Husband rejected gift

amother

OP ↓

Fri, Dec 08 2023, 9:23 am

He doesn’t like when I spend money. But I don’t buy them often so when I do I put a lot of thought and effort into it. I’m just sad because he wants me to return it (he even said spend it on myself.) I just wanted to see him be excited and smile.

I’m just venting.

amother

Oleander ↓

Fri, Dec 08 2023, 9:25 am

If he repeatedly tells you he doesn't like gifts why buy them? You are buying it more for yourself than for him. And I don't say this to be mean...my dh is the same...and has had me return gifts I bought for him. I realized I was doing it to make myself feel good not him as he literally told me not to.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Fri, Dec 08 2023, 9:27 am

amother Oleander wrote:

I am slightly probably doing it for myself for a positive reaction. But there have been a few times he has kept the gift he says I spent too much and still wears it. I have very little time to give him a gift of my time and energy (massage? Date?)

amother

↑ Oleander ↓

Fri, Dec 08 2023, 9:36 am

amother OP wrote:

A gift should be something for the other person. You want to do something that's easy for you but he told you he doesn't want that so don't be surprised when he isn't happy. It would probably be really meaningful if you gift him your time and energy if that's what he wants even though it's hard for you.

amother

Cornsilk

Fri, Dec 08 2023, 9:38 am

My DH is the same way. I don’t buy him gifts often but when I do I accept the fact that really I’m buying it for myself because I know he doesn’t really want me to and would much rather I didn’t. Most of the time he keeps things, sometimes he doesn’t but I think the times he does it’s also to make me happy. He knows gifts are my love language, and unfortunately I know they’re not his..

The best way to not be hurt is to not buy him things. I’d get pretty annoyed at him if it was the other way around- even if I could appreciate the gesture I’d feel like he never really cared about what I really feel or listens to me. It took me a long time to learn to stop buying him things, I rarely rarely do anymore and it’s hard for me. I love to buy presents and enjoy it so much, and it’s hard to understand how someone doesn’t enjoy receiving gifts from their spouse.

amother

DarkPurple ↓

Fri, Dec 08 2023, 9:48 am

Gifts are not his love language. I also don't like gifts from my husband. I like to pick my own things and don't like when we spend money on these kind of things.

To me, if my husband watches the kids so I can sleep late, that shows how much he loves me and it makes me smile. (Acts of service) I also love when he tells me how much he appreciates my hard work. (Words of affirmation)

To him, if I take time to spend time with him and talk and cuddle, that makes him smile and is a bigger gift than if I buy him new cufflinks. (Quality time and physical touch)

You should read the book 5 love languages. It will show you what each person values and then you can invest effort into the things they actually enjoy.

Gifts
Acts of service
Physical touch
Words of affirmation
Quality time

amother

Garnet ↓

Fri, Dec 08 2023, 9:57 am

Gifts are also not my love language. In fact, they are anti-my love language. I don’t like gift. I would prefer to buy myself exactly what I want, when it is on sale. To be honest, when my husband gives me a gift, sometimes I pretend for him, but more than anything, I feel unheard. To me, getting a gift is not only not positive, but actually a negative.

Yes I am aware that I am the world’s biggest grinch!

amother

Leaf

Fri, Dec 08 2023, 10:01 am

amother Garnet wrote:

I'm like this in a small way. Especially when I say "please please don't get me flowers and chocolate. Write me a card or make me a meal." And instead I get flowers and chocolate. It's almost a slap in the face when you specifically told someone not to get you something. At best, it feels like they're throwing money at something to pick up the easiest possible thing but it actually feels more disrespectful and like they're doing it for themselves.

amother

↑ DarkPurple

Fri, Dec 08 2023, 10:01 am

amother Garnet wrote:

I also feel frustrated by gifts. Most of the time gifts miss the mark. If you want to buy me a gift, the only thing I appreciate is a gift card so I can buy what I want. Otherwise I end up with something I don't like and end up feeling gaslit into liking it and showing appreciation for something I never wanted in the first place.

