12 yr old DD hit me

amother

OP ↓

Mon, Dec 23 2019, 9:09 am

Until recently, DD has been such a sweet, cooperative, helpful girl. She struggles with a bit of anxiety, for which we take her to therapy and overall she's fine. But for the past few weeks she's been going through what seems to me a pre-teen phase where she is less cooperative and a little belligerent. I brought it up in therapy, but there doesn't seem to be any reason for this other than like I said - pre-teen stuff...

Well, over Chanukah, I have been appalled by her "spoiled" behavior. Aside from her lack of cooperation, when I would usually expect her to help much more, she has had such a disturbing attitude toward gifts. We let each of our children choose their main gift (we get small gifts for the other nights), and she has been whining for weeks that it's not fair that we only let her choose something for $30 - she can't get anything good for that amount, etc. and asking for all sorts of things that she claims her friends have (maybe one or two friends have, definitely not all) but that we won't let (like dvd players, etc.). Her attitude towards others' gifts has also been horrible. ("I can't believe Grandma bought me books; she should have bought me..." "Why did that guest get me arts and crafts, so babyish", etc.)

In the meantime, I've been overhearing her conversations with her friends where everyone is comparing their Chanukah gifts, so I understand she's having some anxiety about it. Last night, everyone was up late after our Chanukah party and when it was over and my husband was putting the younger girls to bed, she took the opportunity to badger me again about her Chanukah gift that she hadn't yet chosen. For the millionth time, I told her we are not buying her a DVD player or smartwatch, and that if she wants something more expensive than $30, she can contribute her own money. I also mentioned that since this seems to be becoming stressful and defeating the purpose of Chanukah gifts, maybe we should skip her gift this year. I also told her it's time to go to sleep (bedtime at 9:15 and it was 9:45) and she started crying that it's not fair that her younger sisters got to stay up later than their bedtime; why doesn't she get to stay up much later like them? And I'm so unfair to her - not "letting" her get a Chanukah present and making her go to bed. In her fit, she slapped me on my arm and stalked up muttering about how I'm the worst mother in the world and she wishes I wasn't her mother.

I was pretty stunned by her behavior. And not sure how to respond. We give her a lot of privileges and I'm tempted to take some of them away until I see an improvement in her behavior (though I'm not sure if that's even enough of a consequence for hitting a mother). On the other hand, I'm wondering if this reaction came from a place of her anxiety, and can see consequences just making her feel worse and escalating the situation. Also she has never reacted physically like that before. But this behavior is unacceptable.

Any advice?

amother

Honeydew ↓

Mon, Dec 23 2019, 9:35 am

An idea that sounds counter intuitive.
She is anxious about her gift not matching up to her peers (and it won't). She is taking it out on you bc she feels safe enough with you to express those emotions (I have been a teenager in a house full of teen sisters. My modus operandi was to ignore my mother and I still am very distant with her)
That sounds great but the relationship also needs repair bc you can't just hit your mother.

Obviously a consequence won't help with anything. How about redirecting the gift to something her peers can't compete with and builds in quality time (it's probably the last thing you want to do with her now but that's why it's the most important. Kids push our limits and they want to see that you will remain firm and unyielding so they know they can count on you. A teen is basically a 2 year old with hormones)

Use the $30 for a quality time breakfast or lunch or outing together - in lieu of a gift and as a natural consequence that takes care of both responding to the situation and withdrawing a physical gift but without being punitive.
It has to be cool so she can brag about it to her friends. So go to a cool place or order those $8 doughnuts or something.

Again - it's the last thing you want to do but maybe it's just what she needs.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Dec 23 2019, 9:41 am

amother [ Honeydew ] wrote:

I love this idea as a solution to the Chanukah gift - perfect!
Don't think it will address the hitting though - I think she would love this as a gift too.

amother

Blonde ↓

Mon, Dec 23 2019, 9:58 am

Clearly she is overwhelmed with all of the competing emotions and peer related anxiety, and she is lacking the skills to handle all of it.

I would not make a big deal out of her outburst. And I think it's not necessary to punish her, nor would it be helpful. She needs help to understand the underlying emotions that are contributing to her outbursts, and to understand the underlying source for all of it. When she is calm and not emotional, it would be good to just listen to her and hear her out. Validate the emotions behind her complaints.
"Yes, it is hard to be the only one in the class who doesn't have a smart watch. It is hard to be different than your friends. Yes, I understand how important it feels to have what everyone else has. It makes a lot of sense that you would feel this way."

