 |
|
 |
 |
|
|
Forum
-> Fashion and Beauty
-> Sheitels & Tichels
↑
Chayalle
|
 Thu, Nov 02 2023, 4:17 pm
| amother Broom wrote: | Ok you know exceptions. So for them, maybe it's worth getting one perfect shaitel with tzedaka money, keep it styled in between so it could be dressed up and dressed down, and saving up for that second shaitel. Or they can get 2, but compromise on the color or get a used wig much cheaper and then spend on alterations...
The budget for hachnasas kallah for shaitels should be what 2 middle-end shaitels cost because that's more or less the norm. |
But that's not allowed. They have to get one wig within very boxed in amount and from specific sheitelmachers, and they have to buy a 2nd wig from that sheitelmacher. They don't have many options at all.....and if they don't take what's given they loose the entire package (which is much more than sheitels).
Read the poster's experience about being a Kallah needing tzedaka funds, and her experience....I guess that pretty much is what I meant.
| |
|
| Back to top |
 0
 2
|
amother
|
Thu, Nov 02 2023, 4:23 pm
| amother Olive wrote: | I was going to refrain from posting about this since it’s a topic that still upsets me. But I think it needs to be said.
My parents couldn’t afford 95% of my wedding. My in-laws covered any hall related expenses, we used tzedakah organizations to pay for some of the shopping expenses, aunts and uncles chipped in for some things, and I used my savings to pay for the rest.
It’s awful being a tzedakah kallah. Everyone has the attitude of “just be grateful it’s getting paid for”. Which is fine for many things but there are always a few things that are important to a kallah that, if possible, she should get a say in.
One of the organizations covered one wig of any length or color. I went in to pick it out. There was no “picking out”. I had dirty blonde, leaning towards brown hair. They refused to give me a wig that color. They forced me to take a dark brown, almost black wig and tried to convince me that it’s really my color but it’s just that the lighting was bad. They also told me that it’s not true that any length was covered and I had to take something 4” shorter than I would have liked. Their whole attitude was that I’m lucky I’m getting a free wig at all and I should just be grateful for this wig that doesn’t even remotely match my hair. It was a miserable and humiliating experience and I left in tears.
I ended up spending over $500 from my own savings on dying it 3 times to get it to be closer to my hair color. It was the wig I wore to my wedding and people who picture’s always ask,”were you always that dark?”
A wig is something important to a kallah. I’m not saying you need to get her something expensive but yes, she should have at least one wig that matches her hair and is the length she’d like it to be. Don’t take that away from her. |
Oh, I agree with you. I think that a kallah that needs tzedaka should for sure be bought one shaitel that looks amazing on her. 2 maybe. But 3 is just too much.
Personally, my parents didn't have much money either. I got a $900 wig new from a shaitel macher (around 12 years ago. Not sure the equivalent now). It was a name I never heard of but the shaitel macher made it fit me (I have crazy thick hair so she added a net inside) and it was exactly my color and looked nice.
For a second shaitel, I got a used shaitel. I didn't have a good experience but I know exactly where I went wrong. A kallah needs a shaitel macher. Can't be a person who sells used wigs and isn't one.
In my case, the seller was convinced I was an XL and had exactly one wig in that size. I have a typical color so that wasn't the issue. When I went to a real shaitel macher, I discovered I'm a medium. I just have a crazy amount of hair.
BUT if the seller of used shaitels is a shaitel macher, this can be an amazing option. There are plenty of stunning wigs being sold at quite a discount.
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
2
|
|
amother
Raspberry
|
Thu, Nov 02 2023, 4:26 pm
Wow, I'm floored.
I started off as a kallah with one shaitel that cost $1100. (This was over a decade ago.) Paid for it with my own money. I wore it every day for 5 years before buying a 2nd shaitel, my fall.
BH now I can afford more, but still only have 2 shaitel, a regular and a fall. And both of them cost under $1,000.
