Dear Shul event organizers...

amother

Stonewash

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 4:36 pm

DrMom wrote:

When you say "private event," I think of a bar mitzvah meal or a bris. Some private event that uses the shul space.

In which case, I don't see why the entire shul has to be invited.

I believe what she means by private is 'by invitation only' rather than an open event for all members.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 4:38 pm

DrMom wrote:

When you say "private event," I think of a bar mitzvah meal or a bris. Some private event that uses the shul space.

In which case, I don't see why the entire shul has to be invited.

I explained. Shul funded Shalosh Seudos for SOME women. Not all. Not a "paid for" event or sponsored for women who learned something as a siyum or for someone's simcha.

Host a special Bar Mitzvah SS there and invite whoever you want. But it wasn't rented out by a private individual. It was a SHUL function.

amother

Offwhite ↓

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 4:41 pm

So sad to hear of such a thing.

A Shul is supposed to be a community. It should be all or nothing. Invite everyone and let them decide if they would enjoy the event and can decline if they won’t.

Speak to your rav- he should not be allowing such a thing to go on.

I’m interested to know what/who you had to be to get an invite.

amother

↑ Moonstone ↓

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 4:42 pm

amother OP wrote:

Weird. Never heard of such a thing. I’m curious what type of shul this is and where it is.

↑ watergirl ↓

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 4:49 pm

amother OP wrote:

Since I don't know who was invited and who wasn't I can't determine the qualifications for entry.

I honestly don't care if it was "just for women whose husband's first name is Rabbi" or "women who are between 5 and a half feet and 6 feet tall". It really doesn't matter. We are a shul that pretends to care about achdus.

This is exclusionary and rude. And if they still decide to do it then MAKE SURE NO ONE ELSE FINDS OUT. Tell the person setting up, the attendees etc that no one else is to know. But now I know that there are all these secret sub groups that I am not a part of and have no way to join.

I am just glad I didn't show up and realized it was a private shul event.

I’m just trying to understand, it seems that you would have a problem if it was for women under age 35 or for women over age 35, etc.? What Kind of it was the specifically? Was there a rhyme or reason to who was invited?

DVOM

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 4:52 pm

Don't stew in bad feelings!

Ask for a meeting with the Rabbi. Explain how hurt and excluded you feel. Give him a chance to explain.

Shul organizers have a bird's-eye view that you don't have. You don't know what the organizing factor was in this get together. There might be an explanation here that makes sense, a reason why just these women were invited and a reason why it wasn't publicized. Maybe it was for families with a parent or child with mental illness. Maybe it was for families who have a member struggling with religion. Maybe it was for caregivers of ill parents. Maybe it was for families struggling with addiction.

And if it was for no good reason, you'll have a chance to tell the Rabbi about your disappointment and hope that events like these can be inclusive or truly kept private.

kenz

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 5:09 pm

It’s unacceptable. If it’s geared towards a specific group due to circumstances, like a chizuk event, then say that. Just to select a group of people because they somehow fit someone’s idea of the “in crowd” is inexcusable. I would find a different shul.

amother

↑ Offwhite

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 5:19 pm

DVOM wrote:

If it was for families of such specific groups, it still can be advertised widely and allow the Shul members to decide if they want to join. How can Shul event organisers be so confident that they know all the ins and outs of every family?

amother

↑ Jasmine ↓

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 5:26 pm

amother Jasmine wrote:

Nope because I am.
I’m just reading through.

And I thought my shul was the only one where this happens.
By my shul the younger women didn’t want the older women to sit with them, never mind that the room is huge and that usually friends sit with friends. They also wanted a place that the toddlers to run around, which is fine, but they took away the regular SS for the “older ladies”.

BTW- they ended up opening to everyone
And the ladies that wanted this SS, went back to having it in private homes.
The thing is
Now they ALLOW the rebbetzin to give the shiur.
And WOW!!!! What a hidden gem.
Everyone comes to listen to her
Ppl walk from very far.
In this short time she’s become famous in Argentina, Mexico, Brooklyn.
She’s so motivating.
The other lady that use to give the shiur said
“I can’t compete with a professional”

amother

↑ Moonstone ↓

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 5:37 pm

amother Jasmine wrote:

Younger women not wanting to mix with older women is common. I see it all the time. I’m not saying it’s right or even normal but it’s the way a lot of younger women are. It’s not the same as inviting only the younger women who daven at that shul. That’s not right. I daven at a place with very few older women but we love them and everyone asks to sit near them Rosh Hashanah. I’m friends with the person who does seats and she told me they don’t know how to handle it Smile

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 6:43 pm

watergirl wrote:

The way the shul does programming, a flyer goes out stating who it is for. Only those who qualify go. (Eg: Gender, age, siyum for daf yomi participants, only if you pay...). I have zero problem with this system. Makes sense- not everything is meant for everyone. Teen boys have a learning program. Avos Ubanim have their program. There have been kids activities for certain ages. There are women's learning groups too.

Here it was secret. No flyer. Special invites went out to certain people. The shul funded it. Paid for childcare. No one uninvited was supposed to know. But someone on Shabbos assumed I got an invite and asked if I was going. Told me how great it was going to be, that there was childcare etc. I responded that I didnt see it in the flyer and didnt know about it, can you pass me the flyer so I can see?

Then someone else there said "yeah, it's not for everyone..."

Am I clear?

amother

IndianRed

Mon, Feb 26 2024, 8:51 am

I used to work in a shul (we were Rabbi and Rebbetzin) and there were some other employees who liked to do things this way.

It makes it more exclusive and the people invited feel special.

It's a horrible way of doing things and I would absolutely speak up.

Do you know WHY you weren't invited? Too old/young? Too poor? Not cool enough? Not frum enough? Wrong type of crowd? No kids of a specific age?

Chayalle

Mon, Feb 26 2024, 9:01 am

amother Moonstone wrote:

I love the diversity of ages in our shul, and the adorable young-at-heart older women I gain so much from, and the younger women who come in with their cute kids whom everyone dotes on.....I don't really get why a shul event would have to gear itself by age. Our shul events are for everyone.
Teens I get, they want their own thing. I'd also get it if a shul had lots of singles and had an event for them. But past that, our shul events are for everyone, and those who are more comfortable with women their own age gravitate to such tables, and personally, I love sitting with a mix of ages, it's more interesting!

Ema of 5

Mon, Feb 26 2024, 9:43 am

kenz wrote:

Maybe it was. OP said she didn’t know what the “qualifications” were. Maybe it wasn’t just a “higher tier” but was actually geared to specific families for a specific purpose.

↑ watergirl

Mon, Feb 26 2024, 9:48 am

amother OP wrote:

Yes, thank you for going into this level of detail.

Ema of 5 wrote:

Maybe it was. OP said she didn’t know what the “qualifications” were. Maybe it wasn’t just a “higher tier” but was actually geared to specific families for a specific purpose.

OP, this is what I would want to know also, and this is what I would ask the president of the shul.