S/O- Is it really so bad to “bribe” your kid’s teachers?

amother

OP ↓

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 7:41 pm

I give my children’s teachers/rebbis checks ($100-$200) and a sincere handwritten thank you note a few times a year, generally for Sukkos, Chanuka, and Purim. I’ll freely admit that, aside for showing my gratitude, my main incentive is to “bribe” the teachers. My kids don’t have any serious special needs but they need special attention from time to time, as do most children.

I’ve seen some posters on here being angry about parents who “bribe” teachers. Is there something so wrong with intentionally making the teacher feel valued and appreciated for giving of themself to my child? I truly do appreciate them and all the energy they put into my children. Should I not show my appreciation simply because it can be looked at as a “bribe”? And, am I wrong for thinking that giving them a check and thank you note will perhaps give them a little bit more patience when dealing with my child every day?

Edit: Just want to add that BH this is something we can afford without it impacting our finances. We are grateful for that and truly do feel that giving to our kid’s teachers is an excellent use of our money.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 7:47 pm

amother Lemonlime wrote:

Bribery is bribery. And what happens to the kid, no less in need of extra attention, whose parents cannot afford to bribe the teachers?

But the general consensus on here seems to be that it’s wrong not to give teachers tips. If so, are all these parents “bribing”? And, why should I not show my appreciation (and maybe benefit from it if that happens) simply because another child can’t afford to? Does that mean that no one should be showing their appreciation monetarily to teachers?

amother

Chestnut ↓

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 7:48 pm

amother OP wrote:

Basically all teachers outside of this small pocket do not get cash gifts from parents. They get mugs.

cupcake123 ↓

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 7:51 pm

I freely admit to bribing. I will randomly give the teachers fruit platters and give generous amounts purim , chanukah...
The way I see it let's say total all the bribing costs me $300 a year per kid. That's a LOT cheaper then therapy.

amother

Starflower

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 7:54 pm

I always tipped the rebbeim as a token of my Hakaras hatov.
My brother told me he gives $100 every Rosh Chodesh and he gives crazy amounts on Purim and Chanuka . He’s not rich. He claims that rebbeim take care of your child better if you do this . Interestingly, his kids are constantly punished and kicked out of class. I’ve never experienced that before . Yet he feels like his kids get “better treatment”…I don’t know. I think he is insecure . He said he will never forget when the rich kids gave tips , those kids got away with trouble all the time. He the poor kid , was mistreated all the time and he wants his kids to be liked by their rebbeim. I found this picture so sad.
He also thinks I’m wrong that I don’t tip every Rosh Chodesh . He thinks I’m doing wrong to my children.

amother

Bluebonnet ↓

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 8:00 pm

There are rules against bribery in the torah for a reason. Yes it's wrong because it harms the people who can't afford it. If tips were given anonymously, I wonder how many of the righteous women here screaming about showing appreciation, would be giving the same amount that they give non anonymously.

amother

Pewter ↓

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 8:02 pm

I know ppl who prioritized giving money to their kids rebbeim
I think it's beautiful if you are able and e1 is motivated by appreciation
Having been a teacher I appreciated a small chocolate if that's what they could give

amother

Black

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 8:04 pm

cupcake123 wrote:

This makes no sense. What kind of therapy does you kid need that would be eliminated by bribing the teachers

amother

Gray ↓

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 8:05 pm

It gives you a really unfair advantage over the kids from poor homes. It really should be abolished to save people the embarrassment, stress and mistreatment from teachers based on it.

↑ cupcake123 ↓

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 8:08 pm

amother Black wrote:

This makes no sense. What kind of therapy does you kid need that would be eliminated by bribing the teachers

Well I get calls. Your kid needs a shadow, your kid needs social skills, your kid needs OT. Sometimes they're right and then obviously I'll get them the help they need. But sometimes for example shadow they don't need they just need better systems that require more effort and attention on the part of the rebbie. Fruit platters help.

amother

↑ Pewter ↓

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 8:09 pm

amother Gray wrote:

It gives you a really unfair advantage over the kids from poor homes. It really should be abolished to save people the embarrassment, stress and mistreatment from teachers based on it.

I would never mistreat a child from a poor home chv!
Does appreciation have a positive effect?
It does and that's okay

amother

↑ Bluebonnet ↓

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 8:10 pm

amother [b]Pewter wrote:

I know ppl who prioritized giving money to their kids rebbeim[/b]
I think it's beautiful if you are able and e1 is motivated by appreciation
Having been a teacher I appreciated a small chocolate if that's what they could give

What does this even mean? I pay full tuition. I shouldn't give my kids things they need or buy my family food so I can give money to the rebbe? How does this even makes sense? There are people who literally struggle to buy food why should they feel bad they can't give money to the rebbe. The rebbe gets paid too. How do we even know every rebbe needs the money more than we do? The rebbeim get chasdei lev for pesach which gives them food at 1/3 of the price. Most people don't have access to such discounts. Maybe people who deprive their family of food to give money to the rebbe aren't being as righteous as they think. Who knows.

amother

↑ Bluebonnet ↓

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 8:10 pm

cupcake123 wrote:

This is really sad to hear.

amother

↑ Chestnut ↓

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 8:14 pm

amother Pewter wrote:

And if the same family clearly has the means to buy you a chocolate platter - would then not appreciate a token small chocolate?

It doesn't end.

No people should not 'give what they can' - because they can. The teachers work for the menahel, not the parents.

amother

Broom

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 8:14 pm

I don't think most teachers treat kids better if they get gifts, but I do think they'd have more patience for the parents should there be an extra need.
Saying not to give bec poor ppl suffer is like saying I can't buy nicer clothes & wear it to make a better impression, spend more on tutors giving someone a leg up over other kids, or hv private lessons, making a college applicant more well rounded etc.

↑ cupcake123 ↓

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 8:15 pm

amother Bluebonnet wrote:

This is really sad to hear.

Why?
Figure a rebbie has 30 kids in a class. One kid is driving him crazy, acting chutzpadig, bothering others... his choices are to recommend a shadow or maybe implement a system that will take a lot of time and emotional/physical energy from him. I don't think this means he's a bad rebbie it's just a fact of life you will do more for the people that recognize and appreciate your efforts.

amother

↑ Pewter ↓

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 8:15 pm

I said if you're able...
But I don't see why teachers and rebbeim who usually put in effort way more than they are paid, shouldn't benefit in this way. I don't see it as bribery and wouldn't favor a child whose parents can afford more, but appreciation is beautiful

amother

↑ Gray ↓

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 8:16 pm

cupcake123 wrote:

That’s odd. If your kid needs help they should get the hall and if they don’t why are they calling? And really a fruit platter makes them stop? How desperate are they?