children testing me...and I am going nutz!!

Mitzvahmom ↓

Sat, Apr 05 2008, 10:24 pm

This shabbos my kids were testing me so badly, because I was sick with a stomach ache...

B"H they were ok, until it got warm...and then they started freaking out and fighting and going nutz! At one point they said can we have something cold... the only thing I could find was ice pops..

My youngest started to have a fit..

So I tried my calm technique "oh you sound angry, and I wish I had the powers to change it to something else."

He giggled at first and then ran off to play..

two min later he tried again, "crying that he was hot and did not want an icy pop..

Once again I said I wish I had something else to give you.

It did nto work this time he he started throwing things. I left the room and went into another room and he started throwing things in the kitchen. Now I had stayed calm until then, but I was so upset at the mess I picked him up and put him in his room and closed the door. B"H he calmed down and I made him help me clean up the mess and he said he was sorry.

about an hour later my daughter started instigating the boys, poking and saying she di dnot do anything... I tried to calmly ask her to stop and said if she's really that bored she can pick up the mess that she made. She stuck out her tongue and said make me.

at that point I was so tired, I just laid down and ignored it.. Of course she took it as a ticket to pick on the boys continuously until they screamed and I could not avoid getting involved. So I patched her (and I don ot like hitting), but I was soo tired!! She hit me back! I was soo mad, but I walked away.

I came back later and said, we are goign to NY tomorrow, but because your your behavior your not getting a treat and nor is your brother for his behavior. she cried, and I said maybe if you prove to me that your a tzadekis tomorrow (I.e. no fighting instigating etc..) I might reconsider.

She hugged me and said night.. I did the same thing with the boys.

But I am sooooooo exhausted Sad

amother

Sun, Apr 06 2008, 12:17 am

Oy MM, I'm sorry to hear about what happened with the kids. I have to tell you, I was very impressed by how you handled your son, I really though you took charge of the situation, acknowledged his feelings and apologized for not having a different option. I am guessing based on a couple other threads that they are testing you because they are going through a tough time. So please take this as a friendly reminder and not critisim, but I think that the situation with your daughter got a bit out of hand.

This comes from someone who had a very, very tough childhood, so please keep that in mind. (reason I'm amother) I don't think patching your daughter is a solution, ever, even when she's 100% wrong and out of control. I think (again not attacking) it was sinking down to her level. I would say, "Shaindy, this isn't the behavior I expect from you, and I'm disappointed." "Do you remember we are going to NY tomorrow? Well, I'd like to treat you like a lady there, but all I have to go on is your behavior, would you like to rethink it?" I'm not sure if you mentioned her age, so I'm sorry if you have, but obviously that can be adjusted based on her age. You can refer to her as your helper or even as a special friend, whose help you need. Maybe, if she's old enough or mature enough take her out for tea, manicure, something "adult" and explain that you are going through a hard time, and you need her to help, and this is what she can do.

I would recommend (depending on age) a mitzvah chart or a cause and effect type of thing, make sure she knows there are consequences for her actions, so she thinks about it before starting up with the boys. But as wrong as she was for hitting you back (and she was) you too were wrong to do so to her. I know things are tough right now, and you are having a tough time, but children need to feel safe at home. And those that don't, it haunts them for the rest of their lives. I'm not saying this will happen, but it can, I know from experience, and I think that there are better ways to handle things. Hope my ideas help a bit. I'm sure once you've calmed down you'll feel bad, it makes for a good opportunity to have a special talk with your daughter at the bagel shop or bakery to smooth things over. It is ok to tell her what she did, is never ok and it will never happen again, it is unacceptable. You'll make a deal with her, you won't "patch" her anymore and she'll never ever do it to ANYONE ever again. Hatzlacha I hope this helps. Let me know if you need any more ideas or anything.

mimivan

Sun, Apr 06 2008, 12:22 am

Yes...I don't know why kids decide to act up when mommy is sick (happens to me too) but you did the right thing, and I hope I can learn from it. It is much better to let go when sick than to react in the wrong way (I am really talking to myself...) I used to holler when sick and that only made it worse (myself and the kids behavior) so b'h for your self control and ability to deal with it effectively when you felt better...Also while you were feeling bad you were doing all the right things too

kol ha kavod!

↑ Mitzvahmom

Sun, Apr 06 2008, 10:25 am

well my kids are upset again...today..

The person we were supposed to go with got sick... I cannot drive my van to NY two times in one month.. So, there's a chance we might not go now today.

My youngest started screaming that he hates me...etc.. If he would calm down we could walk to the library or something.. But I am not going to talk to him while he has a fit.. I told him if he wants me tolisten he has to calm down. So now he's pouting in his room.

B"H I am feeling a bit better, it's this warm murky weather changing back and forth uknow?