"Hashem doesn't give you more than you can handle"

↑ ChossidMom ↓

Mon, Jul 07 2008, 12:41 am

Motek wrote:

ChossidMom wrote:

Anybody and Everybody may post on this topic. But when someone starts to quote Gemaras and sources it's a good idea to really understand the source and be able to explain it. I, personally, do not qualify as an expert in learning Gemara and do not go into lomdus issues, like some women on this site like to do. I am also not inclined to bother Mr. Chossidmom to pull out a gemara and learn it with me. It just seems to me that when quoting a gemara it's not enough to pull 10 words out of the book and paste them on Imamother. Just maybe it's doing the concept an injustice.
Just my opinion, of course.

What is the point in Anybody and Everybody expressing their feelings about a topic on Jewish hashkafa? Is that not doing the concept an injustice?

I'm just wondering why you question the usefulness in actually quoting a Torah source rather than questioning the usefulness of the entire discussion.

The discussion is totally valid and useful.

Quoting a Torah source is also valid, especially if you can actually explain what you are quoting.

Notice that most of the posters in this thread posted their opinions. You are the first poster (I think) to post a source and I think that when posting a source you should be able to back it up, I.e. explain it. I don't think that's asking too much. There are alot of quotes tossed around on imamother by various people who know sources. That's a great thing. It's even greater when people explain their sources. If I saw a biblical source I would have no problem checking out the Rashi or even a Ramban but I don't know how to learn Gemara and therefore am not capable of learning the meaning of the words posted here - not just the literal meaning. What it is intended to mean.

So, to sum up - Catonmylap - very interesting topic. Very valid and timely.
Motek - I still hold that people who quote sources should back them up in order to clarify.

HooRYou ↓

Mon, Jul 07 2008, 1:52 am

I think this issue is really 2 issues. The first issue is the truth of the statement that Hashem only sends a person what they can handle. I feel that is absolutely true. I can definitely look at certain periods of my life and I wonder how I got through them, but you know what I did and I am still here. A friend told me how their Rebbe has told them to do things at times she didn't think she could manage but it has built her into the person she is today for the better. Saying that Hashem is going to send you something you can't handle is kind of like saying that Hashgacha pratis is tailor made to each person according to her exact needs.

The second issue is the appropriateness of saying to someone in the deepest depths of a problem that its going to be fine since Hashem doesn't send people more than they can handle. Sometimes it is an appropriate response but often it is more appropriate to be a sympathetic listener and offer any real concrete help you can.

↑ mali

Mon, Jul 07 2008, 3:37 am

the term "bitachon" should only be used by a person about his/her own situation. you cannot shake your head and say "oh, well! hashem knows what He's doing" when another person has a tzora. that is a time that you must cry out and say, "hashem, have rachmonus and send him/her a yeshuah!".
the only time a person has a right to say, "hashem has His cheshbonos," is when tragedy hits home ch"v. that is a time when a person can display bitachon and acceptance of what Hashem is doing.

↑ catonmylap ↓

Mon, Jul 07 2008, 3:57 am

I fully agree that no one should ever say that about another person's situation.

My problem is when the term is used in a situation where the "problem" is because of decisions you made. I think when people take this term to say I'm a tzeddekes because I'm coping with this, it doesn't really work if you were part of the "cause." Or they are using this to justify their continuing to suffer.

I think when it is used wrong, it makes a mockery of the term, and instead of being something empowering, it becomes a "joke."

Quote:

I don't think Hashem says "she can't handle more kids, so I won't send anymore"

Sorry but I don't agree. When Hashem sends a miscarriage do we blame the mother ofcourse not Exclamation Shocked so when Hashem decides one women can have kids till fifty and another till late thirtys there must be a darn good reason as to why .
Lets not even try to figure G-D out all we should be doing is having Bitachon if He does something He means it for our good!!!!

I don't think Hashem's sends miscarriages because a woman can't handle more children. Many women have miscarriages before they ever have children. I believe only Hashem understands His ultimate plan, but I think a lot of the time, He lets nature take its course. If a woman who has 10 children already and is 35 years old, and goes off of birth control, odds are Hashem will send her another child whether she can handle it or not. She might see a natural slow-down which is typical as a woman gets older, but that will happen whether she has 10 children or has just gotten married and has only has 2 children...

Is it a lack of bitachon to go on birth control because Hashem won't send another child unless the mother can handle it? Or is it being realistic and understanding that Hashem expects us to use the technology that He has granted our generation?

↑ ChossidMom ↓

Mon, Jul 07 2008, 4:04 am

I have gone through 6 miscarriages, one of which happened before I had children. As awful as that first one was at the time, I was never sorry that it happened. One of the things that happened as a result of me going through these misses is that I became a much more sensitive person. I'm embarassed to say that I used to think it wasn't so terrible to have a "miss" because a woman could just have another baby (remember, this was a single girl's rationale). After having gone through the pain of loss (over and over again) I can today fully empathize with someone who has even one miss. And even if she already has kids and may have more.

My whole life, I always knew that God "knew" what He was doing and had a plan for me. Even as I watched as all my friends got married to great guys and had children and I stayed single. I never lost the faith that this was exactly what I needed in my life.

The challenges have not stopped yet even though I'm married B"H with kids. But I am sure that God will never give me more than I can handle. Even if I make certain decisions that have to do with my circumstances - these decisions were meant to be made and I made them with the tools that God gave me. I never wallow in guilt or regrets.

