Privacy- where has it gone?

b.chadash ↓

Thu, Jun 24 2021, 6:52 pm

I just want to share a quick thought I heard many years ago from R' Mattisyahu Solomon.
I think about it each year when it comes to Parashas Balak.

One of the blessings Billam says is "Ma Tovu Ohalecha Yaakov." How good are your tents Yaakov.

Rashi famously says that Billam saw that the tents were situated with the openings not facing each other so that people shouldn't be able to look into their neighbors' tents.

R' Solomon pointed out that generally, we close our shades at night because we want to protect our privacy. We keep our door closed because it's no one's business what happens in our homes. The purpose of window shades and doors are so that no one can look into our houses.

If you look at the precise words that Rashi uses, you can see he says the tents were set up this way "so that no one can look into his FRIEND'S house." Meaning, I don't care about my own privacy so much, but I don't want to chas veshalom breach someone else's privacy. The main focus was on protecting the next person's privacy, not my own.

I think about this often, because this shiur was given over 25 years ago. So much has changed since then.

In the last decade or so, the concept of privacy is basically out the window. People don't care about their own privacy anymore, everything is revealed. If we don't even appreciate the idea of our own privacy, it's hard to appreciate that we need to protect the next person's privacy.

I think privacy is a lost commodity.

jkl

Thu, Jun 24 2021, 6:54 pm

b.chadash wrote:

Look at the way we build homes in our communities. It's the opposite of "Ma Tovu Ohalecha Yaakov."

BrisketBoss ↓

Thu, Jun 24 2021, 6:55 pm

Are we talking about Instagram again?

LOL

dankbar

Thu, Jun 24 2021, 11:29 pm

I live in a development built by heimishe yidden, but every window is facing my neighbor's, across the alley. Front door straight aligned with neighbor looking straight into the plate etc.

My shades are always closed. What use do I have of the windows. With my old alley neighbor, the shade thing was like a dance. When mine went up, hers went down. She used to wake earlier, and pull up all shades, till I decided I can also use light. Thing is she had a double shade in kitchen, one hung from top & one from middle

member

Thu, Jun 24 2021, 11:44 pm

Yes it’s crazy. Unfortunately some people put literally their entire lives on Instagram

BatyaEsther

Fri, Jun 25 2021, 12:45 am

Thank you for sharing that beautiful dvar Torah. It is so true and such an important point. I will share it with my family at the Shabbos table. Have a wonderful Shabbos

Window

Fri, Jun 25 2021, 12:55 am

Everyone has private things that they won’t share with the world. We all have different definitions of what’s private and what’s not.
Occasionally, you run into the random person who has zero filter and zero concept of privacy. That’s not an everyday occurrence.
Previously, people kept things like miscarriage, mental health, etc private and people suffered inside. Nowadays, we’re trying to break those stigmas and share with the world. So that everyone will know that these things are normal and there is help available! B”H, that we’re breaking the mental health stigma!

DrMom

Fri, Jun 25 2021, 1:05 am

I feel like with SoMe, it's not so much that individuals are invading other people's privacy so much as the reverse: people are oversharing private things that others simply don't need/want to know.

sabertooth

Fri, Jun 25 2021, 1:15 am

b.chadash wrote:

If you look at the precise words that Rashi uses, you can see he says the tents were set up this way "so that no one can look into his FRIEND'S house." Meaning, I don't care about my own privacy so much, but I don't want to chas veshalom breach someone else's privacy. The main focus was on protecting the next person's privacy, not my own.

.

Maybe protecting my friends privacy would mean not to be nosy. Don’t look, stare, speculate, ogle, judge, or analyze your neighbor, their comings and goings, their choices, their life

Cherry Blossom

Fri, Jun 25 2021, 5:35 am

I think nowadays when we live so close to each other, we need to be aware of the importance of privacy and respect that. It's rude to ask about an obvious issue if it wasn't shared.

Last edited by Cherry Blossom on Wed, Sep 21 2022, 5:59 am; edited 1 time in total

↑ b.chadash ↓

Fri, Jun 25 2021, 12:20 pm

[quote="Cherry Blossom"]I think nowadays when we live so close to each other, we need to be aware of the importance of privacy and respect that. It's rude to ask about an obvious issue if it wasn't shared.

have a neighbor who is always keeping tabs on everyone's comings and goings. Oh, you've been out since 10 in the morning, where on earth were you for so long?! Hello? Why do you even care?!

