Disrespectful teens literally walk away when I talk

amother

OP ↓

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 2:46 pm

I feel so helpless. They literally walk away from me in middle of a sentence, whether I'm asking then to do something or telling them that what they said or did is not acceptable, if they are in a bad mood or don't like what I'm saying they will literally talk over me and walk away, or just walk away and ignore me. They often deliberately ignore me when I call them if they're in a bad mood. There's always a reason why it's my fault that they're in a bad mood and they take it out on me.
I try not to tolerate disrespect and I call it out, but what can I do if they literally just walk away? Like I said, I feel so helpless.
I just watched some Supernanny videos and it's so depressing. Even the worst cases will still stand there quietly and listen to their mother when she rebukes them, even if it's with a sour face or attitude.

amother

Coffee ↓

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 2:48 pm

Don’t call it out with words
Proactively tell them of consequence(s) if happens again and then enforce it
Calmly
Like I’m not doing laundry cooking and optional driving or letting them use my car whatever it is that you think will work better or giving other privileges to anyone who treats me like that
Would say it sweetly warmly kindly whatever consequence you decide upon
They’ll probably test it
Hold the line calmly
No talking about it
Walk out of the room
Good modeling for them as well
Rinse and repeat as necessary

Hugs and hatzlocha

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 2:56 pm

They also back each other up passive aggressively. Like if one is talking disrespectfully to me and I tell them they can't talk that way, another one will laugh and comment to the first one something like " oh Mommy always does x" and they'll laugh together and ignore me. In a more sophisticated way that I can't even describe, like mean kids at school. I honestly have no clue how to deal with it. I was bullied as a kid and it brings me right back to my childhood. The more I try to correct them they just get more disrespectful and answer right back, ignore or walk away.
I need to go to an open house tonight with one daughter, and I don't know how I can look her in the eye, let alone go with her.

amother

Yellow

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 3:02 pm

It sounds really tough but it also sounds very normal.
I don't have any advice because I'm no where near that stage but I remember my sibling acting like that as teens.
It's definitely disrespectful but it's normal behaviour for that age.

amother

Clover ↓

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 3:06 pm

I would stop doing things for them. Like this open house, she laughed at you, say I'm sorry but I'm not in the mood of shlepping out for you right now you really hurt me. They laugh at you, tell theme they can eat cereal for supper you don't feel like cooking while they are hurting you. Start telling them they are hurting you and then stop doing things for them. They are old enough to take care of their own needs.

But really teaching respect is a basic thing that needs to start with toddlers. If you have younger kids too learn how to be more assertive so that you can fix the issue with them.

amother

Viola

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 3:06 pm

Does your DH ever intervene and call them out on their chutzpah?

amother

↑ Clover ↓

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 3:06 pm

amother Yellow wrote:

It is not normal. It's common but not normal. And there is not reason to keep the cycle going.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 3:44 pm

amother Clover wrote:

I wish I could say that, but I think I really need to go to the open house.

amother

↑ Coffee ↓

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 3:48 pm

So go
But make a proactive plan for the future and get professional help to do so if you need to
Like if one starts just walk out of the room leave the house etc do what it takes go to your room and shut the door don’t engage
Actions speak louder than words

No special treats foods anything optional would be out til you see improvement and they earn back their privileges will take time can be done

amother

↑ Coffee ↓

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 3:50 pm

And you know what? Open yourself to possibilities
Think out of the box
I’d consider telling them you have a headache and so sorry won’t be up to going to the open house
Go in your room and shut the door
Change the dance
Do it
Lay in a nice supply of treats for yourself first

Don’t discuss defend etc
They’ll get the message
And regardless you will feel better

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 3:54 pm

amother Coffee wrote:

How does it help for me to walk away if the problem is that they're walking away the minute the conversation is not going their way?

giftedmom

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 4:02 pm

There is some kind of dynamic going on here that’s hard to put my finger on not knowing the bigger picture. For ex: your dhs role in this, your overall dynamic with them when they were younger, and possibly your own insecurities that they’re picking up on.
You can probably benefit from therapy to figure it all out.

amother

↑ Clover ↓

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 4:05 pm

amother OP wrote:

How does it help for me to walk away if the problem is that they're walking away the minute the conversation is not going their way?

They expect you to just continue being available despite being disrespectful. If you start showing them that you will not stand for it and there will be instant repercussions like you not being available for everything they want, they will get the message.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 4:16 pm

amother Clover wrote:

I go to my room a lot when these things happen. Then they get used to me not being involved in things in the house, and they do whatever they want. So I think it just contributes to the problem.

amother

Catmint

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 4:20 pm

I agree with OP, definitely don’t just walk away, that teaches them it’s okay to do that, which is exactly the opposite from what you want.

amother

↑ Coffee

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 4:23 pm

So then don’t walk away
State that you are taking away a specific privilege whatever it is
And go about your business
Think what will work for you
If they have cell phones call your provider and shut off the service

amother

↑ Clover

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 4:26 pm

You need to not be available for things like driving, buying special things, doing things they expect you to do etc..

amother

Sapphire

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 4:32 pm

OP, do they ever see your husband talk to you/treat you like this?

amother

Tangerine

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 4:39 pm

Me and my siblings were like this to our parents. I wished they would have yelled at us for it. We did it to test them and they broke, they couldn't be the strong parents we wanted to see.
Tell them out, speak harshly to them next time they do that. DO NOT stand for it and make that absolutely clear.

amother

Yolk

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 4:55 pm

amother OP wrote:

Ouch, this sounds so painful. It sounds like you're all stuck in a negative loop.

You wrote that they are disrespectful when you ask them to do something or tell them that what they said or did is not acceptable. Both of those things, asking them to do something and telling them their behavior isn't acceptable, are negative and can feel to them like criticism.

Normally, that's fine, a parent can make those comments once in a while. But since it sounds like the whole relationship devolved into a power struggle over this, I'm not sure that the hardline approach, being even more strict and drawing firm lines, will work.

You can try the exact opposite for a couple weeks and see what happens. Go 100% positive. Compliment and praise, and simply ignore the negative. Bite your tongue a lot. Try to tell yourself different messages so that their behavior doesn't upset you visibly. Try to create a positive rapport, even if it's very small, then build on that. Do things one on one or as a family together that you can all enjoy. Show them a funny video clip and laugh together. Make them their favorite recipes or buy them their favorite snacks, and tell them that you made it because you know they like it, or you were thinking about them when you were shopping. Tell them often that you love them.

Whichever approach you try, I would also suggest involving a third party, whether therapist or parenting mentor. Sometimes an outside perspective is needed.

As a side point, you might also want to consider therapy to help heal from the pain of your experiences being bullied, since that might also be affecting your responses.