DD doesn't think she can stay at seminary all year

amother

Floralwhite

Tue, Oct 03 2023, 12:45 pm

Tishrei is so difficult and unsettling away from home. I hated it.

But once we settled into a schedule after YT and had a chance to really get to know the other girls, start learning seriously, and get used to the daily schedule and how to deal with the food situation, I started enjoying. By the end of the year I didn't want to return home...

amother

Impatiens

Tue, Oct 03 2023, 1:03 pm

amother Plum wrote:

Please use this to help her start acting like an adult and make her stick it out. These are the same girls that will come running home when their husbands do something they don’t like! You are the adult and you have to help her become one too. Stop coddling her and help her get through it. It will be the best gift you as a parent can give your child.

Not true. I hate this comparison. I hated seminary. I stuck it out but it was an awful year. Tried talking to sem teacher about making things better and she basically gave me the same speech, that I have to learn to deal with these things as I will have to deal with them when married

Married 3 years now BH. It is not similar at all!!! I’ve never gone or even considered complaining or running to my parents when my husband upset me. Marriage is literally nothing like seminary.

↑ dena613

Tue, Oct 03 2023, 3:46 pm

amother Floralwhite wrote:

This is true.
Tishrei is the worst
You're new and unsettled and have to arrange lots of meals ...
Everyone cries in tishrei

tichellady

Tue, Oct 03 2023, 4:07 pm

You know your kid. Is she a complainer? Someone who has a hard time with transitions? Do you think the seminary is a good fit for her? Does she struggle socially? Is there a different school she does want to go to? There’s no clear answer here. We all know people Who stayed in their schools and were happy, switched schools and were happy, stayed and were unhappy etc. it’s not really something you can be sure about but I think it’s more important that you try to speak with her and communicate and make sure she feels heard and then you can decide together what the best plan of action would be.

Its a ridiculous thing to bring up divorce here. The better metaphor will be to spend more time investing in dating before choosing a spouse.

amother

Cobalt

Tue, Oct 03 2023, 4:52 pm

amother OP wrote:

She is at a large seminary and there are lots of girls. She finds many of the girls beyond rude and unkind and doesn't feel she gets any support from the staff to help make things better or more orderly. This is on top of rustic dorm accomodations and often times a lack-luster or inadequate daily singular meal. Really highlights the feeling that seminary is more about money and less about yiddishkeit and taking care of the girls.

So my question is, considering most seminary beginnings are tough, do most girls go through a similar first impression experience and end up having a great year? Or just suck it up and live in misery. Or somewhere in between?

So far we are regretting our decision to send her.

Im so sorry OP. I know quite a few girls recently who told me they didnt have the amazing experience they expected. Ranging from "it was ok, but nothing special to, it was horrible, I counted down the days to come home the whole year".
More than one was careful not to let their parents know the year was a waste because they felt bad that the parents paid so much money when they couldnt afford it, which im not sure if its a good thing or not. Its certainly special of the girls to care for the parents' feelings, but there are younger sisters that they'll be sending to seminary soon..

Either way. I hope she has a great year soon, but she is definitely not alone.

amother

White

Tue, Oct 03 2023, 5:16 pm

OP, I’m so sorry. It’s so hard to have made the decision to send your child and hearing them miserable. And you’re so far and helpless!

I went to seminary around 20 years ago. The year I went, yomim tovim were also very early. Even though I am a friendly and outgoing person, I had a very, very hard time adjusting. The early yomim tovim were also very hard! You didn’t get used to it much before you’re thrown into the holiday meal finding. Even if your sem helps- it’s hard when you haven’t found your place yet. Also this year there is an entire week of CH, I can imagine that that’s tough too.

I did eventually find my place, and I very much enjoyed my year. I grew on many levels in many areas of life.

Do you know any other Moms who sent their children to this place? Can they help you at all?

B'Syata D'Shmya ↓

Tue, Oct 03 2023, 5:23 pm

amother OP wrote:

Is this a new behavior?
How did she used to handle new things? Had she gone to camp - if so-did she complain about the conditios or lack of support in camp? How about at school?
What was she expecting? (were you promised better conditions?)
Does she normally have an impulsive response to things she doesnt like or isnt used to or is this different or new?
Unfortunately the world is filled with people who are beyond rude and orderly. Cant fix that.
Encourage her to find a mentor or someone with a listening ear - eim bayis or madricha...

BTW, what does the cost of sem have to do with your dd's complaints? Sem is about learning and personal growth. Yiddisheit the girls hopefully get at home, sem is about reinforcing.

Please know that in general the term "taken care of" in a large sem is an oxymoron. 'Big places' are not necessarily the best place for sensitive girls who need more personal attention. You can still try to change to a more suitable place if you want.
A good fit is important for a successful year.

ruchelbuckle

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 6:09 pm

I remember waking up the morning of Hoshana Raba and thinking, "thank you Hashem, Sukkos is almost over." Tishrei is a very, very hard month in seminary-- even if you are "placed" and don't need to make your own arrangements. Just totally unsettling. So it's likely a very typical reaction that your daughter doesn't like it that much. I wouldn't make any drastic move just yet.

No one asked me my opinion, but it would probably be much easier on the girls if the seminaries ran on a different schedule. Like, starting the week after Sukkos or something. Or an optional Elul zman. Especially this year, when some places only started a week or ten days before R"H. But again, I am just a random person who posts on imamother, so you don't need to take me too seriously. Smile

amother

Vanilla

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 6:55 pm

ruchelbuckle wrote:

I recently listened to a podcast by Rabbi Orlofsky about seminary (it's about a year old) and he says the same thing about seminary starting after Sukkos.

↑ B'Syata D'Shmya

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 8:04 pm

ruchelbuckle wrote:

Totally bothers me that you Mothers ALLOW the sems to do this to your dc. THE SEM SHOULD MAKE YUNTIF FOR THEM!!
The Sems charge a ton, and then farm out the kids at the mercy of others who may or may not be up to it but are pressured into it. Those lucky enough to be handpicked by the teachers to join them with their fams - ok, the sem sponsors the food for the teachers so they are motivated.

The Sems should have the teachers fam stay at the sem on rotation to make yuntif with the girls.

Leaving the girls to figure it out by themselves, or sending them to fams (they claim they know these fam, not always true) is really dangerous, irresponsible and not the Jewish/Torah way. Trust me, Sarah Schenirer would not approve. Y'all close your eyes to this syndrome because its convenient to you and the sem. You say- these are adult girls they can handle it. but trust me most cant and shouldnt have to. The risks of harm are greater than the benefit and that you parents allow the sems to discard responsibility (under the guise of - if your dd cant handle this, they shouldnt be here... I.e. pressure) makes you culpable.

↑ Elfrida

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 10:55 pm

amother Vanilla wrote:

I recently listened to a podcast by Rabbi Orlofsky about seminary (it's about a year old) and he says the same thing about seminary starting after Sukkos.

Next year Rosh HaShana is at the beginning of October. Starting after Sukkot would mean starting at the beginning of November. Which also isn't ideal. It's hard to come up with a perfect system.