Standing up for other kids

amother

Tue, Feb 13 2024, 7:29 am

Dc is a gem of a child bH bli ayin hora. Kind, caring, thoughtful and also well liked among friends, socially doing well. They’re in a group with another kid who is socially delayed. One member of their group made some mean comments to that child saying “they are the worst” “and they are so stupid” in front of them, so they could hear.

I told my Dc to stick up for this kid, and they did, but they way they did it is by telling the teasing kid “no, YOU are the worst!”

So I don’t think that’s the right way to go about this. My Dc is so kind and never does that to other kids, and I don’t think this is the best way to do things. However I don’t have other ideas about how my Dc can stick up for this kid if they get teased.

There’s no adult who I can discuss this with- it’s not in a school setting and the supervising person is not the type to try to fix this problem.

Any advice is welcome

amother

Seablue

Tue, Feb 13 2024, 10:04 am

Chayalle wrote:

Tell your kid the right thing to say is "that isn't nice!". Because we always criticize the action, not the person.

I have a teen who has been dealing with this situation this year - a friend of hers is slightly geeky/socially-off, and others were excluding her. DD has been standing up to her group, saying it's not nice. And the girl has been slowly more accepted (especially as mid-terms are approaching - she has great notes!). I'm proud of DD for doing the right thing.

This.
You could also ask your son what he likes about that boy. And he can point that out to make the boy feel loved.

Your son is a gem.
One of my kids used to be bullied terribly in the neighborhood. She stuck up for herself but they were relentless. She has tuarettes and theyd immitate her ticks and laugh again and again and again. Or pretend like the also have different kind of ticks. And laugh their mean little heads off. She would tell them to stop. That she doesn't do it on purpose and they'd laugh even more. bh, with time, she found her "crew". Once she went to play with her friend and the 2 main bullies were there. It had been a while so she gave it a go. As soon as she was close enough she heard them sing a silly song basically calling her names and laughing. She asked them to stop. And why are they being mean for fun. And its not nice.... after asking them 3x she got off the chair and headed home. She heard one bully yelling after her. "Why are you going home. Come back here"
I've never seen her cry like she did that day. Just thinking about it makes my heart break all over again.
We discussed the situation. She's a very bright emotionally intelligent kid. She's only 10 but going on 20.
What came out was that what hurt her the most, was that her friend didn't stick up for her. She felt totally betrayed. That friend is a really good kid. But she was probably at a loss how to respond or she was afraid of the bullies too.

It's been half a year since. If the nasty kids are playing a game dd likes she'll join and enjoy herself and then leave. But she still has a hard time looking her friend in the eye.
I hope once summer rolls around things will work out.

On that same note, I was taking a walk with my kid this shabbos morning. I asked her where she's heading to. She tells me she's going to girl b. I asked don't you enjoy girl a more? Shes totally your speed. She's also closer in age. (Girl A is a year older. Girl B is 2.5 years older) she says. "Yeah, girl a has friends even if she might be bored this shabbos morning. But girl B is always alone. Even when we do things in a group she's always left behind."
I was so proud of her for noticing it and taking action. It's unfortunately true. The father has asd. The mother is also socially awkward. And they kid to no surprise is also struggling. It's sad for me to watch because they are genuine good people, very smart and fun!!!
Turns out girl b was sleeping in and she ended up having a really nice time with girl A.