peace2

Fri, Dec 08 2023, 11:36 am

OP, I'm sorry you felt rejected. I agree with those posters who are encouraging you to explore different love languages and find what he would really appreciate from you. Doing for the other person has to be on their level, not yours.
That being said, are you feeling upset because he didn't want the gift? Or are you upset by his reaction? If he threw it back at you and said don't get me gifts, I could hear that you're upset. If he didn't express appreciation for you trying, that may have been hurtful. Maybe bring it up and say, I want to give you something and I can't come up with anything besides for physical presents. What would you appreciate? You can brainstorm ideas together - maybe a "certificate" for a date night or dinner out or something like that. But express to him that you care and you gave the gift from a place of wanting to give

Cheiny

Fri, Dec 08 2023, 11:40 am

amother Oleander wrote:

She did try to get something for the other person.

It’s also on the gift receiver to acknowledge, show appreciation and thank the gift giver, whether they like the gift or not. There should be an acknowledgment of the time, consideration and effort the gift buyer made to try to please the receiver.

The proper response is, “Thank you so much! I really appreciate it!” Whether they do or not…

amother

↑ Oleander ↓

Fri, Dec 08 2023, 11:50 am

Cheiny wrote:

But he specifically said don't buy me gifts to her. And she said she doesn't want to do something that involves more time and effort although he would appreciate that more because this is easier for her.

amother

Mintgreen

Fri, Dec 08 2023, 12:43 pm

amother Oleander wrote:

That's what I have too but in reverse.
My love language is not gifts but acts of service, but for dh it's easier to just get me something.

Gifts should make the receiver feel good, not just the gifter...

amother

DarkGreen

Fri, Dec 08 2023, 12:51 pm

amother Oleander wrote:

This exactly.
I have it the other way around. My husband loves to buy expensive gifts and I don’t appreciate them. I really really don’t. We don’t even have the money for it which makes it really hard for me to accept. He buys it for himself not for me. It’s the easy way out for him.
I have to work extremely hard to not only hide my disappointment but also pretend I’m happy. It’s really frustrating.

Why buy them if he doesn’t want them? What’s the point?

amother

↑ Garnet

Fri, Dec 08 2023, 1:13 pm

Cheiny wrote:

That is appropriate when someone who doesn’t know better gives you a gift. If I have a birthday party or host you for Shabbos and you bring me a gift, that is an appropriate response, the only appropriate response. If DH and I have a joint account (TBH even if we don’t share finances) and I have told him repeatedly that I don’t want a gift, it is either a blatant disregard or what I say or my feelings on the matter, a lack of respect for me and what I say, thinking you know better than I do about my wants, and it borders on gaslighting.

As an extreme analogy,
If I say I don’t want to be touched and I want personal space, but my DH has so much romantic love to give me -and wants to be a generous partner… even if he can successfully bring me to O, is he a fabulous giving husband or is that marital rape?

The bottom like is respect what people say and don’t insist you know better.

giftedmom

Fri, Dec 08 2023, 1:26 pm

It’s on him to accept graciously but also on you to give him what he really wants.
Personally gifts aren’t my love language, but they’re the love language of my family so I make an effort. I learned over the years.
And I accept graciously because I know that especially for a man it’s a huge boost to their ego to be able to give to their wives.
Basically you need to do your part and that starts with knowing what he really wants from you in order to feel loved.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Fri, Dec 08 2023, 1:27 pm

I have read of 5 love languages.
Gifts aren’t his top two but I thought everyone would still appreciate all forms of love.
I do acts of service. He naps every Shabbos. I make his breakfast lunch and dinner (2 of which he takes to work - even if we aren’t on good terms!). I’m sure there are many other areas of acts of service. I can also give him more touch (not just sx as he can get that whenever he wants).

I genuinely feel like all forms of love is and should be acceptable love.