So, this lady calls me up this week and asks me

amother ↓

Thu, Jan 10 2008, 11:49 am

I get a call from a complete stranger and she tells me she's friend of plonit who is making a bar mitzva this week. Can I please make a cake or fruit platter for the "bar".
I will point out that in my neighborhood people don't usually make an entire meal. They have a seuda for family and then a dessert bar or something like that for friends.

I was a bit taken aback and didn't respond too enthusiastically. I'm not one of those ladies who is constantly cooking and baking for others. My time is very limited and I give in other ways. I felt very put upon. I like to do something when it comes from me and not when I am being enlisted to do it. Also, I kind of feel like - let me make my simchas and you make yours.

Is this totally obnoxious of me? My husband says that it makes alot of sense because instead of one person shouldering the burden alone (financially), each person does a little.

Opinions?

Lani22 ↓

Thu, Jan 10 2008, 11:53 am

I agree with you. People in my husbands family have made simchas and have asked practically each guest to bring a dish. I had never in my life heard of this! YOU make a simcha YOU provide for your guests and when I make a simcha I will provide for mine!

mommy24

Thu, Jan 10 2008, 12:16 pm

Honestly, I have never heard of someone making a simcha and hten asking the guests to bring food for the dessert bar.Is it normally done in your community, do friends offer/bring desserts to have by the barmitzvah? If so, could it be this family can't afford to make the bar mitzvah and when her friend realized this she decided to take it upon herself to help out, by enlisting other friends to make/bring some desserts?

↑ amother ↓

Thu, Jan 10 2008, 12:22 pm

Op here.
When I go to Kiddushim there are often beautiful platters that different people made. I assume that friends OFFER to make and the hostess says "yes, thanks". that's one thing. But to be called and asked - I dunno.

One friend of mine offered this speculation - She figures that the lady that called me is the one who came up with this idea and offered to the hostess of the B. M. that she would organize a bar for her! That was her contribution to the event!!! I cannot imagine my friend actually asking someone to get this organized for her. It just doesn't jive. Now I have to figure out if I'm going to make something or not Rolling Eyes

southernbubby ↓

Thu, Jan 10 2008, 12:28 pm

With any type of giving or chessed situation it is best to know your limits and to set those limits. I would tell the friend that you must limit that type of effort to helping those that you are close to.

↑ amother ↓

Thu, Jan 10 2008, 12:40 pm

Op here again.
I just spoke to my sister who recently made 2 weddings within 3 months (!) and she helped to put it into perspective for me.

She say that the B.M. hostess was probably sharing about how overwhelmed she was and her friend offered to help her pull it together. My sister says I should never resent being asked to do chessed. And that if I can't do it I should just say no. Makes sense.

Ima'la

Thu, Jan 10 2008, 12:45 pm

amother wrote:

Good advice. Just what I was going to say.

↑ southernbubby ↓

Thu, Jan 10 2008, 12:49 pm

I think that is good advice as long as you have the option of saying "no". You can tell the lady who called that you are sorry but you are tied up with other things at the moment or offer to make one or two cakes but not a whole platter. Most people are asked to do a lot of chessed and may not have time to say yes to all of it. Sometimes it is best to tell the person that you will check your schedule and get back to her and try to find out what the story is and figure out what if anything that you are able to do.

AGINY

Thu, Jan 10 2008, 12:53 pm

My sister in law invited us all to a 40th b'day for her husband. Three days before the party she made calls to all of us to ask us to make specific things for the party. I was so put off by the whole thing. She gave us a months notice about the party, don't call three days in advance and divvy out all the jobs. I told her I wasn't able to make the deserts she asked for - I really had a hectic week and it would have been impossible. I still (a month later) think she was totally out of place. If you are making a big party and feel overwhelmed, and you live in NY where everything is available, call any restaurant or take out place and order a few trays of food and a few salads. It is YOUR party, take responsibility for it.

Sorry for the vent!

mumoo ↓

Thu, Jan 10 2008, 12:54 pm

For those who enjoy cooking, (not me) cooking for others is not such a tircha (I'd guess). I say no to doing chossodim that cuts into family or finances- I know I do chesed- I run a gemach and oversee at least 4 more. and work at the two mikvaos in the community- and do lice check and the girls Sunday learning at the Kollel..... my point we shouldn't feel guilty if we already do chesed in some way, leaving other opportunities for others

↑ Lani22

Thu, Jan 10 2008, 12:57 pm

AGINY wrote:

I had almost the exact situation. ARGH

greenfire

Thu, Jan 10 2008, 1:05 pm

yes a chesed should come from within ... also you don't know the person ... ask her friends at least ...

I was reluctant ... but I ended up taking things for my sons bar mitzva for a family seudah ... but simply cause I had a dd in the hospital ... otherwise I would have wanted to do everything myself !!!

Raisin

Thu, Jan 10 2008, 1:12 pm

AGINY wrote:

You know what? lucky you that your finances are such that calling up a take out place and ordering a few platters is not a big deal. Some people are not so blessed.

My sister just made a beautiful bar mitzva, catered by herself with the help of a few friends.

(although a 40th birthday is different than a bar mitzva...I agree that was a chutzpa - but this is two totally different situations.)

↑ chocolate moose ↓

Thu, Jan 10 2008, 1:48 pm

amother wrote:

You misunderstood me CM. The woman who called was calling to organize a bar for a friend of mine. She wasn't asking for herself.

Oh, I understood all right. YOur fame for making good things must reach far and wide!

↑ amother ↓

Thu, Jan 10 2008, 2:13 pm

Actually, I've taken this a step further. I no longer accept from my friends unless I absolutely need it. Thing is, I accepted many things thinking it came from the heart (just like I would do it), but then some people, when it was their simcha, dictated what they wanted and said they made for me, so I should make for them. I guess some people keep such a cheshbon. I don't. So, my policy is to try and be as independent as possiable. AND KEEP IT SIMPLE. This way, I don't owe anyone and I'm not matriach anyone.

↑ mumoo ↓

Thu, Jan 10 2008, 3:55 pm

chocolate moose wrote:

amother wrote:

You misunderstood me CM. The woman who called was calling to organize a bar for a friend of mine. She wasn't asking for herself.

Oh, I understood all right. YOur fame for making good things must reach far and wide!

that's out of line