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Forum
-> Relationships
-> Manners & Etiquette
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amother
Mayflower
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 Sun, Feb 18 2024, 6:36 pm
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I have a newly married nephew who is similar. Maybe it's a new normal. I don't really know. I'd just let them be.
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amother
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Sun, Feb 18 2024, 6:37 pm
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Just pointing out I’m also a shy person by nature and when I’m a guest in a strangers home I also feel like hiding. But I feel obligated to socialize in order to not seem rude.
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amother
Junglegreen
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Sun, Feb 18 2024, 6:38 pm
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It's a really hard stage with a lot of adjustments for many people. I would just give her space (as it seems you are) and not worry.
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amother
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Sun, Feb 18 2024, 6:39 pm
| amother Mayflower wrote: | | I have a newly married nephew who is similar. Maybe it's a new normal. I don't really know. I'd just let them be. |
That’s what we’ve been doing and they seem happy enough. They keep coming back even weeks when there’s room in my in laws home.
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amother
Periwinkle
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Sun, Feb 18 2024, 6:41 pm
She might be sleeping in, and her dh wakes her when he gets home from shul
I was like that at my in laws until I had kids to get up for...
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amother
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Sun, Feb 18 2024, 6:43 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | That’s what we’ve been doing and they seem happy enough. They keep coming back even weeks when there’s room in my in laws home. |
So it sounds like they like having their space and privacy, nothing they have against you.
Also, if she's working full-time during the week she might need this downtime. I know I do over Shabbos, I hate having too much stimulation when I just need to unwind from the busy week.
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amother
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Sun, Feb 18 2024, 6:43 pm
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Why don't you try to build a relationship with her and see if she's more comfortable. Sometimes it's hard to break the ice. If you also just had a baby she could be uncomfortable and doesn't want to bother you.
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amother
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Sun, Feb 18 2024, 6:43 pm
| amother Emerald wrote: | Unusual but not precisely strange. Newlywed, self-conscious, paranoid that you're counting on your fingers calculating what they may or may not be doing, probably shy, and/or trying to be as unobtrusive as possible and interfering with your activities as little as possible...after all, they're visiting your in-laws, not you.
Maybe approach her when they arrive and tell her kindly that there's no need to sequester in their room because they're welcome guests and you look forward to becoming better acquainted. They may still be in that stage of wishing the world would go away and leave them both alone together, in which case she won't change her behavior yet. Or she may be very shy and terrified of being a nuisance, in which case indicating a desire to interact with her may persuade her to come out of the closet, so to speak. Or she may be a snooty so and so who has no interest in anyone outside her own personal social circle and is deigning to visit the inlaws only because her dh is forcing the connection. Absolutely anything is possible. |
Thank you this is really helpful. It’s just a brand new situation since we’ve hosted so many people so far and even perfect strangers haven’t behaved like this.
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amother
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Sun, Feb 18 2024, 6:47 pm
| amother Clover wrote: | | Why don't you try to build a relationship with her and see if she's more comfortable. Sometimes it's hard to break the ice. If you also just had a baby she could be uncomfortable and doesn't want to bother you. |
Easier said than done since we live far from each other and we both have busy schedules. Also she doesn’t have text so that’s another factor
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DREAMING
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Sun, Feb 18 2024, 6:47 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | We’re usually chilling on the couch and playing with the kids when they get back from the shabbos night meal, my kids go up to them and say hi they know they’re invited to join! |
I think if you want something to change you have to do something different. Formal invite when they arrive erev shabbos is one way.
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amother
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Sun, Feb 18 2024, 6:51 pm
| DREAMING wrote: | | I think if you want something to change you have to do something different. Formal invite when they arrive erev shabbos is one way. |
It just feels weird to make it so official because until they got married my brother in law played with the kids and now to suddenly ‘invite’ him to sit with us just seems awkward
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amother
Diamond
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Sun, Feb 18 2024, 7:05 pm
It sounds like a personality thing and not personal to you. My sil of 10 years still does this!
If they keep coming back and you don’t mind them hiding out in their room, I’d just continue doing what you’re doing and not stress it.
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amother
Honey
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Sun, Feb 18 2024, 7:09 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | Just pointing out I’m also a shy person by nature and when I’m a guest in a strangers home I also feel like hiding. But I feel obligated to socialize in order to not seem rude. |
I agree, I am a shy person but I find this behavior strange and rude. You are not a stranger hosting them, rather family who is continuing to provide accommodations for them repeatedly. It’s not nice for them to treat you like a hotel.
