Leaving an aging parent for Aliyah

amother

OP ↓

Tue, Nov 21 2023, 6:27 pm

I know leaving family is hard but for those in your 30's,40' or even 50's how did you make peace with leaving an aging parent. I have one sibling but leaving the burden just on her is not right. If I wait years my kids will be teens/adults and it may never happen. It's not seemingly possible to bring my parent.

Is it even halachically allowed to leave?

amother

Viola

Tue, Nov 21 2023, 6:35 pm

amother OP wrote:

My parents are about to make aliyah and leave my mother's father behind. He gave them his blessing and said he doesn't want to hold them back from their dream. My father's mother already lives there. My mother only has one sibling to take care of her father if needed but will definitely come back and visit the US a lot to see her married kid (me) and my grandfather. I mean, my grandfather is remarried so maybe that's different, but they were planning to make aliyah even after my grandmother passed away and they didn't know how long my grandfather would be alone for...

amother

Red ↓

Tue, Nov 21 2023, 9:34 pm

This is very hard. I know many people in this position not making aliyah. The threads here telling you everyone belongs in Israel aren’t considering all the things that might hold you back. Aylor is one answer, but you have to think it through yourself too. If you wait it might become impossible, but leaving an aging parent behind isn’t a simple thing to do for you, for the parent or for other family members that are now or might have to become involved in your parent’s care.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, Nov 21 2023, 11:04 pm

amother Broom wrote:

We did and then my mil ended up living with us for the last year of her life

How did that work out logistically with paying for medical care? They made aliyah?

amother

Papayawhip

Tue, Nov 21 2023, 11:05 pm

My grandparents waited until my great grandmother was about 96-97. They moved then with her permission and she was niftar a year later. But they had a bunch of siblings local to care for her. I think it’s a halachic shaila

amother

Burntblack ↓

Tue, Nov 21 2023, 11:29 pm

Dh's parents made aliyah 10 years after we did, with their health issues, because we were here. Now we are taking care of them alone and his siblings get off scot free in America.

amother

DarkViolet

Tue, Nov 21 2023, 11:47 pm

OP all I can tell you is I have very difficult aging parents, and for certain (selfish) reasons, some siblings dont participate much in helping care for them. That leaves the entire brunt of it unfairly on 2 of us.
I can not begin to describe to you how deep my resentment goes. I try so hard not to, but I am simmering with anger, pain and resentment.
It is so so hard.
How dare they not chip in equally, or at least substabtially?? Why is it all on us?

amother

Jetblack

Wed, Nov 22 2023, 2:14 am

Just another perspective from one who looked after her in-laws because their own children refused to:

Do you have children? Try to make this an opportunity to model Kibud Av vaEm, and maybe they can build their own relationship with your in-laws. I know it’s hard, but try and cherish the good memories and the opportunity to do mitzvos instead of letting resentment get the better of you. Down the road you will be glad you did

amother

Beige

Wed, Nov 22 2023, 3:20 am

amother DarkViolet wrote:

How that goes?, they say if you are an only child you get to take care of your parents but if you are one of many children, which one of you is the only child?

I doubt you will resent your schar. And after 120 you will see it as a privilege.

Maybe some are selfish, maybe they don't share other reasons.

Its sure easier to care for parents if the relationship has been a very good one all the years.

But I definitely say OP, its a shaila, aylor.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Nov 22 2023, 7:11 am

My husband has a complicated relationship with my mom, for good reason. He said if we didn't go because of her he would be resentful for the rest of his life.

amother

↑ Burntblack

Wed, Nov 22 2023, 7:21 am

amother OP wrote:

My husband has a complicated relationship with my mom, for good reason. He said if we didn't go because of her he would be resentful for the rest of his life.

I know a lot of people who fly back when their parents need them. It's pretty common.
Can you contribute financially if you can't always be there physically?

amother

Fuchsia

Wed, Nov 22 2023, 8:16 am

I think at the end of the day, you need to make the best decision for you, your husband, and your kids. עזב איש את אביו ואת אמו ודבק באשתו
Especially if your husband doesn't have the best relationship with your mom, who knows if you would even become her primary caregiver as she ages.
Why is her not moving to Israel not an option at all, but you would have to compromise on this for her?
There are other options.

amother

Seagreen

Wed, Nov 22 2023, 8:25 am

Aside from flying back, I know people who take on the caretaker role of paperwork and phone calls. They deal with insurance, medicaid, social security, etc. It requires decent communication with the sibling doing the on site care, but can be a big help. You use an American number.

amother

Dahlia

Wed, Nov 22 2023, 8:52 am

Anyone who makes aliyah has to deal with the issue of ageing parents at some stage. I made aliyah leaving two healthy parents in late middle life. Years later one of them was diagnosed with cancer, and was niftar a couple of years later. No children lived in the country, and the burden of care was on the other parent with flying visits from us.

Now we have one ageing parent alone in the country, and all of us live in Israel. Right now he is healthy and independent. We don't know how things will develop over the coming years, especially if he chooses to remain there. It might need more than flying visits. Whatever age you make aliyah, the concern remains the same.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Nov 22 2023, 9:14 am

Hypothetically if we did bring her at some points is it like America where you have to pay for nursing homes? How can a late olim get senior benefits if they didn't pay into the system?

ShishKabob ↓

Wed, Nov 22 2023, 10:05 am

amother Fuchsia wrote:

This doesn't mean you are free of kibbud av vem. This must be discussed with a competent Rav.