I would think that anyone taking tzedakah would try to keep costs down. You can buy a beautiful pre-owned shaitel for under $1,000, and some of them were barely worn at all.
| |
|
| Back to top |
1
6
|
amother
|
Thu, Nov 02 2023, 4:30 pm
| amother Raspberry wrote: | Wow, I'm floored.
I started off as a kallah with one shaitel that cost $1100. (This was over a decade ago.) Paid for it with my own money. I wore it every day for 5 years before buying a 2nd shaitel, my fall.
BH now I can afford more, but still only have 2 shaitel, a regular and a fall. And both of them cost under $1,000. |
Personally, I quickly learned that DH doesn't like shaitels... And so my $900 shaitel lasted for a looooong time. Almost 11 years. (The shaitel that was an XL I gave my mother because it was collecting dust.) I replaced it this year with a used shaitel that my friend sold me for $100. It's exactly what I need for the rare occasion that I wear a shaitel these days.
All I can say is I'm very grateful I didn't/my parents didn't/tzedaka didn't because in my case, it would've been a waste of money.
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
0
|
amother
|
Thu, Nov 02 2023, 4:32 pm
| amother Broom wrote: | Oh, I agree with you. I think that a kallah that needs tzedaka should for sure be bought one shaitel that looks amazing on her. 2 maybe. But 3 is just too much.
Personally, my parents didn't have much money either. I got a $900 wig new from a shaitel macher (around 12 years ago. Not sure the equivalent now). It was a name I never heard of but the shaitel macher made it fit me (I have crazy thick hair so she added a net inside) and it was exactly my color and looked nice.
For a second shaitel, I got a used shaitel. I didn't have a good experience but I know exactly where I went wrong. A kallah needs a shaitel macher. Can't be a person who sells used wigs and isn't one.
In my case, the seller was convinced I was an XL and had exactly one wig in that size. I have a typical color so that wasn't the issue. When I went to a real shaitel macher, I discovered I'm a medium. I just have a crazy amount of hair.
BUT if the seller of used shaitels is a shaitel macher, this can be an amazing option. There are plenty of stunning wigs being sold at quite a discount. |
I ended up with 3 because that’s the norm in my community and the guy was helping us with the tzedakah organizations insisted that I get 3.
My aunts chipped in and got me a second hand wig which turned out to be extremely damaged. A year later there were probably only 10 hairs left on the wig.
My third wig my parents had intended to pay for. It was a $1200 wig. They ended up not having enough money after paying off $400. The guy I mentioned previously very kindly supplemented another $600 and I supplied the remaining $200
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
1
|
amother
|
Thu, Nov 02 2023, 4:33 pm
| Chayalle wrote: | But that's not allowed. They have to get one wig within very boxed in amount and from specific sheitelmachers, and they have to buy a 2nd wig from that sheitelmacher. They don't have many options at all.....and if they don't take what's given they loose the entire package (which is much more than sheitels).
Read the poster's experience about being a Kallah needing tzedaka funds, and her experience....I guess that pretty much is what I meant. |
That's sad. I don't agree with that.
The OP wasn't really that though. She was asking $ amount. Didn't sound like it was an org that had limitations. And that's where I said the amount should be based on the average kallah and not on the girl with a XXS head, XXL head, or a red or blonde. And kallahs like that can take the money given for 2 wigs and spend it on one wig that is perfect for them.
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
0
|
writinggirl
|
Thu, Nov 02 2023, 4:37 pm
|
A wig is a big part of your appearance. I feel very strongly that a kallah should get at least 2 wigs from regular brands like Sary, Irene, Miri etc that match her hair color reasonably well. A fall is somewhat extra so perhaps she can pay for that out of her own pocket. I hear scrimping on jewelry or similar but to me a wig is almost a part of your body.
