Yizkor if both parents alive

dena613 ↓

Sun, Jul 03 2022, 8:53 pm

Do people who lost, say a child or sibling, lo aleinu, say yizkor if their parents are alive?

Asking because I always see someone go to yizkor and think Both parents are hers (maybe they aren't).

LittleDucky

Sun, Jul 03 2022, 9:09 pm

I was always taught that no, one doesnt say yizkor if both parents are alive even if another close relative (that one would say yizkor for) dies. When CV a parent dies then they say it for both individuals.
At the same time, someone I know says it when both of their parents are alive. So if this CV pertains to you- ask your LOR.
And my thoughts on things like minhagim over kaddish, yizkor etc- let each person deal with their loss how they need to. I dont judge and if I see something odd or unusual- I just assume they asked their own shailas. Mourning is very personal and painful.

fleetwood

Sun, Jul 03 2022, 9:13 pm

My mom didn't say yizkor for my dad until she lost a parent. I said yizkor for about 20 years till my mom had to say it.

essie14

Sun, Jul 03 2022, 10:36 pm

fleetwood wrote:

My mom didn't say yizkor for my dad until she lost a parent. I said yizkor for about 20 years till my mom had to say it.

Yup. I say yizkor for my father and my stepkids say yizkor for their mother so DH is the only family member that leaves shul. People are so used to me being their mom that they always forget and my stepkids get strange looks and then people remember.

L25

Sun, Jul 03 2022, 10:39 pm

fleetwood wrote:

My mom didn't say yizkor for my dad until she lost a parent. I said yizkor for about 20 years till my mom had to say it.

same. my father died when I was young and my mother didn't say yizkor for many years because her parents were still alive.

questionanswer

Sun, Jul 03 2022, 11:02 pm

essie14 wrote:

I'm willing to bet that this is the case w op friend. Quite possibly one of her "parents" is really a step.

lkwdgirl

Mon, Jul 04 2022, 12:30 am

Unfortunately I have started saying yizkor a few years ago. I’m not understanding something. If one chas vshalom lost a child they don’t say yizkor for the child if they have their parents? The neshama deserves a yizkor. No?

tichellady

Mon, Jul 04 2022, 12:38 am

I stay even though I have not lost family members. I say for holocaust victims and fallen Israeli soldiers. This is what my rabbi taught me to do

GLUE

Mon, Jul 04 2022, 12:55 am

lkwdgirl wrote:

I was told not to say Yizkor for my son because both my parents are B"H still alive

imamothertoo

Mon, Jul 04 2022, 1:52 am

I don’t think one is supposed to say yizkor if they have both living parents. They can ask one of their parents( meaning the child’s grandparents) or a friend who doesn’t have a living parent to say yizkor on their behalf when they r anyway saying it for their own parent.

Chickensoupprof ↓

Mon, Jul 04 2022, 3:33 am

Dh wants but our rav said no, he was incredibly sad about this. The rav says that giving tzedakka iliuy neshama is the same level as yizkor

Iymnok

Mon, Jul 04 2022, 3:49 am

Chickensoupprof wrote:

Dh wants but our rav said no, he was incredibly sad about this. The rav says that giving tzedakka iliuy neshama is the same level as yizkor

That really is what it’s for. To pledge to give tzedaka.
Kaddish for the first year and on the yahrtzeit do more for the Neshama.

lkwdlady

Mon, Jul 04 2022, 4:15 am

At first I was reading this and I was astounded. How could someone lose a child or a sibling and not say yizkor?? I really never heard of this. BH I was never in this position. Now that I’m thinking about it, I say yizkor for a parent and honestly it’s one small paragraph. It really does make sense to do something l’illui nishmas the neshama. It’s more meaningful than only saying a paragraph. The small paragraph says that in the zechus of giving tzedaka bli neder, the neshama of so and so Ben/bas so and so should go to a higher place in gan eden.

↑ dena613

Mon, Jul 04 2022, 8:35 am

Yes, so I was also thinking maybe her parents aren't really both her natural parents.
Or maybe she lost someone else chas veshalom and is saying yizkor based on her psak.I

Don't worry! I'm not going to ask her. Was just wondering

chanchy123

Mon, Jul 04 2022, 8:49 am

lkwdgirl wrote:

I’m not sure about yizkor, but there is a minhag that people with two live parents don’t say Kaddish, I know a couple who lost a child, and the grandfathers said kaddish for him, I wonder if there is a similar allowance for grandchildren.

snailmail

Tue, Nov 15 2022, 5:01 pm

The reason not to say yizkor during the first year (I know its a minhag, so maybe some people do say it), is that the loss is still fresh and you dont need a reminder (yizkor) that you lost a parent. I am guessing that it is similar for the loss of a child - you dont need that reminder, just give tzedoka for their neshoma.

↑ Chickensoupprof

Tue, Nov 15 2022, 5:35 pm

chanchy123 wrote:

DH wanted to say kaddish or Rav told that it's allowed if his parents gave permission DH got the permission but he doesn't do it anymore because it was too hard for him. I think if u lo aleinu lost a child and still have parents u should ask a sheila.

kenz

Tue, Nov 15 2022, 6:53 pm

When we lost a child our fathers said Kaddish for him for the year. We do not say Yizkor (bH we have parents). I’m sure our parents include our child in their Yizkor. It never bothered me, I was grateful to still have parents.

shanie5

Tue, Nov 15 2022, 8:13 pm

DH lost a sister when he was young. They were not shomer shabbos. When DH became frum he asked his mother if she was going to shul to say yizkor. His mom replied "No, can you say it for me". So DH asked his rov and was told he should if t was ok with his father as well. So DH asked his dad and he was fine with it. So DH says yizkor for his sister and bh still has both parents.

BUT if either of his parents become frum he would have to have the discussion again.

momsrus

Tue, Nov 15 2022, 9:13 pm

lkwdgirl wrote:

A child’s death you don’t forget. You said yiskor to “remember” parents.

Same reason you mourn a parent for a year.