girl can't decide if she loves or hates my daughter

amother ↓

Wed, Dec 12 2007, 12:08 am

there is this one girl in my 11 yr old daughter's class that when she is alone with my daughter (example being after bnos on shabbos) she is nice and tries to be her friend inviting her or asking if she can come over, but in school, when she is in front of her "cool" friends, she gets really nasty, telling my daughter to go away for no reason and stuff.

One time my daughter started saying "you know the other day when we were walking and talking about..." and the girl vehemently denied having walked and chatted with her, as if ewww, she would never have done that.

my daughter is not a neb, she simply isn't a "cool" girl. But she is a good kind hearted person and it seems, from what my daughter has surmised and described to me that the girl likes her but is afraid that a friendship with her will taint her status in the "cool" group.
(obviously she is not secure in her position there)

the thing is, how do I guide my daughter in how to deal with this obnoxious kid. I couldn't comprehend how she played with her on two shabbosim after bnos, even though she is constantly complaining about her rudeness. However my daughter was like "what was I supposed to say? no I don't want to play with you?"
she can't do that, its simply not in her nature to be mean and take revenge, but I don't like the idea of her being a pushover and letting this girl treat her so shoddily. On the other hand, I wouldn't want to encourage her to be mean.

any ideas?

Maya ↓

Wed, Dec 12 2007, 12:35 am

I don't think the title is right. The classmate obviously likes your daughter. She is just embarrased to be seen with her because, as you say, she is not a 'cool' kid. I'm sure she has no reason to be embarrased with your daughter, but you know how 11-year old girls work.

But if she agrees to play with her and is nice to her when noone is around, it seems like she really does like your daughter.

↑ amother ↓

Wed, Dec 12 2007, 12:52 am

I couldn't think of a suitable title for the thread, if mod could change it to something better then please.

the thing is it really bugs her. Personally I find the girl a creep the way she behaves. I don't like seeing my daughter behave.

what do I teach my daughter to do. Is it right that she should agree to play with her when no one is around if she is disgusting to her in school?

↑ amother ↓

Wed, Dec 12 2007, 1:04 am

I actually told her something to that affect that she should do, but I wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do. I told her that its all very well she doesn't want to be mean but she also shouldn't let herself get walked over and should tell the girl to get her act together.

TzenaRena ↓

Wed, Dec 12 2007, 1:21 am

I went through this with my own daughter last year and the previous one. The friend that acted this way was her own cousin, who was in the same class! she really liked my daughter, but "couldn't" be too friendly with her in class, because of that status thing shock

. (it was 2 combined classes, the niece was in the other original class) She sometimes said things that hurt my dd's feelings, and sometimes just left her out of the group.

we analyzed it back and forth, but I tink my dd just accepted that her cousin relationship was intact, but a private thing not for school.

Now that she is in a different school, she calls my dd every night! LOL

bashinda

Wed, Dec 12 2007, 9:05 pm

I had this when I was a kid. One of the kids in school said privately to me that she liked me but she couldn't show that she liked me because I was pretty much the least popular kid in class.

I think it's one thing if the girl isn't nasty (this girl wasn't nasty just not friendly to me if other people were around which wasn't so helpful either) in which case your daughter is better off without her and if it's possible she should try to focus her attention on other people. Of course I have no clue what her general situaiton is like or her personality but I think she's not going to be a good influence on her. Do you want your daughter pulling the same shtick?

It sounds like this girl doesn't have good self confidence as I think somebody else pointed out.

Hashem should give you much hatzlacha! This sounds like a tight situation for both you and your daughter.

NotInNJMommy

Wed, Dec 12 2007, 9:26 pm

The best thing I've thought of/seen mentioned is that your dd should level with this girl, in private.

"If we're friends, we're friends. You don't ahve to hang out with me all the time. You can have other friends, but I'm not interested in being treated the way you treat me." Of course, this is a whole thing for your daughter bc of course she wants friends and also likes this girl. On some level though, it can't be healthy for her to just tolerate the girl being dreadful to her in front of others and then be friends with her.

There's an idea of too much chessed, and not enough gevurah. Yes, she CAN say," no I don't want to play with someone who says x,y,z to/about me. " Maybe this would actually be ahavas yisrael to the other girl bc then she might truly realize what she's doing and stop. Maybe it's not ahavas yisrael to the "friend" to keep the relationship as is bc then the "friend"'s behavior is indirectly condoned.

↑ amother ↓

Wed, Dec 12 2007, 9:32 pm

nah I don't think my daughter likes her. how can she like her? the girl has given her a rough time in school this year.

anyway I just got an update from her, she says the girl lately isn't being so mean anymore. She isn't nice either but at least she isn't being mean.
the reason I posted is because the girl kept calling her yesterday to get some info for something and it was bugging me.

Just to clarify, my daughter isn't the least popular, she has a nice group of friends but they aren't "cool". This class has a whole gang of cool girls, (some allright and some downright rude) which my daughter wouldn't want to be a part of even if she was welcomed by them.

louche

Thu, Dec 13 2007, 8:08 pm

sounds to me as if this girl is too insecure to stand on her own two feet. clearly she likes your daughter, but she wants to be part of the "cool" crowd. ever notice how often the "cool" crowd is comprised in large part of the snobs and the nasties? maybe she sees the social situation as an either-or proposition, something like a gang mentality: either you're a membr of the "cool" crowd and act nasty to e/o else. or you become one of their victims.
evidently your daughter has more self-confidence and maturity and neither needs nor wants to be one of them. good job!

NJM makes a good point--your dd should let the other girl know that her split-personality act is not acceptable, and she must decide whether she prefers to have "cool" crowd as "frinds" or your dd as a frind. Having a "friend" who would treat her so badly can't be doing dd any good.

↑ amother

Thu, Dec 13 2007, 8:13 pm

Quote:

evidently your daughter has more self-confidence and maturity and neither needs nor wants to be one of them. good job!

thanks

however I don't take credit for this. this aspect is something that comes from within her. She has a natural aversion to any group that behaves selectively