I'm drowning in their mess and I'm losing it

amother

OP ↓

Sun, Feb 11 2024, 1:08 pm

I am literally losing it. I cannot cope anymore. Everywhere I look there are clothes and things all over the floor. I cannot keep up with any of it. My kids don't listen, they don't clean up after themselves, they take zero responsibility for any of their stuff and I cannot handle it any more.
I am not a person who has an easy time cleaning. I am bad at it and hate it but I do it anyway because I have no choice. It's impossible for me to be on top of it. I get so angry and resentful and overwhelmed because no matter how hard I try my house is still overrun with clothes and stuff. Not a single human in this house puts anything away ever. I'm so burnt out and drained.
I have cleaning help once a week, which is as much as I can afford, but my house is always a wreck. Except one day once a week. I can't possibly follow each person around every day to make sure they clean up after themselves.
I feel like just running away. Or throwing everyone stuff out.
In case you're going to tell me to declutter, I declutter on a regular basis. I should get an award for having the messiest house after the most hours decluttering. None of my friends declutter as much as I do. I waste hours and hours decluttering and cleaning. I'm just done.

amother

Mocha

Sun, Feb 11 2024, 1:10 pm

I hear you. Clutters affects my mental health. If you declutter so often, why’s there so much around able to become mess?
I find it I declutter properly setting the area back takes very quick. Few things that each have a set place.

amother

DarkMagenta

Sun, Feb 11 2024, 1:12 pm

Your kids probably take after you. I know mine take after me. They probably struggle with cleaning the same way you do and are avoiding it because it’s hard.

Maybe you can put a big box in each room and dump everything you find in that room into the box. When they can’t find their stuff they’ll learn that keeping on top of their stuff matters.

I’m doing a contest with my kids now and they get points for looking after their school things, and putting laundry in the hamper. Maybe something like that would help.

amother

SandyBrown

Sun, Feb 11 2024, 1:21 pm

I can totally relate.
A few things I did to make things slightly easier. I put most of the toys away and we rotate through the boxes so there's only ever a couple of different toys accessible to make a mess with.
And I got rid of a lot of their clothes. Instead of them having 2 weeks worth of clothing that just got tipped out and left on the floor, they only have 2 or 3 outfits for weekday and another 2 for shabbos, plus their school uniform. This means there's less clothing to tip out. I do have to do laundry more often. I also instituted a rule where clothing goes in the hamper at the end of the day. I used to check whether the clothing was clean and they could wear it another day, but it's a lot simpler to just have one rule of it all going in the hamper.
But they still manage to make a mess. I think like me, they just don't have the neat gene. And it's a constant battle, one that I mostly lose.

meyerlemon44

Sun, Feb 11 2024, 1:41 pm

I’m going to chime in because I’ve been dealing with this a lot lately. After a certain number of kids, you have to have a mindset change. I’ve always prided myself on having a clean home, but I needed to realize that I simply could and should not dedicate that much effort to keeping the house picture perfect because there are more worthwhile things to dedicate my energy to, including my mental health.

For me, I needed to become OK with a certain amount of mess and look at it as evidence that I have a family to make a mess. BH none of my friends are the type of people to judge someone by whether you can eat off their floor, so I was making myself crazy mostly to impress myself! There will be a time when you can have a spotless house, until then focus on the things that bother you most. Get your kids to take care of their chores before it’s time for fun. I hope this help a little bit!

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Feb 11 2024, 1:42 pm

The problem is no one puts anything away anywhere. Everything gets dumped. When I did the thing with the boxes, I just had boxes of clothes and clutter everywhere.
I just can't keep on top of it. I declutter and get the house back in order and within hours it's a wreck again. They don't care. I'm the only one who cares and the only one who does anything about it. It's too much for me to be on top of.

amother

Tan

Sun, Feb 11 2024, 1:51 pm

Can you be on top of living room, dining room, kitchen, and have your kids' rooms be no-go zones for the most part?
I've done this before, until it was dangerous to walk in there because you'd trip wherever you stepped, and then every few weeks go in there and purge with them.
The dirty laundry had to end up in the hamper for me to wash . that was about it. If they threw it on this floor, I usually would pick it up and throw it in the hamper when picking up their hamper. And if not, and they didn't have clean clothes, they'd have to deal.with it.
I'm talking about kids 5+

amother

↑ OP

Sun, Feb 11 2024, 1:53 pm

Another thing is that I have lowered my standards so low and I already give myself breaks from cleaning but that all backfires. Im not on top of the house for 2 days and its a huge overwhelming mess again. I can't win.

mha3484

Sun, Feb 11 2024, 2:07 pm

I got rid of 50% of my kids toys and never looked back. No one misses anything I threw out.

I mentally divided my house into zones. Each zone has a trash can. I think the fewer steps you need to take to throw something out, the more likely you are to do it.

I also instituted family clean up time motzei shabbos where every single person including my 3 year old helps clean the room of my choice. Its typically whatever they made a bigger mess of on shabbos. But we all do it together. Its made a big difference in their middos and keeping the house cleaner.

My mantra is no one wants to live in a dump. I say it over and over and it slowly penetrates. Its not perfect but way better then it used to be.

Also I put my money where my mouth is. If my kids are too lazy to walk 5 ft to the laundry chute their stuff doesnt get washed. Wear dirty pants but my job is not to hunt around your floor looking for your pants to wash. Thats your job. It gets the message across.

amother

Pink

Sun, Feb 11 2024, 2:24 pm

Cut down clothes to 5 per child plus 2 per child for shabbos.
Cut down pj's to 2 per child.
That's it.
If they don't put their clothes in the laundry on time, it's a natural consequence that they don't get clean clothes.

amother

Obsidian

Sun, Feb 11 2024, 2:33 pm

Best advice is to be a minimalist. I hardly own stuff.

A few items of clothes that I keep on washing and rewearing. A few toys. Go to a toy lilbrary if you have one nearby. Few dishes. No randem stuff.

amother

Zinnia ↓

Sun, Feb 11 2024, 3:00 pm

amother Pink wrote:

This is great for kids who follow systems. I tried this and I had kids who wouldn't go to school....

Bnei Berak 10 ↓

Sun, Feb 11 2024, 3:02 pm

Guess you need to reeducate yourself and reeducate your kids and implement a plan with consequences.
Kids won't put back toys and games? Then they have to put it in a garbage bag which will be thrown out and not a single toy will be purchased instead.
You must be strict with yourself and with your kids. Dumping things instead of putting away isn't an option for anyone.

Tzutzie ↓

Sun, Feb 11 2024, 3:32 pm

Do a MAJOR purge.
Was the best thing ever.
I've learned to always shop with intention. Other than saving lots and lots and LOTS of $$$$ when I do buy I actually enjoy whatever it is I'm buying. And I make sure it fits my needs and best of all, If you own less stuff there is less stuff to put away.
Once I stopped having random extra stuff in the house cleanup had become a BREEZE according to how it was. and I actually enjoy it.
Not it's not a breeze just yet. But before it was impossible. I never felt like the house was neat even though I cleaned all day as a sahm and have approx 9-10 hours of cleaning help a week.

Now, I clean much less and the house sparkles 25% of the time. Whereas it used to sparkle maybe .00005%
Maybe one room at a time before pesach.

Extra stuff is a burden. Get rid of it.

Last edited by Tzutzie on Sun, Feb 11 2024, 4:30 pm; edited 1 time in total