Lying at almost 8 years old

Starhavah ↓

Thu, Dec 20 2007, 7:32 am

Ok, DD lies a lot. Always to aviod doing something she doesn't want to do or avoid negative consequences for not having done somehting she should have done. A popular one with her is she doesn't always wash her hands after using the toilet, especially in the winter. So, we try to ask every time she uses the toilet. This is a health issue after all. She often tells us she did and when we ask to smell the soap on her hands she admits that she did not and goes back to the bathroom and washes. We have taken away her bedtime stories for this (a very big deal to her) and still no improvement. This morning we ramped it up. She has to miss her afterschool art class and is grounded (this is the first time we grounded her). We have talked to her until we are blue in the face about the importance of washing your hands after using the bathroom and the importance of telling the truth.

In all honesty (no pun intended Smile

), I was a liar as a child and there is nothing my parents could have done to make me stop. I saw lying as a way of avoiding negative consequences and when my parents said that the consequences were worse because I was caught in a lie, I knew they were wrong. But it is true that with my daughter the consequences are worse because she is lying. I try to praise her when she admits to doing something wrong without lying.

Have any of you dealt with this? What worked with your kids?

Star Havah

hadasa

Thu, Dec 20 2007, 7:40 am

One thing I would suggest is usually not to ask "Did you wash your hands" but just say "Go wash your hands".

Another point is - are you 100% honest with her? Do you either promise or threaten things you will not fulfill? Do you sometimes make up excuses for not doing something she wanted?

↑ Starhavah ↓

Thu, Dec 20 2007, 8:13 am

hadasa wrote:

We are extremely reliable for doing what we say we will do since we both recognize that unfufilled is the fastest way to chaos in a household. Also we always try very hard to fufill our promises, as any frum person should. I do not think her lying is a behavior she learned by seeing it modelled by us. And while I was a liar as a child, I am very much into truth as an adault. I grew up in a violent family and for me lying was a way to express a little bit of independence without getting physically hurt. My sweetie and I are not violent people. We do not hit DD. Although, sweetie yells a lot more than I like and I try hard to keep the yelling in the house from happening DH is not open to that. DH thinks that yelling is an appropriate behavior when angry and refuses to entain any ideas that he is abusive in any way.

But back to DD. She is not growing up in a violent home or one with a lot of yelling (although there is more yelling than I would ideally like, which is none). So, while there is a little of dynamic of lying to avoid punishment, there still has to be a way to get her to stop.

Star Havah

↑ Starhavah ↓

Thu, Dec 20 2007, 10:23 am

Mimisinger wrote:

You say that you have talked until you're blue in the face. Have you ever listened? Had a real honest heart to heart why she's lying? That's the first step...

Yes, I have. And I am not just saying that. I bring her to a seperate room to talk with her since DH doesn't listen to her and doesn't care why she lies. I often talk to her on the walk to the school bus or home from the school bus to lighten the mood (not so serious becuase it is not in the house). I really do try to understand what is in her mind. When she says, "I do not know". I often say, "well when I was growing up I did X because of this but I knew people who did it because of that. Is it one of those or something else?" I ask a lot of open ended questions, listen to the answers and repeat back what I hear. So that is not it.

Star havah

↑ Starhavah

Thu, Dec 20 2007, 10:36 am

chavamom wrote:

This is actually a very age appropriate "stage" and not unique to your dd. Are you familiar with this series of books? I think it might be the one on nine year-olds that addresses lying though.

Thanks. I had not heard of these books but they look so good I will try to get them out of the library tomorrow!

Star Havah

greenfire

Thu, Dec 20 2007, 11:03 am

my thoughts are not to focus on her negative behaviors ... and make the punishment fit the crime ... so she didn't wash her hands and now she is missing an art class ... she will grow to resent you and lie more ... like above poster said don't ask her - tell her or bring her to wash her hands ... make a chart for each time she does with cute stickers ... for other areas as well like the lying ... but remember you cannot force someone not to lie but encourage ...

and by the way ... but some fun soap and sing a song with her about washing hands ... make life FUN ...