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
4
|
amother
|
Thu, Nov 02 2023, 4:44 pm
| writinggirl wrote: | | A wig is a big part of your appearance. I feel very strongly that a kallah should get at least 2 wigs from regular brands like Sary, Irene, Miri etc that match her hair color reasonably well. A fall is somewhat extra so perhaps she can pay for that out of her own pocket. I hear scrimping on jewelry or similar but to me a wig is almost a part of your body. |
I think the biggest problem is the norms with these kallah things. I barely wear a wig so to me that's really not so important. Other people, let their ILs buy them a nice wig instead of the diamond bracelet and get a smaller ring.
Husband also. Maybe he'd prefer a nicer shas instead of the cufflinks. Maybe he'd prefer one talis and that it should be nicer.
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
3
|
B'Syata D'Shmya
↓
|
Thu, Nov 02 2023, 5:15 pm
| amother Olive wrote: | I was going to refrain from posting about this since it’s a topic that still upsets me. But I think it needs to be said.
My parents couldn’t afford 95% of my wedding. My in-laws covered any hall related expenses, we used tzedakah organizations to pay for some of the shopping expenses, aunts and uncles chipped in for some things, and I used my savings to pay for the rest.
It’s awful being a tzedakah kallah. Everyone has the attitude of “just be grateful it’s getting paid for”. Which is fine for many things but there are always a few things that are important to a kallah that, if possible, she should get a say in.
One of the organizations covered one wig of any length or color. I went in to pick it out. There was no “picking out”. I had dirty blonde, leaning towards brown hair. They refused to give me a wig that color. They forced me to take a dark brown, almost black wig and tried to convince me that it’s really my color but it’s just that the lighting was bad. They also told me that it’s not true that any length was covered and I had to take something 4” shorter than I would have liked. Their whole attitude was that I’m lucky I’m getting a free wig at all and I should just be grateful for this wig that doesn’t even remotely match my hair. It was a miserable and humiliating experience and I left in tears.
I ended up spending over $500 from my own savings on dying it 3 times to get it to be closer to my hair color. It was the wig I wore to my wedding and people who picture’s always ask,”were you always that dark?”
A wig is something important to a kallah. I’m not saying you need to get her something expensive but yes, she should have at least one wig that matches her hair and is the length she’d like it to be. Don’t take that away from her. |
I am so sorry that you felt that way. I have no idea the circumstances but am sure that everyone was doing the best they can...Im sorry that you couldnt get the sheitel of your dreams and am glad that you were able to dye it to the color you wanted. Hoping your next sheitel is nicer.
Believe me, I know women and Kallahs who spent a fortune of their own money and werent happy with the results. Its not an easy no matter what.
In my day, things were different, as a Kallah, my friends and I never had the audacity to demand or have expectations, unless we were paying for it ourselves.
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
1
|
amother
|
Thu, Nov 02 2023, 6:27 pm
| B'Syata D'Shmya wrote: | I am so sorry that you felt that way. I have no idea the circumstances but am sure that everyone was doing the best they can...Im sorry that you couldnt get the sheitel of your dreams and am glad that you were able to dye it to the color you wanted. Hoping your next sheitel is nicer.
Believe me, I know women and Kallahs who spent a fortune of their own money and werent happy with the results. Its not an easy no matter what.
In my day, things were different, as a Kallah, my friends and I never had the audacity to demand or have expectations, unless we were paying for it ourselves. |
I honestly had low expectations and didn’t have any demands. I knew that I shouldn’t expect much and I knew I wouldn’t get much. I was a poor girl from a poor family. But I was told that I was going to be getting one wig that could be anything I wanted. So for the wig, I did come in with expectations because that’s what I’d been told.
The way you’re treated as a kallah who needs financial help makes a huge difference. Some places I went to made me feel like a beggar which is an awful feeling, especially a kallah.
I had gotten some credit to spend at Saposh lingerie. I had to inform them at the desk prior to trying things on that I was coming from this organization. That alone is somewhat embarrassing.
