how do u tell a 8 year old.........

shalhevet ↓

Wed, Aug 06 2008, 7:18 am

Don't try and tell her not to be friends with someone. Is she good friends with this girl or is it just one of many in the class?

If she is her good friend, I would just make excuses why they can't get together out of school hours, and meanwhile try and encourage other friendships.

If it's just one girl in her class I would ignore it.

↑ chavy ↓

Wed, Aug 06 2008, 7:21 am

Rutabaga wrote:

Why can't she be friends with the girl? Just don't let your daughter go home with her.

as I mentioned its a crazy house. I dont mind her playing with her in school but when she comes home I dont want them calling and playing at each others houses... my question is just how do I tell her?

↑ chavy ↓

Wed, Aug 06 2008, 7:23 am

shalhevet wrote:

this girl is one in a big class of 24 girls..
I dont wanna ignore it, I just need a nice way of telling that this one girl I dont like

greenfire

Wed, Aug 06 2008, 7:25 am

you can never control who they will be friends with ... besides we all have our good side and bad side ... how about if you set up some boundaries and make it possible to still be friends ...

Last edited by greenfire on Wed, Aug 06 2008, 7:26 am; edited 1 time in total

↑ shalhevet

Wed, Aug 06 2008, 7:26 am

You don't tell her. You just keep making excuses.

Her friend comes round - you are just about to all go out shopping. She wants to go to her friend? Not right now, we were just about to start baking cookies together.

Try and ask other friends round. Then if she knocks you can say: sorry, but there is already someone here. Some other time, okay?

I had this with a boy in my son's class. I don't know the family, but my husband does, and he said the children are allowed to do all sorts of things and are totally wild. The boy kept calling to ask if he could come round - I also thought it was really weird, he's only six (where was the mother?) and he was very chutzpadik. So I kept saying, 'sorry, we're just about to go out' or something along those lines.

↑ chavy

Wed, Aug 06 2008, 7:46 am

Rivky wrote:

Would it be wrong to say something like you dont like (or any other nicer word) for her to play at the friends house but have her friend come to you? Like that you're the supervisor and can stop anything you don't approve of.

I cud say that I dont let her go now to that friend, but how many times can I refuse?
that girl comes plenty to me and they play nicely and I watch them play and supervise anything not to my liking.

shopaholic

Wed, Aug 06 2008, 8:13 am

I have that with DD. There's this really sweet girl in her class but her family's haskafas are really not what our community holds by (not sure why she's even in the school) but anyway, the mother called a few months back & asked for DD to go there. I don't even trust the kashrus more than anything else so I said I was gonna take my kids to the playground & can her DD come with? The mother was fine with it.

SingALong

Wed, Aug 06 2008, 8:43 am

anytime my mom would tell me not to be friends with someone, guess who I would davka try to spend time with. especially in high school when you cant really control so much.

I would allow that girl to come to you, let her see a normal home, but liek the above posters said, always make excuses why she can't go to her.

amother

Wed, Aug 06 2008, 8:46 am

When I was in elementary school I was friends with a Persian girl and her family was a little more modern than my parents. They had a TV, her mother didnt cover her hair in the house, their kashrus standards were a lot lower than my parents... We became friends when we were about 7 or 8 and my parents kept trying to keep me away from her but the more they told me not to be friends with her the more we stayed together. I was switched to the other class and we still stayed friends. When we got to high school my parents switched me to a different school to keep us apart but we became even closer and we are still best friends today!!
I dont really think you can tell a kid who to be friends with.

Pizza

Wed, Aug 06 2008, 8:53 am

I would just keep having her over (for your daughters sake, and as a chessed as well) and not let her go to friends house. Most mothers are just happy to get their kid out of the house, I doubt the other girls mom will be too upset that shes not reciprocating.

I would *not* tell your daughter not to be her friend. It will boomerang on you.

dveikus

Fri, Aug 08 2008, 11:52 am

There is a boy in my son's class who is a major trouble maker, and from meeting the family there are definitely major problems. I don't know exactly what's going on in that house, but the kids are all turning to be messed up is one way or another, at young ages,, and meeting the mother once gave me a clue from some of the things she said that the home isn't normal.

Unfortunately my son became friends with this boy. I never told him not to be friends with him, but I keep my eyes and ears wide open, and when my son starting joining this kid in acting up in school, we worked it through with him and taught him he doesn't have to follow along. B"H he now behaves beautifully in school again, but it took a lot of work on our part, and we were in daily contact with his rebbe at that time. My son is still friends with this boy, but doesn't follow his behavior, and I would even say they've grown apart.

That said, I would never let my son go to that boy's house - it's my job to protect him. If he wants a play date the boy can come here, and I'd be thrilled to have him over, just so I can watch and listen and get an idea of where he's coming from and what he's about. He's only come once, but his mother has invited my son several times. I've always just politely given an excuse why that day wouldn't work for me.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is, don't necessarily forbid the friendship, but don't let your daughter go over there either. If you let her come to you you'll be able to observe her behavior and listen to the way she speaks, and know what you're up against,