Strangers, please don't talk to kids!!

↑ DrMom ↓

Thu, May 18 2023, 9:48 pm

amother OP wrote:

An adult isn't lost on the street. Especially an adult that has waze or gps. If an adult needs directions, they should approach an adult for help rather than kids.
Bh my kids aren't socially off. Just don't stop to chat with my kid about the school project they're holding, especially if they're obviously uncomfortable.

Persisting in a conversation with someone (of any age) who is obviously uncomfortable with you is never a good idea.

But your PSA telling adults to absolutely never talk to children is just weird. I would assume there is something a little off with a child who reacted the way yours did every time an adult spoke to her.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, May 18 2023, 9:49 pm

DrMom wrote:

Why should a random adult just approach a child to talk with them? My child reacted like this to a stranger that asked to see her school project. She walked away and didn't engage. I think it's a very good reaction.

sushilover

Thu, May 18 2023, 9:51 pm

I have never taught my kids not to talk to strangers.

I drilled in not to go anywhere with strangers.
I taught my very young ones not to talk to strangers when a family member or babysitter isn't with them (which wasn't relevant too often, as they were always supervised).
I taught my slightly older ones who were sometimes outside without me to never talk to strangers for more than a few seconds. "Hi. How are you? Thank you for taking the garbage! " type of chat. Anything more than that to say "my mother told me not to talk to strangers".
If they aren't old enough to understand the nuanced difference, they aren't old enough to be unsupervised for any amount of time.

I would consider it a failure in parenting if I taught my child to freeze up in fear and stare mutely every time a stranger asked a friendly question.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, May 18 2023, 9:54 pm

sushilover wrote:

They don't freeze in fear. They say "my mother told me not to talk to strangers", or say "one minute" and come get me.
Of course they say hi and thank you to the mailman, garbage collector, delivery guys.... but those people generally don't approach the kids to chat or ask them questions, especially when parents aren't around.

↑ DrMom ↓

Thu, May 18 2023, 9:55 pm

amother OP wrote:

Because children are people and people talk with each other sometimes.

What do you think would have happened if your daughter replied, "Thank you. It's a model of the Beit HaMikdash" (or whatever it was) or "Thanks, but I'd rather not show it to you now. I just want to get on my bus."

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, May 18 2023, 9:57 pm

DrMom wrote:

This is basically what she said as she turned away, but the women didn't let up and persisted with her questions and started touching the project to see it better.

amother

Wine

Thu, May 18 2023, 10:09 pm

I've often when away for shabbos asked the 8/9/10yo boys playing outside of shul where the entrance to the ezras nashim is. If there was a woman around, I would've asked her but I think it's a bit more socially off to just start wandering around the shul and opening doors.

Also my dh has regularly broken up fights or stopped unsupervised kids from doing dangerous or destructive things. (We live in a Lakewood development)

Neither of these scenarios make us creeps

WhatFor

Thu, May 18 2023, 10:12 pm

amother OP wrote:

You don't understand that creeps start out like this. By asking such questions. Why should any random adult approach my child to talk to them? For what reason?

Unfortunately, statistically children are more likely to be zxually abused by people they already know, including relatives, neighbors, friends' siblings or parents, or teachers.

Years ago, I went to an appointment in Boro Park, and then couldn't remember where the bus was when I got out. I asked a group of what looked like high school girls (or maybe junior high school girls) and they grabbed each other and ran away without responding. I realized I was wearing pants and maybe they didn't know I was Jewish, but if I didn't know the community, that looked like a totally socially off response to a woman asking which street the B11 ran down.

A different time, it was shabbat and I was walking through BP in a skirt, and a small child came up and asked if I could help her and her younger sibling cross the street. This was after Leiby Kletzky and remember thinking that that was a bad idea, even though of course I helped her. I think I noticed that someone who I assumed was her mother was watching from a window on the second floor, if that made it less bad?

Neither of these situations were appropriate, in my opinion. Girls who are over bat mitzvah should know how to say "it's on xyz street" or "I'm sorry, I don't know" without freaking out that the requester wants to hurt or murder them. Of course they should be taught to say, "No." with zero apologies if someone asks them to go somewhere with them, even to help them, and that predators may strike up faux friendly conversation to lure them into then asking them for a favor. But most kids these age are old enough to understand nuance.

And it goes without saying that if your particular teenager is not typical and is less likely to be able to say no, then okay, the simple don't talk to adult strangers may be better for them.

BatZion

Thu, May 18 2023, 10:12 pm

OP, I understand your fear. I really do. I think most of us do. It's a frightening world out there. But your words do sound a little extreme. I don't think it's normal to demand that adults don't talk to kids. You're living in a society that doesn't revolve around your paranoia (because, tbh it does sound like paranoia- and I'm saying that as a mum who is VERY aware of all the things you're talking about and does educate her children about it). The best you can do is teach your children to be safe. Not paranoid, safe. Unfortunately, we don't have control over every interaction our children have with the outside world. We can teach them, empower them and, before all of that, daven for their safety every day.

Chickensoupprof

Fri, May 19 2023, 12:41 am

Well, it's a bit of paranoia IMHO. And it's hard because indeed you can have as WhatFor said that u asked gently something and the girls ran away that is really rude! And I have heard stories like that. Like I've heard from a Dutch girl of Polish descent (not Jewish) she was in Antwerp and went into the bakery because she wanted a kind of cake her grandma made that she saw there. So she went in and she told me everyone acted nervous around her and whatever and well I had to reprogram her because it made her antisemitic, I have doubts about her story because before I was frum my mum and I went also to Antwerp in bakeries while wearing trousers and we were treated normal (but my mum looks super Jewish). But ey she asked me genuinely why Jews hate g-yim and do weird around them (and tbh this is also now very rampant in conspiracy Q-anon theories I see it all the time online).

AS being said zexual assault most of the time happens within family and friend circles, the victim knows the predator. Most of the people are good people who mean well. When I was a kid we had a playground few streets further and there people were watching, in the summer lots of kids were on our street playing at the edge of the forest and most of the time my mum was sitting outside knitting or doing some embroidery, the door was always open for kids to take a wee.

amother

Powderblue

Fri, May 19 2023, 1:36 am

amother Latte wrote:

I agree with you.
On the same note, how do parents allow their young 13-14-15 year old sons take hitches with any stranger just because they look frum.
I can’t for the life of me understand the concept of hitches and how parents are comfortable with it.

Someone where I live was and is still doing this and has molested tens of boys. Unfortunately no proof so can't open a police report. But parents, boys, and a rosh yeshiva went down to the station to try and open a file. It's a huge issues.

amother

Steelblue

Fri, May 19 2023, 3:47 am

WhatFor wrote:

I work in BP, and kids are always asking me to help them cross the street. Not sure what I think about this.. I mean, maybe the mother can’t always be available to cross them but you should also not send out your kids alone unless you trust them to cross the street themselves.

Once I was walking in BP and saw a bunch of kids playing with huge branches. There was a toddler with them and they almost hit her while I passed. I told them not to play with the branches around the baby.