The attendant was an incredibly nice person and didn’t let me look at price tags. She had me pick my two favorite pieces and then personally paid the difference because she said “Every kallah should feel special and s-xy in the bedroom”.
I honestly still cry at her kindness. She went out her way to make me feel like a kallah and not like a nebach case who needs to get the bare minimum.
| |
|
| Back to top |
1
6
|
|
amother
Aquamarine
|
Thu, Nov 02 2023, 7:12 pm
| amother Olive wrote: | I was going to refrain from posting about this since it’s a topic that still upsets me. But I think it needs to be said.
My parents couldn’t afford 95% of my wedding. My in-laws covered any hall related expenses, we used tzedakah organizations to pay for some of the shopping expenses, aunts and uncles chipped in for some things, and I used my savings to pay for the rest.
It’s awful being a tzedakah kallah. Everyone has the attitude of “just be grateful it’s getting paid for”. Which is fine for many things but there are always a few things that are important to a kallah that, if possible, she should get a say in.
One of the organizations covered one wig of any length or color. I went in to pick it out. There was no “picking out”. I had dirty blonde, leaning towards brown hair. They refused to give me a wig that color. They forced me to take a dark brown, almost black wig and tried to convince me that it’s really my color but it’s just that the lighting was bad. They also told me that it’s not true that any length was covered and I had to take something 4” shorter than I would have liked. Their whole attitude was that I’m lucky I’m getting a free wig at all and I should just be grateful for this wig that doesn’t even remotely match my hair. It was a miserable and humiliating experience and I left in tears.
I ended up spending over $500 from my own savings on dying it 3 times to get it to be closer to my hair color. It was the wig I wore to my wedding and people who picture’s always ask,”were you always that dark?”
A wig is something important to a kallah. I’m not saying you need to get her something expensive but yes, she should have at least one wig that matches her hair and is the length she’d like it to be. Don’t take that away from her. |
I am so sorry you had such an awful experience. I had many similar experiences when I got married as a tzedakah kallah. But the shaitels were actually one thing I had a great experience with. I got married about 10 years ago and TDL covered my shaitel. I am an easy basic brown color so that maybe that made a difference. They didn't have rules about length then. This was the 1 thing I actually didn't feel bad about.
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
2
|
amother
|
Thu, Nov 02 2023, 7:32 pm
| Chayalle wrote: | I'm not blonde (I'm the brunette in a family of several blondes LOL). But I have seen blondes wearing the wrong shade of blonde. It looks green. Or washed out. Have you ever seen that? I would put my tzedaka money to getting a Kallah a wig that looks better than that.
It's easy to say "good enough" when it's not you being the one in need. |
THANK YOU!
I'm the one who said I'm blonde and my wigs didn't look right.
They were the wrong shade of blonde.
It made my skin tone look ORANGE.
I cried about how I looked.
| |
|
| Back to top |
1
0
|
↑
notshanarishona
|
Thu, Nov 02 2023, 7:33 pm
| amother Olive wrote: | I was going to refrain from posting about this since it’s a topic that still upsets me. But I think it needs to be said.
My parents couldn’t afford 95% of my wedding. My in-laws covered any hall related expenses, we used tzedakah organizations to pay for some of the shopping expenses, aunts and uncles chipped in for some things, and I used my savings to pay for the rest.
It’s awful being a tzedakah kallah. Everyone has the attitude of “just be grateful it’s getting paid for”. Which is fine for many things but there are always a few things that are important to a kallah that, if possible, she should get a say in.
One of the organizations covered one wig of any length or color. I went in to pick it out. There was no “picking out”. I had dirty blonde, leaning towards brown hair. They refused to give me a wig that color. They forced me to take a dark brown, almost black wig and tried to convince me that it’s really my color but it’s just that the lighting was bad. They also told me that it’s not true that any length was covered and I had to take something 4” shorter than I would have liked. Their whole attitude was that I’m lucky I’m getting a free wig at all and I should just be grateful for this wig that doesn’t even remotely match my hair. It was a miserable and humiliating experience and I left in tears.
