based on a number of factors and never because they just didn't want to. I also have the freedom to choose what is right for me. This year circumstances have dictated that we won't be home for Pesach. My married children are understandibly disappointed, but have accepted this is the situation. Just like I accept it when they cannot come to us.
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amother
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Wed, Apr 17 2024, 7:47 pm
| Cheiny wrote: | | So I guess you believe she doesn’t know the difference between a two story penthouse, and being “crammed into a small apartment,” which is how she described it? |
I think her emotions are overtaking her.
Op, how big or small is your in-laws place?
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notshanarishona
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Wed, Apr 17 2024, 9:45 pm
| amother Ultramarine wrote: | That sounds nice and fair, but don't her in-laws ever deserve the pleasure of having their son and grandchildren at their Seder table, just because his wife grew up going to hotels?!
If you're not making Pesach at home, the fair thing is to alternate yearly where you spend the Seder. And yes, if you want, you can spend the Seder at one family and the end of Yom Tov at the other, so you can always get a few days in a hotel, but give both sets if parents their share! |
Why is it any different than if a woman decides she wants to make Pesach? Once someone is an adult, no one can insist on their company, it’s about what works best for an individual and her family. Speaking as someone who has made Pesach more or less since we got married ( I think we went to parents twice), the whole concept of couples going to parents till they have teenagers has gotten out of hand.
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amother
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Wed, Apr 17 2024, 9:52 pm
| amother Dill wrote: | Just saying my very functional mom who really tries to accommodate her guest and give them all nicely set up rooms etc. 100% expects her married children to help out with the cooking, serving and cleaning on yom tov! ( even with a cleaner there sometimes).
And even expects some children or grandchildren to spare some time before yom tov to help her as well!
She is human and the workload is enormous!!
And we gladly help her out! |
BH for a voice of sanity!
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amother
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Wed, Apr 17 2024, 10:15 pm
| amother Gardenia wrote: | You definitely get credit for going
Did they ask you to come? To help them?
If they have money why don't they have help
It is weird to expect your guests to make their beds
Cooking and serving is more regular |
Making beds can be hard for older people. We often end op making our beds at the ILs.
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zaq
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Wed, Apr 17 2024, 10:31 pm
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Don't hand out buffalo dung and tell us it's chocolate mousse. Saying life isn't fair is sheer unadulterated copout tommyrot. Yes, LIFE isn't fair, which is precisely why people should make every effort to act fairly themselves.
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B'Syata D'Shmya
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Wed, Apr 17 2024, 10:31 pm
| amother Daylily wrote: | My word! The first year I was married, I kashered our apt because elderly relatives were going to be staying there and the seders were going to be held there. We went to dh parents and when we got there, I helped mil clean and kasher her kitchen. It never occurred to me to "put my foot down" and refuse. Silly me.
I really hope OP is a bocher with too much time on his hands. And I equally hope that all the imas backing OP up are just in a bad mood because they're behind schedule and don't really hold the spoiled-brat opinions they're spouting. Och un vei if they do. |
Not in a bad mood, totally on schedule, Baruch Hashem for the ability to be where I am.
Just fargining someone else whose life is different from mine.
You are amazing for making a KLP apt for an elderly couple and helping your parents and ILs!!
I envy your zechuyos, applaud your enthusiasm and dont think you are "silly", but you are you, you stepped up to the bat and hit a home run (now you probably think IM a bachur with too much time on my hands).
OP may discover she actually likes some of the aspects of making Pesach. Lets wait and hear.
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B'Syata D'Shmya
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Wed, Apr 17 2024, 10:34 pm
| Cheiny wrote: | | Proper grammar is not acquired through wealth, I can’t imagine where this idea comes from… |
Apparently you are correct. Sad, that I still think that. I guess I am revealing my age!
Chag Kasher VeSameach !
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chestnut
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Wed, Apr 17 2024, 10:37 pm
| amother Oxfordblue wrote: | There’s no “deserve”. Life isn’t always fair.
Also we are discussing a specific situation where OP is made to do most of the work herself, on top of everything else she’ll give up by going. It might be much easier for her to accept going if she was actually being hosted by in-laws, instead of feeling like a slave put to work. |
Your line about no "deserve" and life isn't fair about the OP, not her in-laws, right?
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chestnut
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Wed, Apr 17 2024, 10:40 pm
| notshanarishona wrote: | | Why is it any different than if a woman decides she wants to make Pesach? Once someone is an adult, no one can insist on their company, it’s about what works best for an individual and her family. Speaking as someone who has made Pesach more or less since we got married ( I think we went to parents twice), the whole concept of couples going to parents till they have teenagers has gotten out of hand. |
Oh please, OP has a baby. The concept of going to parents with teens has zero to do with this post.
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chestnut
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Wed, Apr 17 2024, 10:43 pm
| amother Daylily wrote: | My word! The first year I was married, I kashered our apt because elderly relatives were going to be staying there and the seders were going to be held there. We went to dh parents and when we got there, I helped mil clean and kasher her kitchen. It never occurred to me to "put my foot down" and refuse. Silly me.
I really hope OP is a bocher with too much time on his hands. And I equally hope that all the imas backing OP up are just in a bad mood because they're behind schedule and don't really hold the spoiled-brat opinions they're spouting. Och un vei if they do. |
Thank you! Scary to see imas backing this up.
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- and then the actual post which was just beyond. It’s either Pesach parody and I’m too tired to realize it or I accidentally dropped in on the young imamothers of planet Z in a distant galaxy far from human intelligence. Thank you for helping decide I’m much happier getting back to what I was supposed to be doing. Wishing everyone a nice chag.