Be genuine and supportive, and help her feel heard and understood.
After that you can work together to strategize on more appropriate ways of handling her upset and distress. And to develop some flexible solutions together to respond when she feels her needs are not being met.

amother

Apricot

Mon, Dec 23 2019, 10:34 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

You "expect her to help much more" but then expect her to go to bed on time even though her younger siblings got to stay up past their bedtime. She is expressing her feelings that life is unfair. First, she cant get the presents that her peers get then she cant get the benefits that her younger siblings get I.e. staying up past their bedtime. She is also saying that she is growing up but her grandparents/others still see her as a little kid and that bothers her. And her feelings are valid but you come across as impatient and dismissive. Seems like she is getting the short end of the stick here and she doesnt know how to deal with it emotionally.

As for the gift, you can buy dvd players for less than $30 dollars. You can also combine the big present with the little presents and just give her one big gift. Or buy something second hand. Another way to do it is give her the money directly so that she can add it to her own savings and then buy whatever she wants herself.

The real issue is the power struggle between the two of you. Is she the oldest? How many siblings does she have and how old are they? Are they expected to help more as well?
She wants more freedom and independence, you are struggling to give her that. But she is growing older and becoming a teenager so you will have to let go of that control eventually. May as well start now. Take a parenting class on how to parent a teenager so that you can avoid power struggles in the future. She may need a social skills class to learn how to address her concerns appropriately. Both of you can speak to a therapist together so that you can communicate with each other without it becoming hostile.

#BestBubby ↓

Mon, Dec 23 2019, 10:58 am

When I was 4 y.o. I picked up my hand to hit my mother. My mother caught my
hand before I could hit. My mother re-acted with horror. With great seriousness
my mother said "You are NEVER allowed to hit a mother. It is a BIG aveirah".

I never tried to hit my mother again. It made a big impression on me.

When I was older, my mother said that anyone who hits a parent is chayav misah
(death penalty).

I think DH should explain to DD what a terrible Aveirah she committed and guide
her to do Teshuvah: Ask Mother for mechilah, and promise to NEVER raise a hand
to a PARENT again.

Re: Gifts - maybe offer the value of the little gifts + $30 for the main gift. DD can add her own money if necessary. But DD can't buy a DVD player or smartwatch if those are against the rules.

I would explain to DD that there are other parents who have bigger homes, fancier cars and take better vacations than the parents - and that is OK. Hashem gives
everyone what is best for them and she cannot expect what her friends have. That
is not the way life works.

amother

Plum

Mon, Dec 23 2019, 12:35 pm

Talk about it with her. Be kind and listen. But also firmly say that it's never okay to hit someone because you're upset. Remind her about alternatives for handling anger.

This age is hard, I'm going through it with two of my kids. B"H since I have older kids too, I've learned that they really do make it through adolescence and emerge as delightful people ka"h. But meanwhile it takes a lot out of you as the parent. I do a lot of listening to her, and I try to set aside time for us to do stuff together without the other kids so there's a decent foundation in place.

I ignore a lot of the complaining and if she's talking to me in a whiny way, I patiently ask her to rephrase. If she's feeling emotional I ask her to tell me what she's feeling, and I offer suggestions for different emotions (frustrated? anxious? resentful? furious?) to help her figure out how she's feeling. Then I ask her why she's feeling that way, and I listen for a long time before I talk. I validate her. I don't try to convince her of a different point of view, I just say, "that must be so hard." Then when she's more rational we can talk about problem-solving options.

amother

Aubergine

Mon, Dec 23 2019, 1:59 pm

As someone who will never win the rat race of "who got more presents", I find that the only only way to counter all the negative feelings about not having enough to compete with anyone else is to remove yourself from the game. Create a new one.

Someone else on Imamother talked about how she had all her children select toys that they weren't using anymore, and donating them. It was hard to choose, but in the end they felt great about it. Your daughter is 12, a bas mitzvah. It's time to have her feel great about herself for what she does for others, instead of focusing on what she doesn't have.

Stress what other people don't have. Find a volunteering opportunity for her, and then reward her each time she does it. Small rewards. A coffee with you, her favorite snack, a bakery item, etc. A small trinket.

My son is also keenly aware of what he doesn't get. He very much wants to fit in, and it's out of our budget. This time, I got him what he wanted but tied it into a series of jobs that he had to complete. One of which was to tutor his younger sibling. He's also 12. He felt accomplished and I felt like I got my money's worth. He felt grown up, and also that he has to give back. I signed him up for volunteering and I feel like it's been helping him.

amother

↑ Blonde

Mon, Dec 23 2019, 6:00 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

OP, please do not follow this advice. Telling a child she is chayav misa and did a terrible aveirah is a sure way to cause long term emotional harm and increase her underlying anxiety disorder.

First, she is emotionally dysregulated and is unable to manage her anxiety. Then being told that she may die because of it?

I can't think of a worse approach to chinuch.