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amother
Peru
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Sun, Feb 18 2024, 7:10 pm
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I’m an extrovert by nature but I was exactly like this when I moved in to my SIL for two weeks. I’d only been married 2-3 months at the time. I just wasn’t comfortable enough to “make myself at home” especially when DH wasn’t around
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gr82no
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Sun, Feb 18 2024, 7:11 pm
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Why dont you casually mention the kids miss playing with you
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amother
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Sun, Feb 18 2024, 7:21 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | We’re usually chilling on the couch and playing with the kids when they get back from the shabbos night meal, my kids go up to them and say hi they know they’re invited to join! |
Can you invite them for one of the Shabbos meals once? That way it’s like forced to build a relationship with them? They don’t say anything to you the entire Shabbos?
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amother
NeonPurple
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Sun, Feb 18 2024, 7:26 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | Just pointing out I’m also a shy person by nature and when I’m a guest in a strangers home I also feel like hiding. But I feel obligated to socialize in order to not seem rude. | Do you want her to feel obligated? Or are you worried that she’s unhappy?
I also feel obligated and it’s stressful. It sounds like she feels like when she’s in your house it’s ok to hide. If you’re not ok with that then you can obviously say something to bil or cut down on hosting them …
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amother
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Sun, Feb 18 2024, 7:44 pm
The food thing may have any of several explanations:
1. She is very very strict about which hechsherim she accepts and isn't sure about you. So she won't eat the cake you baked or even the one you bought and cut with your knife.
2. She has a mental thing about eating in front of people she doesn't know well, or about noshing in front of people, period. Maybe she hides nosh in her room at home and eats on the sly, even hiding this from her dh.
3. She is always hungry and a midnight snacker. Rather than get dressed in the middle of the night or risk running into someone while wearing a robe, snood, and face glop, she chooses to bring provisions from home and consume them in private.
4. She still gets a kick out of "sneaking around" with her dh, and these secret picnics are something they do for fun. All the time.
Lacking a vivid imagination, I can only come up with these four, but there are probably other possibilities.
None of which matters because, unless they're making noises that disturb your family, damaging your property e.g. getting grease spots on the linens, or attracting vermin by leaving food waste in the room, what they do there and why is nobody's business but their own.
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zaq
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Sun, Feb 18 2024, 7:55 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | Just pointing out I’m also a shy person by nature and when I’m a guest in a strangers home I also feel like hiding. But I feel obligated to socialize in order to not seem rude. |
You're right, it IS rude to treat your hostess' home like a hotel and avoid contact with her, especially when that hostess is part of your extended mishpacha. However, if one wishes to be dlkz, one can find plausible reasons why a person might behave this way without intending to be rude or dismissive. You have apparently had a proper upbringing, which places a higher value on manners than on personal comfort, at least in the short term. OP's sil may not have had the benefit of such upbringing, or she may have chosen to ignore it. We'll never know.
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B'Syata D'Shmya
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Sun, Feb 18 2024, 8:17 pm
| amother OP wrote: | My husbands brother recently got married. Since we live near my in laws and have a large guest suite they’ve been sleeping by us when they spend Shabbos with my in laws.
We give them a key and they come and go as they please.
Something that’s been happening since they started staying is that they stay in their room the entire time and we only see them when they come and go. Even when my brother in law is davening shachris in the morning, his wife stays in her room and only comes out to get a drink. She even eats breakfast in her room. When he gets back from Shul they leave to my in laws together.
It doesn’t bother me in the slightest since I’m busy with my babies all morning anyway. I did my best to make them feel comfortable and told them to feel free to help themselves to anything from the fridge. Is this typical for some newlyweds or could I have somehow made them uncomfortable? |
Perhaps they feel that they are bothering you enough and dont want to make a burden of themselves. Have you tried inviting new SIL for morning coffee on Shabbos or the like? Or suggesting you double date motzai Shabbos. You can ask her help with the kids to break the ice. Make sure you are complimentary, have an open ear and tell her you want her to feel comfortable etc.
BTW, I tell any guest that I dont want them to eat in the room, its an iron clad rule in my home, so that would force any guest to sit and eat with us...all understand, although I do get annoyed if I find crumbs on the mattress, and wrappers in the garbage....but thats not your problem.
Since Pesach is coming its OK to tell them, no food in the room- only LR/DR...
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