I ended up spending over $500 from my own savings on dying it 3 times to get it to be closer to my hair color. It was the wig I wore to my wedding and people who picture’s always ask,”were you always that dark?”
A wig is something important to a kallah. I’m not saying you need to get her something expensive but yes, she should have at least one wig that matches her hair and is the length she’d like it to be. Don’t take that away from her. |
It’s awful being a tzedakah kallah like you describe, but it’s even worse feeling when you weren’t a tzedakah kallah, made do with the bare minimum, have been married for 10+ years with your one cheap sheital that you can’t afford to replace and or gemach sheitals and people come collecting and guilt you into hachnas kallah for something you would take a lifetime to save up for yourself. Again, if someone lives wealthy and has the maaser money great. But to say that hachnasos kallah includes 3 sheitals when that can pay tuition for a year or food or other necessities I think our priorities are messed up.
| |
|
| Back to top |
2
12
|
amother
|
Thu, Nov 02 2023, 8:19 pm
| amother Aquamarine wrote: | | I am so sorry you had such an awful experience. I had many similar experiences when I got married as a tzedakah kallah. But the shaitels were actually one thing I had a great experience with. I got married about 10 years ago and TDL covered my shaitel. I am an easy basic brown color so that maybe that made a difference. They didn't have rules about length then. This was the 1 thing I actually didn't feel bad about. |
❤️ thanks for the validation. Im sorry for your own experiences as a tzedakah kallah but I’m so happy for you that you got a good wig!
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
0
|
amother
|
Thu, Nov 02 2023, 8:25 pm
| notshanarishona wrote: | | It’s awful being a tzedakah kallah like you describe, but it’s even worse feeling when you weren’t a tzedakah kallah, made do with the bare minimum, have been married for 10+ years with your one cheap sheital that you can’t afford to replace and or gemach sheitals and people come collecting and guilt you into hachnas kallah for something you would take a lifetime to save up for yourself. Again, if someone lives wealthy and has the maaser money great. But to say that hachnasos kallah includes 3 sheitals when that can pay tuition for a year or food or other necessities I think our priorities are messed up. |
Honestly, I hear that. And I’m sorry for what you experienced. A kallah can definitely make do with less.
I’m just saying that when it’s possible for an individual or an organization to give fully, they should try to do so. Choice is hugely important to a kallah and she should be given as much of one as possible.
I’m far from wealthy, but b”h since getting married I’m definitely doing better than when living by my parents and I always prioritize donating to kallah organizations simply because I’ve been there and I know how much is needed. And the more money there is, the more kallahs can be helped and the more choices the kallah can have so she feels like a normal kallah
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
1
|
|
amother
Lime
|
Thu, Nov 02 2023, 8:36 pm
Ten years ago I got a tzedakah wig from TDL. I got a Bella it was probably worth 1200. I was greatly appreciative and have since donated maaser to them and I think I have a lot more than 1200 to them over the years bH.
They had a rule you couldn’t get more than 2 wigs in total ie if they were giving you a tzedakah wig you weren’t allowed to buy two others. So I got one from them, another Bella that my parents somehow paid for, and there was a sale of $300 wigs (very junky obviously) and we asked permission from them if it was ok for me to get one despite the general rule and they said yes.
Still very grateful to them to this day even thought the wig is long gone (replaced by an irene)
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
2
|
↑
B'Syata D'Shmya
↓
|
Fri, Nov 03 2023, 12:12 am
| amother Olive wrote: | I honestly had low expectations and didn’t have any demands. I knew that I shouldn’t expect much and I knew I wouldn’t get much. I was a poor girl from a poor family. But I was told that I was going to be getting one wig that could be anything I wanted. So for the wig, I did come in with expectations because that’s what I’d been told.
