Chizuk - daughter rejected because of her size

amother

Blonde

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 12:09 am

And plenty of people get married skinny and gain lots of weight during marriage. (Like me).
So skinniness at marriage doesn’t mean being skinny forever.
So maybe it’s better for her to start off with someone who is weight-accepting.

amother

↑ NeonPurple

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 12:11 am

amother OP wrote:

I wish I can tell you
they actually told the shadchan
we had heard that she is on the fuller side but we weren't expecting to see a girl who has a weight issue. we consider this shiduch a downgrade because of our family status - but we wanted the girl based on the info - but if her looks don't match up - then we just need to turn this down
[a girl who is 5.5 tall and size 14-16!]

Their family status. What status is this? The bad middos status. What a rude thing to say, even to just the shadchan.

And if I understood correctly she was sitting outside your house?? Stalker tendencies clearly. It's good your daughter never got involved with this family.

Odelyah ↓

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 12:13 am

amother OP wrote:

Whoa OP if they really said that I'd be glad to know that upfront. because I would stay very far away from people who are so arrogant that they would think--and speak!-- that way. Downgrade? Family status? OMG who talks like that with zero shame? The shadchan did you a favor IMO. So you would understand what you were "missing". You should bentch gomel.

amother

↑ Carnation

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 12:18 am

amother OP wrote:

he told my husband 'I'm uncomfortable saying this but I thought it would be best to be open and honest with you'

It was a big favor that she told you. If not for this, you might have thought that the boy was actually turned off. It turns out that they just look down on anyone who weighs more than them. Those middos are not ones you really want in your family, even if your DD had dropped 30lb before shidduchim.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 12:21 am

amother Stonewash wrote:

Why would you reject a girl because of weight?

You are right stonewash

I am not exempt from absorbing society's messages

size 28 though isn't only a weight/appearance issue
it may point to
hidden health issues
lack of ability to control emotions only through food
low energy vitality
lack of interest in self-care

Please forgive

amother

Antiquewhite

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 4:00 am

Something that always bothers me is height. For those of us that aren't as tall, we don't have as much weight allowance. So although I might be overweight for my height, if I was just a little bit taller, I would be considered underweight.
Op, this family doesn't sound very accepting. I would be grateful they said no. And Hashem should send her bashert soon.
There's the classic one about the guy looking for a wife and he turns down one girl because she's slightly overweight. He goes on to marry a very skinny girl. And guess what, a few kids later his wife is actually much more overweight than the first girl.

amother

Dandelion

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 4:40 am

Funny thing is that until very recent history skinny girls were undesirable and being plump was quite the status symbol. It was considered attractive, and indicative of being a person of means.

In the times of the Gemara a kind of choker was worn to make the wearer appear to have a plumper neck.

Go figure.

ora_43

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 7:10 am

That's what makes dating/shidduchim brutal in some ways. Rejection is about the most personal things - appearance, weight, sense of humor, intelligence... All the things that no polite person would dare to criticize in daily life and suddenly it's all fair game.

Which is as it should be (since marriage is inherently personal), but it's still brutal.

But don't see this as, if she were skinny it would have worked out. Like, if I were Sara Ben-Artzi I would have married Binyamin Netanyahu, but - so what? I'm not her, and dude would have been way too old and machiavellian for the person I actually am.

Same here. If she were a different person, it might have worked with him, but she's not, and iy'H she'll meet her own bashert soon. (like others I've seen zero connection between weight and marriage, the unmarried and married people are equally likely to be of every body type. plenty of men find full-figured women attractive.)

amother

Crystal

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 7:23 am

amother OP wrote:

I kind of knew it can happen but now that it happenned my heart is just shattered
great shiduch
great boy
and they dont want daughter because she is a size 14-16
oh well
I guess they dont deserve her
but it does sting

Depending on her height, that's really not big. If she's fit, and puts her best foot forward as trying to be put together, she should feel confident that the right one will come along. I would be honored if it would be my son. One son is very slender and not to tall and doesn't want to feel overwhelmed. I don't pull shtick or try to talk him out of this.
Hatzlacha!

amother

Seablue

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 7:41 am

I feel very bad for your daughter. I feel bad to say this so bluntly but I feel it’s true.The reality is that losing weight should take precedence for a girl in shidduchim. If she is able to she should lose weight because boys generally speaking do not like overweight or thicker girls. If a girl is a normal weight things will be smoother with less nos
It’s just the reality of life. Can there be an exception yes. But is there a real reason your daughter can’t lose weight? There are many diets, nutritionists, apps, even Ozempic nowadays that can make dropping 25 lbs a doable project.

amother

Offwhite ↓

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 7:44 am

amother OP wrote:

Why would anyone tell the reason? That’s Terrible. They can just say it’s not shayach and not specify. That’s not okay I’m so sorry.

amother

↑ Offwhite ↓

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 7:48 am

amother Carnation wrote:

I don’t think it’s so appropriate to say why. What if he saw a picture and didn’t like her nose or something? He’s gonna say that’s the reason? Idk some things don’t need to be said imo. Only does more harm than good

amother

↑ Offwhite

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 7:49 am

amother Heather wrote:

What were they thinking?!!! Banging head

I set people up and I would NEVER say that. I literally just say it’s not shayach. Unless it’s a religious reason or something. But if it’s physical look I NEVER EVER specify.

amother

Winterberry ↓

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 8:10 am

amother OP wrote:

G-d knows how we tried to get her to watch her weight

Different people have different metabolisms
It is what it is
Don’t add to her stress
That just exacerbates the issue
Sorry they told you this was the reason

amother

Lime

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 8:22 am

Your daughter is only slightly overweight and I'm sure a very beautiful girl. It's so sad that she was rejected for this.

My brother is 5 foot 1. Not a single shadchan, girl, or parent has ever hesitated to say no because of height. Even the girls who are very short too. It's just stated bluntly without apology. They say Sorry he's too short.

Telling him that plenty of short boys find great wives is not really comforting right now. Or that many gedolim were short. He's a good guy but no gadol. And there is literally nothing he can do to control it. He just has to accept that his options are limited and to appreciate and seriously consider the girls who do say yes even if they aren't his first choice for very good reasons.
I'm so sad for him that no one cares about his feelings to at least pretend to have a different reason but in a way it's a bracha because knowing what the world is like helps him see that he must be open minded because most girls say no.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 8:24 am

amother Lime wrote:

I'm feeling that sting for him right now. I'm learning that this is just the way it is and that I need to protect my heart

amother

Cadetblue

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 8:28 am

I will just rephrase what most posters already said. OP this is just a filter to keep your daughter from a shidduch that is not for her. It's their loss. Hashem has something much better prepared for her already! IyH he should show up soon and they should have the clarity to recognize each other!

amother

Burntblack

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 9:06 am

The sad part is that so many times the boys themselves wouldn't have an issue with this size. It's not even heavy it's just not skinny.
Most times it's the boys mother that wants that skinny daughter in law.

PinkFridge ↓

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 9:07 am

amother Seablue wrote:

This makes me sad. This is not what Ozempic is for. For Ozempic to work, it has to be taken FOR LIFE.

If she can lose weight, sure, great. But it shoudn't be a fad, or anything not fully sustainable. If she's fit, and simply a size large, she deserves to feel good about who and where she's at.

And if anyone redts her a big boy, she deserves a big boy who's fit and put together.