My privacy is very important to me. I avoid this woman like the plague.[/quote]

I think Jewish communities have always lived in close quarters. There were those who lived on farms, etc. But Jewish kehillos always thrived on people living near other frum people. I imagine they lived very close to each other during the 40 years in the desert.

Regarding oversharing, I think to a large extent people have lost their shame. In the secular world it is very extreme, but this has filtered into our world as well. About 30 years ago there was a book put out, "Doesn't anyone Blush anymore?" I believe the author is Rabbi Manos Friedman.

I havent read the book, but the question is intriguing. If this was true 30 years ago, what can we say now? Jews are meant to be bayshanim. It's one of the defining qualities of a jew. But we have lost the sense of shame we feel when our privacy is breaches.

I think Whatsapp statuses are a great example of a way we can peek into another person's life without feeling like we are engaging in voyerism.

Of course many people use their WhatsApp statuses to promote their business and to ask people to daven, etc. But other people just post pictures of themselves and their kids, and every step they take.

I guess the question may be asked, am I breaching someone else's privacy by looking at their status or instagram if they literally put it out their for the world to see?

I remember learning in regards to this passuk the specific problems with being aware of what goes on in someone else's home. Problems like jealousy and ayin hara.

So even if I am not encroaching on another person's privacy by viewing their status, I am opening myself to feelings of jealousy, desire and maybe, chas veshalom, ayin hara. (Of course I know in my head that they are only posing pictures of themselves looking happy, and the sad moments are not seen, but it still sinks in that this person is on another vacation, eating out again, buying more stuff, etc. )

One example I remember Rabbi Solomon saying is that when you walk down the street and you can see into someone else's house, just don't look. Dont be a "nosy parker- who parks his nose into other people's business." (to be said in his British accent Smile

)

I heard a story that Rav Yosef Chaim Sonnenfeld, when he used to walk in the streets of the Old City, he would zigzag from one side to the other. The reason was that the windows of the apartments were literally over the street and if you walked underneath you can hear conversations inside. So to avoid hearing conversations, he would zigzag so he would never end up walking under someone's window.

FranticFrummie

Fri, Jun 25 2021, 12:27 pm

Even in homes with no computers, kids will stare into the windows of the neighbors. The parents are not teaching them that it's not nice to do. If I mention it, I'm told "They're just kids."

I love sunlight, and I'm really resentful when I have to keep the house closed up because bored kids want to turn my home into a reality TV show.

SuperWify ↓

Fri, Jun 25 2021, 12:31 pm

I for one don’t understand how it worked in the olden days. Generations of families lived in the same house. Also, many families lived in one room and kids literally sleeping in their parent’s bed each night.

Last edited by SuperWify on Fri, Jun 25 2021, 12:36 pm; edited 1 time in total

↑ BrisketBoss ↓

Fri, Jun 25 2021, 12:35 pm

SuperWify wrote:

I for one don’t understand how it worked in the olden days. Generations of families lived in the same house. Also, many families lived in one room and kids literally sorry in their parent’s bed each night.

This is true. In some ways we have way more privacy now than we used to. Impressive how people can sleep with their kids every night and still continue making more. (I know some still do this.)

↑ SuperWify

Fri, Jun 25 2021, 12:39 pm

BrisketBoss wrote:

This is true. In some ways we have way more privacy now than we used to. Impressive how people can sleep with their kids every night and still continue making more. (I know some still do this.)

They probably just move their sleeping kids before DTD.

But in earlier times even if they don’t sleep in the same bed, they all slept in the same room. Imagine a teenager waking up and seeing his parents in the act Can't Believe It

sky

Fri, Jun 25 2021, 12:49 pm

SuperWify wrote:

My grandmother said kids had a bedroom. Parents slept in main room. If you had to use outhouse at night you climbed out the window.
They had 19 children.

↑ b.chadash ↓

Fri, Jun 25 2021, 1:43 pm

SuperWify wrote:

I think they had curtains around the parents "room".
But you read stories about men coming home from a hard day at work and the wives cooking up water for a bath, and then wash the husband.

↑ BrisketBoss

Fri, Jun 25 2021, 2:23 pm

SuperWify wrote:

They probably just move their sleeping kids before DTD.

I see you highlighted where I said they still do this.

That could be one possibility, but what I've read is they do it somewhere else. Easier than transferring sleeping kids.

↑ b.chadash

Fri, Jun 25 2021, 6:52 pm

BatyaEsther wrote:

Thank you for sharing that beautiful dvar Torah. It is so true and such an important point. I will share it with my family at the Shabbos table. Have a wonderful Shabbos

Your welcome. Have a great Shabbos!