Beautiful child 'show stopper' need help here.

amother ↓

Thu, Jun 26 2008, 10:28 am

My daughter who is five yrs old is geting stoppped all the time and so are we her parents commnet like 'she is so pretty' or 'she will be a heartbreaker one day' or when we took her recntly to the hospital for her coaugh which b"h that was all it was Both Dr and nurses commneted about how gorgous she is. Imho if you ask me as a mother I personally don't think she is Miss universe and yes I do love her. But all my feelings about her looks aside how and what should I do about peoples comments aside cutting her gorgaous hair very short like a crew cut and covering her beautiful eyes and lashes.

Personally once in awhile it's flattering even for me her mother but the whole time it's already starting to be worrisome .

Ever since she has turned 1yrs the comments have come????????

Whatever advice you can give I'd appreciate BUt Please do not tell me to cover her in a burka ..................

mommalah

Thu, Jun 26 2008, 10:40 am

You can't stop the comments. She looks as she looks. I think that you as her mother should take the necessary steps to keep her obvious beauty from going to her head, to ensure that she doesn't think that that's where her value comes from. Let her know that hashem has made her beautiful but that that is not important. Explain to her that her value comes from the type of person she is. What is important is that she be a baalas chessed , kind, caring, helpful etc... Explain to her that beauty fades, but being a good person doesn't.

↑ amother ↓

Thu, Jun 26 2008, 10:51 am

op here I'd agree with that amother however if weare in room with other kids or a playground we still get stopped I mean I do dress her nicely for shabbos but weekday is no difffernt then any other frum kid.
Mammaala good advice I need to work out how to implement it though. Interesting this child is so not into brushing her hair or girlish stuff, I truly wonder sometimes..................

↑ amother ↓

Thu, Jun 26 2008, 11:12 am

I have the same issue with my older daughter. I work extra hard to help her internalize that real beauty comes from the inside.

I am bothered a lot because my younger daughter is of average looks and when we are out together I have strangers often stop to comment on the older's beauty and they don't say a word about my younger one. I am scared she will get a complex as she gets older.

Shimmysmom

Thu, Jun 26 2008, 11:13 am

am I the only one who doesn't understand the question? B"H she is beautiful. why would you want to cut her hair and the other things u suggested???
I get comments on my dd all the time as well and it doesn't phase me at all. I just smile, say thank you and move on. I'm happy that she's beautiful!

su7kids

Thu, Jun 26 2008, 11:15 am

I am blessed with children with gorgeous eyes, BIG BLUE ones, and I taught them from a very young age that when someone pays a compliment, they say "thank you", but to themselves they thank Hashem for making them that way.

I learned from a friend of mine that it is very superficial to compliment a child on something they have NO SAY in and didn't make happen.

Hashem made her look like she does, she did absolutely NOTHING to make herself that way. So, when someone makes a comment, you can say, and teach her to say "Baruch Hashem, thank you" and if it goes into a conversation, it can be "how grateful we are to Hashem for mkaing her this way".

It is quite important, in my opinion, that kids also learn to praise themselves and be proud of themselves for things they did, not for things they had no control over.

Clarissa

Thu, Jun 26 2008, 11:22 am

I have one kid who was a very early talker, extremely articulate. Wherever we went, when people heard him speak, they'd comment. I didn't love him hearing people saying, again and again, "He's so smart." I want him to be confident, but I don't want him to think that this is what is most valued by others, and I also didn't want his ego to get unhealthy boosting. So I'd say, "Thank you, he loves to talk, and he's a really nice boy." My younger one gets a lot of comments on his looks and I say, "Thank you, it is such a great age," or, "he's a sweetie," something like that. I just don't want my children to absorb this stuff and think that what is valuable are the kinds of things that elicit comments from strangers. I compliment them on the things I deem important, like kindness.

Something else -- at a certain point, a lot of this changes. The kids who weren't the prettiest blossom physically or emotionally, the kids who were late talkers become the big talkers, the kids who didn't shine as little kids show how special they are. Some of it levels off. The kids who garner all of the flattery will need to rely on other aspects of themselves, and it's best that they be taught what to cultivate to reach one's potential, like trying, sharing, appreciating, being considerate, having fun, learning, etc. So I think it's fine to enjoy the appreciation, but it's important to let our kids know what we value in them.

