Strangers, please don't talk to kids!!

amother

↑ Moccasin ↓

Fri, May 19 2023, 11:16 am

amother Stonewash wrote:

Maybe this is why every now and then a thread pops about people in Lakewood not being friendly.... Sounds almost like a culture thing.

I grew up in a large OOT community and we were taught to be wary of strangers, but not to flat out ignore and be afraid. If a lady commented on anything, I'd just say "thanks!" and move on. If she pushed further in an unusual way, you bet I'd be careful.

I live in Lakewood and don't know anyone like OP

amother

↑ OP ↓

Fri, May 19 2023, 11:25 am

amother Thistle wrote:

OP my sister is Lakewood is like you. She teaches her kids that everyone is a dangerous stranger about to kidnap them. They are scared of their shadows. Not super healthy imho

I don't teach my kids that everyone is a dangerous stranger and my kids are not afraid of their own shadow bh.
This thread isn't about teaching kids about strangers. It's about adults talking to random kids.

amother

↑ Eggshell ↓

Fri, May 19 2023, 11:30 am

amother OP wrote:

You started with the premise that "we teach out kids not talk to strangers" which actually seems that most parents do NOT teach their kids.

Which suggests that most people have no issue with adults talking to 'random' kids.

( I do teach not to take lifts with strangers - so I wouldn't offer a 'random' kid a lift ).

amother

↑ OP ↓

Fri, May 19 2023, 11:44 am

amother Eggshell wrote:

No, I did not imply this. I simply meant that just like kids are taught about stranger danger, adults shouldn't approach random kids and talk to them.

Lydia ↓

Fri, May 19 2023, 11:47 am

I would like to suggest...helping kids learn to have friendly interactions, even conversations, with people they don't know can give them skills they need to differentiate which people are normal and which are giving off weird vibes or crossing boundaries. A lot of that teaching comes from kids watching parents interacting with "strangers" and feeling the vibes their parents give off when they, the kid, interacts with other adults too. This is a more proactive way of teaching safety than just telling your kids not to talk to strangers and getting all nervous when a stranger talks to your kid.

Knowing those vibes is really important because the "stranger" distinction is very vague. Neighbor from three doors down? Checkout lady at the grocery who gives out lollies? Guy around the block who takes a walk every afternoon by your house and waves? Teenage sibling's friend? Guy at shul who shakes everyone's hand and makes silly jokes every week? Bus driver? Neighbor friend's aunt who visits every few weeks and gives out ice pops to the kids hanging around? If you call all those people "strangers who you shouldn't talk to," you cut your kid off from lots of normal social interactions. If you don't teach them to be wary of boundary crossing in these situations, you are putting them in danger.

Beyond safety, though, doesn't that kind of friendly, social, pleasant, normal interaction between people make for a more pleasant, helpful, enjoyable world for everyone? Why deprive your kid of a bright, loving view of the world she lives in?

amother

↑ Eggshell ↓

Fri, May 19 2023, 11:47 am

amother OP wrote:

No, I did not imply this. I simply meant that just like kids are taught about stranger danger, adults shouldn't approach random kids and talk to them.

You didn't imply it - you said it outright.

right - kids are taught not to go with strangers, so strangers shouldn't try to take kids.

kids are taught not to take candy from strangers, so strangers shouldn't give random kids candy.

amother

↑ Moccasin ↓

Fri, May 19 2023, 11:51 am

amother Eggshell wrote:

right - kids are taught not to go with strangers, so strangers shouldn't try to take kids.

kids are taught not to take candy from strangers, so strangers shouldn't give random kids candy.

To be fair, strangers really shouldn’t give random kids candy. If that had been op’s psa then I would have understood.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Fri, May 19 2023, 11:52 am

Lydia wrote:

A strager is a random passersby on the street that basically doesn't fit any of the categories you mentioned.

amother

↑ Eggshell ↓

Fri, May 19 2023, 11:53 am

amother Moccasin wrote:

To be fair, strangers really shouldn’t give random kids candy. If that had been op’s psa then I would have understood.

Of course not. I'm not okay with my kid taking candy from a stranger - so I should not be okay giving candy to a kid I don't know. Seems obvious.