↑ ChossidMom

Mon, Jul 07 2008, 4:05 am

HooRYou wrote:

↑ HooRYou

Mon, Jul 07 2008, 4:58 am

catonmylap wrote:

My problem is when the term is used in a situation where the "problem" is because of decisions you made. I think when people take this term to say I'm a tzeddekes because I'm coping with this, it doesn't really work if you were part of the "cause." Or they are using this to justify their continuing to suffer.

What problems does a person knowingly bring on herself? Very few people know theya re marrying an abuser, for example. When a person finds themselves in any situation, either a pleasant one or an unpleasant one, they have to decide what they are going to do with it. A person can be in any kind of situation and either suffer or grow. A person should probably have guidance with the bigger issues to try and figure out what to do with the difficulties they encounter but the answer isn't always I quit and I want out whether it is babies or spouses. Since each situation really is individual who better would know what we really need but Hashem.

catonmylap wrote:

This is where we disagree. If you think the woman who really can't handle another child is being sent one by Hashem as a punishment for having bitachon that HE will take care of her and her family. As with any child Hashem has a very exacting cheshbon as to what that family and the neshoma HE is sending them needs. Maybe he is increasing the difficulties and complication in their lives but maybe they know something good will come out of it in the end.

Like many things there are times and places to use BC, but we also all probably know someone who got pg even while on BC. Someone who asks a proper shiale and listens to the psak has done the proper hishtadlus for her matzav. However she winds up afterwards it is in her own best interest and part of Hashem's plan.

↑ catonmylap

Mon, Jul 07 2008, 5:16 am

Code:

I don't think it's a punishment. I think it's misguided to not do our hishtadlus and then say it's because Hashem wants it to be this way. I think if you ask your Rav, you are "covered" so to speak. It's when you don't ask your Rav because Hashem will not give you more than you can handle... When the baby comes along when you are on birth control, I think it is extremely appropriate in that case to say that Hashem wanted you to have another (and Hashem doesn't give you more...)

When we are sick, most of us go to doctors, we don't just daven to Hashem to heal us. Again lack of bitachon or doing hishtadlus?

I do think this can really be a good inspiring sentence, and I'm glad that most of us see it that way. It just makes it less meaningful when it is used in certain contexts.

freidasima ↓

Mon, Jul 07 2008, 6:59 am

I have also heard the statement and do not accept it as a blanket statement.
First the shoa.

But even in "normal life"
I know (of) too many people where Hashem sent them much more than they could cope with.
They died.
They committed suicide.
They had a mental breakdown and are now in a closed ward and their children have been given to foster care, have gone off the derekh and one became a criminal.

I fully accept the statement that the Ribono shel olam has his own cheshbonos and we sure as heck don't fathom a lot of them.

ora_43 ↓

Mon, Jul 07 2008, 7:53 am

friedasima--
Just because someone could handle the challenge doesn't mean they will... I don't think Hashem forces anyone to commit suicide, for example. I believe they had an option not to.

However, I also think we need to reevaluate what it means to "handle" something. Usually if we say "I can handle it" we mean "this is no big deal." When it comes to "Hashem never sends us more than we can handle," "handle" means something very very different, not that it will be no big deal.

If someone ch"v is paraplegic, then "handling" the situation doesn't mean walking around again, it means learning to continue life and even enjoy life despite the hardship. Similarly, if someone is suffering from mental illness, "handling" doesn't necessarily mean recovery. Am I making any sense? So if someone is mentally ill and their family suffers as a consequence, even that doesn't necessarily mean they couldn't handle their problems, just that we don't know what Hashem wants from them in that situation... maybe they're "handling" exactly the way He wanted...

hadasa

Mon, Jul 07 2008, 8:05 am

If a woman has the Bitachon to say "Hashem will give me the strength to handle as many kids as He wants to give me", then, in MOST cases, she WILL have the strength to handle them. The Emunah and Bitachon itself is what gives the strength.

I'm not denying that there are some cases where a woman is simply ignoring physical or psychological signs that she really should not have children at the present time. And perhaps this woman's Nisayon is to accept with Bitachon the fact that she has to drop her preconceived notions about BC because of the Mitzvah of VeNishmartem.

But Bitachon does play a very important role in making the decision against birth control for financial or psychological reasons. If a women feels unquestionably that she CAN handle as many children as Hashem gives her, why would she need to ask a Rav Confused

yentaof8 ↓

Mon, Jul 07 2008, 8:32 am

When my son was in a serious car accident a few years ago and was in the ICU and some stupid resident said "This may be as good as it gets" I burst out crying and davened to Hashem - this can't be. There's no way I'm going to handle anything less than a full recovery. Hashem must have realized this because we saw miracle upon miracle in his recovery and Boruch Hashem while we got through a very difficult time it was only because we weren't tested with worse circumstances. This whole episode definitely strengthened our emunah in Hashem because there was no other way my son was going to be okay. My point is, when faced with challenges, the only coping mechanism I know is to daven for salvation and believe with a full heart that your prayers will be answered. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't thank Hashem for saying "Yes".

Petra

Wed, Jul 16 2008, 8:56 am

Sometimes I have a hard time with such statements because at times life on earth seems so arbitrary (unless you think of the deeper purpose of life) especially when you think of tragedy and pain that some are forced to live through. Life on earth is an exercise for the purpose of elevating the neshama and Olam Haba, no? So maybe there will come a time that Hashem will give us more than we can handle. What if one were an Auschwitz prisoner in 1943? The quoted statement is not universal but useful for some people some of the time.