Last edited by Clarissa on Thu, Jun 26 2008, 11:24 am; edited 1 time in total

mumoo

Thu, Jun 26 2008, 11:22 am

I also have a stunner (14 years old) and was myself singled out when younger. For me it was a problem as I subconsciously learned that my worth was wrapped up in my looks. When they started to desert me, I had a very hard time of it (am still having a hard time, a little).

I try very hard to answer comments from people (aunts, teachers, neighbors as well as strangers) by saying "and she is also very sweet (or smart, or kind or creative).

I also discuss inner beauty with dd. B'H, she has plenty of this as well.

I do worry. I had a lengthy conversation about this recently with friends. Other than acquiring (and keeping) a husband, really what good is physical beauty? Doesn't it just detract from inner strengths as people can't get past the outside?

Fox

Thu, Jun 26 2008, 11:28 am

amother wrote:

I do dress her nicely for shabbos but weekday is no difffernt then any other frum kid.

Two thoughts:

First, I think that sometimes frum kids -- especially girls -- get more attention or stand out more because they wear dresses and are generally "dressed up" even on a weekday more than children in the secular world. Whether you're talking about a Chassidishe girl with braids and a tailored skirt and blouse or a more modernish girl wearing a denim skirt and coordinated top, they tend to be more appealing than kids in tight jeans and message-imprinted t-shirts.

Second, kids go through phases in their appearance. Sometimes the "show-stopping" five-year-olds become the average 13-year-olds, and a drab kindergartener turns into a butterfly! I've seen this with my own kids as well as other people's kids, and it's just a good reminder that Hashem controls everything!

↑ amother ↓

Thu, Jun 26 2008, 12:52 pm

Quote:

Is it an ayin harah issue?

op again.
See thats my concern amongst other things. true we don't have an ugly family,Also I have an older son and middle son who since they was little till now very late teens has been called a lot of things ranging from handsome, to face of a girl but body wrong for it, should consider modeling or if all else fails work wise be an actor c"v.

Yes some of it has gone to one of my sons head though I tried perhaps too hard then , a beard would help diminish it it guess. The other thinks it's actually insulrting to be commneted on in that fashion and wished they would discuss how much gemara and mishnayos he accomplishes instead.

So now I have this daughter who does have an older one who is cute personality and quite talented which the younger one is not but does not recieve commnets like this one. I hate too when we go somewherre they see her with friends or siblings ans still single her out. How callous can people be?

Summary- no dear G-d I am not complaining but trying to work out what to do

1. Ayin Hora.
2. Sibling jealousy.
3. (Which alot of you have answerd) Getting to her head

peach

Thu, Jun 26 2008, 2:44 pm

su7kids, I really like what you wrote.

Sibling jealousy can be a huge thing. I know someone who had three little girls, one of which was much prettier (by textbook standards) than the others. People would always stop her and tell her how beautiful she is, in front of the other girls!!! Don't they realize that the girls are listening and how do you think they feel? The mother would always respond with a compliment to each of the girls "She is very helpful, and did you know that so-and-so is very creative, so-and-so is our quick cleaner-upper, etc." That helped give the kids some feeling of self-worth and also showed the other adult what they were doing.

I also want to echo what many others said, about praising your child for things that he/she worked on, for a project they put effort into, for getting a good grade they studied hard for, for improving in something, etc. Getting praised for looks may make the child feel good in the short-term, but will not help his/her self-esteem in the long run. Being complimented on things that took effort and self-control will help a child recognize his/her value much more.

flowerpower

Mon, Jun 30 2008, 8:25 pm

I kwum. Ds was a stunner when he was a baby. Strangers used to stop me all the time. I just smiled and had to think of something to answer them. Now I keep getting comments like "how did she get so dark, did she go to florida" Dd has no clue what they ask so she just nods yes with her head. One day these things change. You can keep telling your dd that what matters most by us is the inside if we have fine middos.

Tehilla

Tue, Jul 01 2008, 4:38 pm

louche wrote:

It's neither a compliment nor an insult. Most people simply assume that a toddler with a ponytail is a girl, just as they assume that an infant in a pink outfit is a girl. Most of the time they're right.

I was once embarrassed when someone pointed to my oldest child, who was around 18 months at the time and had a head of golden curls. she was wearing feminine clothes and looked feminine to everyone...I thought...till I saw a rabbi sitting at a table in a pizza shop with some non-observant people explaining that my son had hair until the upshernish. embarrassed