But I am okay with my kid giving directions - so why should there be an issue with me asking a kid for directions.

amother

↑ Moccasin ↓

Fri, May 19 2023, 11:57 am

amother Eggshell wrote:

I agree

↑ Lydia ↓

Fri, May 19 2023, 12:18 pm

Lydia wrote:

Knowing those vibes is really important because the "stranger" distinction is very vague. Neighbor from three doors down? Checkout lady at the grocery who gives out lollies? Guy around the block who takes a walk every afternoon by your house and waves? Teenage sibling's friend? Guy at shul who shakes everyone's hand and makes silly jokes every week? Bus driver? Neighbor friend's aunt who visits every few weeks and gives out ice pops to the kids hanging around? If you call all those people "strangers who you shouldn't talk to," you cut your kid off from lots of normal social interactions. If you don't teach them to be wary of boundary crossing in these situations, you are putting them in danger.

"A strager is a random passersby on the street that basically doesn't fit any of the categories you mentioned."

Right. That's my point. A kid might not think of these people as strangers because they are regularly showing up in their daily life. But for all practical purposes (as far as safety) they are strangers because neither the child nor parent knows much about them at all. And yet their familiarity to the child makes them seem safe to the child. That's the vague area where saying "don't talk to strangers" is not only unhelpful to to the kid's safety but also very confusing to a child.

amother

NeonPurple

Fri, May 19 2023, 1:01 pm

Here's something that happened in our family over Pesach. We were at a public park (OOT). My kids, all in chol hamoed clothes, really stood out. A lady there with her grandchild came over to my kids (age5-15) and was going on and on about how beautiful they were. Then, when I came over, she gushed about them some more to me. Then she looked at my oldest daughter specifically and said, "You are just so beautiful," and some more details about what she meant.

It was weird. My daughter felt uncomfortable. I felt uncomfortable.

But it was okay. We were in a park full of people. I was there together with my kids. We were able to talk later about that weird feeling they got. And how the lady crossed some boundary of propriety by being to over-the-top. And how if I hadn't been there, they should have been more proactive about moving away from her. And also about how she probably was completely safe but "off" in her social sense. Or just really lonely. Or missing her own little kids. And how they were safe, even if uncomfortable. Lots of people will make us uncomfortable. Kids need to learn how to handle themselves in those situations, to be polite but careful. Not be protected from them entirely.

amother

↑ Mintgreen ↓

Fri, May 19 2023, 2:31 pm

amother OP wrote:

Why? Why do you make small talk to kids and ask personal questions? I don't think that's necessary.
And a stranger being "frum" doesn't make them less of stranger, it's no different than non frum strangers.
I don't need my kids to be friendly with adults they don't know. Bh they're far from snobby and unfriendly. One has nothing to do with the other.
It's one thing to say to adults "hello, please, thank you, have a nice day...." and the like. An adult making small talk and asking personal questions, is a different thing.

Excuse me??
Why should I contribute to their fundraiser without knowing anything about them!

They should come to my door , ask for money & bye bye 👋? That is socially off.
I think your very paranoid.

I make them feel at ease.

Frum strangers are not different than non frum ?
Where do ya live ?

I bet yours the kids who in Jewish stores give the ‘frum stare’ to My SN child. I’ve had plenty of those.
Op you’re making me really upset

amother

↑ Mintgreen ↓

Fri, May 19 2023, 2:33 pm

amother Mintgreen wrote:

Frum strangers are not different than non frum ?
Where do ya live ?

I bet yours the kids who in Jewish stores give the ‘frum stare’ to My SN child. I’ve had plenty of those.
Op you’re making me really upset

↑ Genius

Fri, May 19 2023, 2:53 pm

amother Mintgreen wrote:

What’s a frum stare? And why would op’s kids be more inclined to do it than say, any other kid?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Fri, May 19 2023, 3:25 pm

amother Mintgreen wrote:

Huh? Can you please explain this post? I don't understand it.

amother

Sapphire

Fri, May 19 2023, 3:37 pm

I can't read all 8 pages but must add my own two cents.
We train our kids never to talk to strangers. And that strangers may seem nice. How is it helpful if a random adult will walk over to the same kid and compliment their beautiful project? That will just confuse the kid and normalize speaking to strangers. Yes a potential creep may do the same, start by complimenting the same thing. They don't invite A kid home at the first second....

amother

↑ Eggshell ↓

Fri, May 19 2023, 3:45 pm

amother Sapphire wrote:

If you are the type of person who tells kids never to talk to strangers - you are the type of person who doesn't want strangers talking to their children.

Children who don't receive that message - aren't confused by a stranger complimenting their art work.

These grooming scenarios don't really make sense to me.