the "We don't know what causes the problem" myth

↑ Fox ↓

Tue, Mar 04 2008, 4:06 pm

There are two ways to interpret the purpose of article quoted in the initial post:

1. The first way to view it is as an analysis of how media (including Jewish media) "spin" the mechanics of a problem to cause or alleviate discomfort. From that perspective, it's very interesting and worthy of discussion. Do we shy away from criticizing our schools and our parenting skills because we don't want to offend certain people or institutions? Should we rethink that approach? Should we examine the way our communities exclude or ostracize people who don't fit a particular mold?

2. The second, and less worthwhile reading of the excerpt, suggests that a flawed parent-child relationship is always at the heart of the problem. Even if that is true, it's of little value to any of us as parents. In some cases, the parent may simply lack the introspection needed to improve the relationship; in other cases, as some posters have mentioned, there are circumstances beyond a parent's control that impact the relationship. How many parents of "kids at risk" thought they had a good relationship before problems surfaced?

Read from the second perspective, the excerpt comes perilously close to finger-pointing and offers nothing useful. If the goal is to encourage people to strengthen their relationships with their children, it offers nothing; in fact, reading it probably reassures those clueless people who tell themselves that "it can't happen to me".

I have no idea which reading was intended -- I will be dan l'chav z'chus and assume the first. So rather than debate whether individual parents are "guilty as charged", a more useful approach might be to discuss the excerpt in terms of "How can our communities help parents build good relationships?" and "How can we help parents/kids repair the damage that leads to "at risk" behavior?"

Let me start by asking participants in this thread if any of you considered yourselves "at risk" at any time and what helped you.

↑ amother ↓

Tue, Mar 04 2008, 4:30 pm

Well, if you think about it, the response of many or most people to the question, “What is the primary cause for the teens-at-risk crisis?” is rather similar to that of my friend in the subway train. For it is part of the human experience to view things from one’s own perspective. A family counselor might tell you that poor parenting or lack of shalom bayis are the leading causes of teens abandoning Yiddishkeit. A stay-at-home mom will inform you that the explosion of day care caused by growing families, financial demands and working mothers are causing our children – and their issues – to be neglected. A mental health professional may claim that molestation and abuse are leading causes, while the manager of a charity organization will point to grinding poverty as a terrible risk factor. A kiruv professional may inform you that some children just aren’t finding fulfillment in our Torah lifestyle the way it is currently being presented to them.

As we can well imagine, the truth lies with all – and none – of them. For each of the risk factors noted above are genuine ones and need to be addressed if we are to make a significant dent in the number of children dropping out of our Torah society. But no single one of them is the only factor, and it does a disservice to this complex matter to assume that solving any one of the issues noted above would bring the teens at risk crisis to a screeching halt.

I think this explains why Dr. Sorotzkin sees things as he does. As a psychotherapist he follows the lines of thinking of most psychanalysts that we can trace everything back to the parents. This thinking has come under a lot of criticism lately for alienating children from their parents.

↑ Motek

Tue, Mar 04 2008, 6:37 pm

amother wrote:

I think this explains why Dr. Sorotzkin sees things as he does. As a psychotherapist he follows the lines of thinking of most psychanalysts that we can trace everything back to the parents. This thinking has come under a lot of criticism lately for alienating children from their parents.

I disagree with this analysis. I think that Dr. Sorotzkin, after meeting with and counseling numerous parents and children, is sharing his observation. That's what he says.

Fox - that's a very well-written and intelligent post! Unfortunately, I have seen few people that are well willing to follow your useful approach. Chaval.

↑ amother

Tue, Mar 04 2008, 8:00 pm

Quote:

Let me start by asking participants in this thread if any of you considered yourselves "at risk" at any time and what helped you.

I considered myself at-risk when I was 18. And you can be sure it had nothing to do with my parents. With the help of an understanding relative and understanding parents, they found me a great shidduch (even though I still had an older sibling who wasn't married yet, and that's not done in my circles.)

↑ Fox

Tue, Mar 04 2008, 10:15 pm

amother wrote:

I considered myself at-risk when I was 18. And you can be sure it had nothing to do with my parents.

So, amother, can I ask what set of circumstances put you at risk? Believe me, I'm not asking out of idle curiosity. I have a daughter whom I wouldn't describe as "at risk", but who is definitely "at risk to be at risk" -- difficult time in school, doesn't fit into the chevra in her class, marches to the beat of her own drummer, etc. We've been pretty proactive in getting help for her and working with the school, etc. Still, I've found it very, very helpful to hear from people who've gone through similar experiences as adolescents.