Chizuk - daughter rejected because of her size

amother

Orange

Thu, Aug 03 2023, 11:03 pm

amother Poinsettia wrote:

This is such an old story about guys only wanting to date thin girls. People think its a recent mishigas.

I red a Shidduch in the 1970s to a professional guy in his 20s. The guy went out with the girl and got back to me after the first date saying:

"The problem with Suri, is that theres too much of Suri" (name changed). I was shocked. Its one thing to think it and another to say it.

I remember this til today, more than 40 years later.

She married very well. I have no idea where he is now, and who he married. I wonder.

Honestly, as a Shadchan, I see its been a widespread problem for many years.

Theres plenty of skinny stunning older singles.

Hashem is in charge.

I love the bolded line - I think I will use it on my husband... Hey, it's great, you get so much more of me Smile

amother

Linen

Thu, Aug 03 2023, 11:17 pm

amother OP wrote:

OMG of course we didnt tell her
she is suspecting it though because they asked for her photo..
and someone from work asked 'who is in a shiduch - someone's been sitting around in a car for a bit out here- seems they're looking for someone'

That's just creepy! Someone was actually sitting outside looking for your daughter at her workplace prior to any dates? Wow! Is that really a thing that happens often in shidduchim? Regardless of frequency, I wouldn't want my kids dating anyone who does that! That's terrible!

Op....you've dodged a bullet with this one.

I'm sure you tell your daughter she's beautiful and lovely. Keep saying it! She will find the right guy who loves her. This shidduch wasn't worth it!

amother

Seafoam

Thu, Aug 03 2023, 11:20 pm

Hey OP, I'm also a size 14-16 and married a guy who weighs about half of what I do now. He thinks I'm beautiful and a lot of other great things and that's why he married me. I actually was in shidduchim for a while but not for lack of guys bh, I dated many, it just never clicked until my husband. Her husband will come and I promise it's got nothing to do with the number on the scale or on her clothes. I promise you!! I want you to go tell her now that you know her husband will come and he will be amazing and so worth the wait. Because it's true!! Bkarov mamash!!

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Aug 03 2023, 11:22 pm

amen amen amen
every response is helping me feel a bit better
thank you so much
I've been beating myself up and thinking how I couldve prevented this
but now the voice within me that says 'it wasnt for her' is getting louder and stronger

amother

Chestnut

Thu, Aug 03 2023, 11:25 pm

Hugs to both of you. There's nothing more painful than being judged for and rejected for your body. I'm sure you are proud of her for her middos, intelligence, and kindness. I hope she finds someone worthy of her and that her parents bolster her confidence and self worth during the shidduch process and beyond.

amother

↑ Poinsettia ↓

Thu, Aug 03 2023, 11:36 pm

I compare notes with other Shadchanim, and this may not be the case with OP, but what infuriates us is when mothers of heavyset girls are shocked that less guys are interested, but they only consider thin girls for their own sons, they nix the heavyset girls.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Aug 03 2023, 11:38 pm

amother Heather wrote:

What were they thinking?!!! Banging head

I wish I can tell you
they actually told the shadchan
we had heard that she is on the fuller side but we weren't expecting to see a girl who has a weight issue. we consider this shiduch a downgrade because of our family status - but we wanted the girl based on the info - but if her looks don't match up - then we just need to turn this down
[a girl who is 5.5 tall and size 14-16!]

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Aug 03 2023, 11:40 pm

amother Poinsettia wrote:

I'm not shocked
I live in thinuniverse just like we all do
I'm just hurting - you know? kind of like when you get knocked over
and I gotta say - I have 5 sons and I never ever asked or rejected a girl due to size
but I may if she'd be size 28

amother

↑ Poinsettia ↓

Thu, Aug 03 2023, 11:45 pm

I remember sitting with a very popular health coach many many years ago in BP. She told me how quite a few women married to Ultra Chassidish men, come crying to her that their husbands threaten divorce if they dont lose weight.

So nothing surprises me.

amother

↑ Heather

Thu, Aug 03 2023, 11:51 pm

amother OP wrote:

And the shadchan repeated this because??????

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Aug 03 2023, 11:55 pm

amother Heather wrote:

And the shadchan repeated this because??????

he told my husband 'I'm uncomfortable saying this but I thought it would be best to be open and honest with you'

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Aug 03 2023, 11:55 pm

amother Poinsettia wrote:

amother

Stonewash

Thu, Aug 03 2023, 11:58 pm

amother OP wrote:

Why would you reject a girl because of weight?

amother

NeonPurple ↓

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 12:05 am

amother OP wrote:

I kind of knew it can happen but now that it happenned my heart is just shattered
great shiduch
great boy
and they dont want daughter because she is a size 14-16
oh well
I guess they dont deserve her
but it does sting

I am so sorry, can't believe they actually told you this! People are so unkind sometimes.

amother

Cappuccino

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 12:06 am

For that height that isn't really overweight. So she's not a stick. You will find someone better!! Whatever the rejection is about, it stings. I had a boy reject me after a few dates because he liked my looks but not my personality. That really stung because I thought I had a great personality. And I felt used too because the mature thing to do is to say no it's not for me if you think personality doesn't click.

amother

Bergamot

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 12:09 am

It's good to hear people's stories about getting married despite not being a "fashionable" dress size. I worry so much what's going to be with one of my dds.

She's going to seminary this year and then will be starting shidduchim IYH. I don't know what to do because she's been constantly gaining weight for the last few years and she doesn't seem to want to try to do anything about it. She should be in plus size clothing but instead what she does is squeeze into clothes that are way too small, and it looks so bad. Her clothes show bumps and bulges and every outline of her body. I don't think she has any idea how unflattering and not tznius they are.

I got a lot of advice from professionals over the years not to say anything, not to risk triggering an eating disorder or risk having her feel bad about herself, but why won't she try to eat healthy and exercise??? It's very hard as her mother to stand by and say nothing. I don't say anything though. I have my own body challenges but I try to make the most of what I have, I put in effort. Why doesn't she at least try? She's a size 18 and quickly moving into a size 20.