The way you’re treated as a kallah who needs financial help makes a huge difference. Some places I went to made me feel like a beggar which is an awful feeling, especially a kallah.
I had gotten some credit to spend at Saposh lingerie. I had to inform them at the desk prior to trying things on that I was coming from this organization. That alone is somewhat embarrassing.
The attendant was an incredibly nice person and didn’t let me look at price tags. She had me pick my two favorite pieces and then personally paid the difference because she said “Every kallah should feel special and s-xy in the bedroom”.
I honestly still cry at her kindness. She went out her way to make me feel like a kallah and not like a nebach case who needs to get the bare minimum. |
I know what you mean, when I went looking for Gmach dresses, some treated me like I was a million dollars and some like the gum stuck under their shoe.
The kindness lingers far longer than the item....
ETA - please dont describe yourself as a poor girl from a poor fam....I bet there are better adjectives you could use and as you wrote, at the end Hashem provided and you are doing financially better today.
Last edited by B'Syata D'Shmya on Fri, Nov 03 2023, 12:47 am; edited 1 time in total
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
1
|
↑
B'Syata D'Shmya
↓
|
Fri, Nov 03 2023, 12:17 am
| amother Olive wrote: | Honestly, I hear that. And I’m sorry for what you experienced. A kallah can definitely make do with less.
I’m just saying that when it’s possible for an individual or an organization to give fully, they should try to do so. Choice is hugely important to a kallah and she should be given as much of one as possible.
I’m far from wealthy, but b”h since getting married I’m definitely doing better than when living by my parents and I always prioritize donating to kallah organizations simply because I’ve been there and I know how much is needed. And the more money there is, the more kallahs can be helped and the more choices the kallah can have so she feels like a normal kallah |
Sometimes its not a matter of how much money one has but where the priorities are. A friends MIL made a big deal that she was going to take her as a kalla to buy her sheitel(single), she took her to a yerid tzedaka where they were selling junky synthetics for peanuts. My friend picked one, thanked her (used it for work trying hard not to look at the mirror) and her MIL as since been bragging about it...OTOH, my friend says her IL's were super generous in other ways. Its a matter of priorities. We should try to be DLKZ.
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
1
|
↑
B'Syata D'Shmya
↓
|
Fri, Nov 03 2023, 12:23 am
| amother Aquamarine wrote: | | I am so sorry you had such an awful experience. I had many similar experiences when I got married as a tzedakah kallah. But the shaitels were actually one thing I had a great experience with. I got married about 10 years ago and TDL covered my shaitel. I am an easy basic brown color so that maybe that made a difference. They didn't have rules about length then. This was the 1 thing I actually didn't feel bad about. |
I HATE the term tzedaka kallah. We all have 3 parents, Hashem provides, the HOW HE does it is up to him. Tzedaka organizations are just doing Avodas Kodesh and should treat the Kallah the way Hashem would want them to be treated. If the organization can afford the 9K for 3 wigs for the Kallah that is really up to Hashem. The organization shouldnt worry about tomorrow and budgeting for other Kallahs, Hashem will take care of that. They should give their best for the Kallah standing in front of them today.
As many have written, todays Kallah is tomorrows sponsor...I think its amazing that the Kallah remembers and supports others who need their third parent to provide....
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
2
|
amother
|
Fri, Nov 03 2023, 12:24 am
| dena613 wrote: | No, I think 6-7000 is over the top.
I'm curious why you're asking if it's not your kallah and it doesn't sound like you're the tzedakah org either... |
I’m the one trying to arrange money for this wedding….if you must know.
So while I’m also donating what I can I am trying to raise funds from others, and want to make both sides happy.
| |
|
| Back to top |
1
1
|
|
Imamother may earn commission when you use our links to make a purchase.
© 2024 Imamother.com - All rights reserved
|  |
 |
|
 |
|
|
