VERY angry 10 year old! PLEASE HELP!

amother ↓

Sun, Dec 02 2007, 2:18 pm

My 10 year old daughter is always angry about something. She throws a fit about everything from doing her homework to finding a pair of tights. It got really bad on Shabbos when I tried to get her to go upstairs during one of her fits since we had guests sleeping downstairs. She wouldn't go up with me and instead pushed me down on the stairs (I'm 6 1/2 months pregnant). She felt bad about that, but continued with the tantrum anyway. She yells and screams, calling me an idiot and stupid. I very rarely yell at her in response, trying to talk nicely, in hope it will calm her down. At the beginning of the year, I realized she needs my help with homework, so I decided we should do it together, after the others go to sleep (she is the oldest) Nothing is working! I've tried incentives for good behavior....a new book or shirt or skirt....no improvement. I'm constantly getting calls from one of her teachers about her bad performance in school....she forgets to write down homework, or forgets her books in school so she can't even do homework.

This behavior has been going on for 6 months! I don't know what to do with her anymore. Any positive reinforcemnet I try doesn't work. HELP!

momluv ↓

Sun, Dec 02 2007, 2:22 pm

she needs counseling. that's what I'd do at this point. she has an anger issue which she needs to learn to deal with and a psychologist can help her with that. throwing a mother down the steps is one step closer to something worse if you don't deal with it now, so please call someone. there should be some who take insurance. call ohel. they'll be able to direct you.

↑ amother ↓

Sun, Dec 02 2007, 2:36 pm

Consider therapy for yourself to get guidance how to deal with her now, better fix it now before the teenage years set in. By the way in a survey of a class of boys her age MOST have issue with forgeting things at school and not writing down hw, maybe its better by girls but its NORMAL for this age.

Lechatchila Ariber ↓

Sun, Dec 02 2007, 2:46 pm

Quote:

but its NORMAL for this age.

maybe I'm misunderstanding you but are you saying its normal for a 10 year old kid (or any age for that matter) to get to the point they push their mother on the stairs and call her stupid and idiot?

please tell me I'm wrong and misunderstood you amother

cdawnr

Sun, Dec 02 2007, 2:49 pm

EstiS wrote:

Quote:

but its NORMAL for this age.

I'm pretty sure the amother was only referring to forgetting the schoolwork

Tefila ↓

Sun, Dec 02 2007, 2:54 pm

Quote:

She wouldn't go up with me and instead pushed me down on the stairs

Quote:

(I'm 6 1/2 months pregnant).

IRRELEVANT. Sad

What difference does it make wether u r a senior or a kallah maidel, one never pushes a parent Exclamation

YOur dd imo needs help fast Exclamation

if she is like this now unable to control her tantrums, hate to think how she will be as a Teen Sad

↑ amother ↓

Sun, Dec 02 2007, 2:56 pm

EstiS - please reread-

EstiS wrote:

Quote:

but its NORMAL for this age.

Quote:

By the way in a survey of a class of boys her age MOST have issue with forgeting things at school and not writing down hw, maybe its better by girls but its NORMAL for this age.

Motek ↓

Sun, Dec 02 2007, 4:04 pm

yentagolda wrote:

she needs counseling. that's what I'd do at this point. she has an anger issue which she needs to learn to deal with and a psychologist can help her with that.

Why do you assume that the daughter needs counseling and that the problem is with her "anger issue"? Maybe the parents need counseling and they need help with "parenting issues"? Or maybe something happened outside the home and the parents are unaware of it and their daughter is not telling them.

It would be helpful if amother could explain why she thinks this change took place 6 months ago. Behavior like this doesn't come out of the blue. A 10 year old doesn't wake up one day, having lived a wonderful life so far, and decide to be a brat.

MahPitom

Sun, Dec 02 2007, 4:09 pm

My daughter started acting mental this summer. She is nine ½. I realized that it is a direct connection to me, and not hormones like a suspected. When I was respectful to others on the phone, she would mimic me. When I yelled because the teacher assigned ME yet another project (baking cookies on a Wednesday night, deadline tomorrow) it teaches them un-cooperation. You can learn more about this method from Atara Malach, the Chutzpah lesson. So far it’s working B’H.

↑ amother ↓

Sun, Dec 02 2007, 5:44 pm

EstiS wrote:

but first..like motek asked...did anything happen 6 months ago.

actually I think the first thing to do is to find out if there is something going on or that happened around that time

OP here: Yes, something did happen. DH went away for 2 weeks due to his job. This was the first time he had ever been away for so long. We hired a live-in nanny who was a lot of fun for those two weeks. My children have known her for 4 years. However, Shabbos was very hard for the kids. Yes, dh has been away for Shabbos before, but this time I guess it was different since he was gone during the week as well. My 10 year old had the hardest time of all the kids. This was a big shock to us all since she had been the most easygoing. She was very upset. I did not ask her (or any of the other kids) to help "extra" while dh was away...I had my nanny. So no kids felt any extra burden. Anway, my 10 year old was pretty upset (not to the degree of anger she is displaying now) But, this was the beginning. We all just figured it would end when he came home. And that she would be happy since dh has all summer off...so he'd be home for 3 months straight! DH took the kids on trips and did projects with them everyday.
However, during the summer it didn't go away, and has just gotten worse
and worse during the fall. We thought that going back to school with a more set routine would help, but that didn't happen since now she has even more things to be angry about (her school work). I thought maybe the homework was too hard, until one day when she had none and had an awful tantrum, anyway.

↑ amother ↓

Sun, Dec 02 2007, 5:59 pm

Motek wrote:

[
Why do you assume that the daughter needs counseling and that the problem is with her "anger issue"? Maybe the parents need counseling and they need help with "parenting issues"? Or maybe something happened outside the home and the parents are unaware of it and their daughter is not telling them.

It would be helpful if amother could explain why she thinks this change took place 6 months ago. Behavior like this doesn't come out of the blue. A 10 year old doesn't wake up one day, having lived a wonderful life so far, and decide to be a brat.

OP here: Please read my post above.

I don't think anything outside of the home happened. She was an extremely happy kid before dh left on his trip. So, it actually did come out of the blue. We would never in a million years have expected this particular daughter to have had such a reaction. My nanny and I were totally caught off guard! Really, it was amazing how wonderful and well-behaved my daughter had been. It's hard to describe. But she changed. Overnight. And it has gotten worse. And worse.

↑ Motek ↓

Sun, Dec 02 2007, 6:23 pm

amother wrote:

But she changed. Overnight. And it has gotten worse. And worse.

You've got to explore. I read your post and I'll stick to my view - it doesn't happen overnight "stam kacha" (just like that). Something precipitates it. And when it gets worse over a period of months, that means that whatever it is has not been resolved. It sounds mystifying and awful for you; scary too. I wish you hatzlacha in finding out what the problem is and resolving it. The last thing I think you should do is have her take anger management lessons ...

↑ Lechatchila Ariber

Sun, Dec 02 2007, 6:33 pm

I agree with motek that you need to explore OP.
sounds like there is more to it then just your husband going away on a trip.
maybe either, its her perception of the event or, maybe something else entirely.

I don't know how you are meant to go about figuring it out, but definitely you should get to the bottom of what happened around that time.

↑ momluv

Sun, Dec 02 2007, 6:54 pm

ok. sounds like you do have some exploring to do. but a psychologist can figure out the root of the problem too. maybe it isn't anger, just anger is the way she is dealing with something bothering her. perhaps you and your dh can attend to one with her together and see what he can come up with. first rule out hormones as others have suggested. I hope you will have the issue resolved easily and I wish you hatzlacha and strength.