L'Dovid Hashem if you had dysfunctional childhood

amother

OP ↓

Wed, Sep 11 2019, 12:41 pm

I am wondering if others have this issue.

I try to say L'Dovid Hashem during Elul, but I kind of find myself with a pain in my stomach when I say כִּי אָבִי וְאִמִּי עֲזָבוּנִי וַיהוָה יַאַסְפֵנִי.

I presume it's supposed to be a comforting thought that Hashem is always there for us, but my mind seems to go along the lines of being deserted by my parents.

I guess I will have to ask my therapist if she thinks I should just skip it, or face up to it...

amother

Yellow

Wed, Sep 11 2019, 12:49 pm

I guess it depends at what stage of healing you are. I am past the grieving stage. Having a פסוק that validates my pain so strongly is extremely comforting at this point. Years ago it would make me wince. Or I would not even daven at all out of so much pain and confusion.

thunderstorm

Wed, Sep 11 2019, 12:52 pm

For me it’s comfort. I actually write gratitude in my journal daily thanking Hashem for being the one that takes care of me. It was always Hashem who I turned to in actual childhood and teenage hood . I would spend a long time davening because I needed that embrace and the feeling of feeling close to the ONLY one I knew wouldn’t ever abandon me. My father and my mother left me with feelings of abandonment and I suffered a lot of attachment trauma but at least I was raised frum where Hashem had a constant presence in my life. It’s the only reason why I’m alive today.

amother

Teal

Wed, Sep 11 2019, 12:53 pm

I like the fact that this posuk is there. It validates me. If even Dovid Hamalech says this....

Zehava

Wed, Sep 11 2019, 1:58 pm

amother [ Teal ] wrote:

I like the fact that this posuk is there. It validates me. If even Dovid Hamalech says this....

This! I always found myself in this passuk. It was so validating to me as a teen.

amother

Emerald

Wed, Sep 11 2019, 2:06 pm

So interesting. I always found such chizuk from this Pazuk. "My mother and father have left me, and Hashem will gather me." What could be more uplifting? Hashem is there for me, Hashem will be my protective guardian.

I feel similarly uplifted by "the stone which the builders rejected will be the cornerstone," "אבן מאסו הבונים היתה לראש פינה.״. And also from "קרוב ה׳ לנשברי לב״

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Sep 11 2019, 2:28 pm

I guess I function pretty well through most of the day without thinking about my childhood issues. If a thought does come up, I make a little note to discuss with therapist.

But I don't feel like that reminder is so healthy for me at this point in my work.

amother

Blonde ↓

Wed, Sep 11 2019, 4:34 pm

It doesn't burn as much as it used to. Before I got married, I used to cry helplessly every time I'd say that pasuk.

amother

Brown

Wed, Sep 11 2019, 5:04 pm

Zehava wrote:

This! I always found myself in this passuk. It was so validating to me as a teen.

This. I remember learning about the meaning of it as a child. I remembered it as a preteen and teen and later all my years. It was my life saver. Literally.

amother

↑ OP

Wed, Sep 11 2019, 7:52 pm

Maybe what I struggle with is that Hashem has given me so many challenges (though also so much good) but it doesn't feel like being gathered in...

amother

↑ Blonde

Wed, Sep 11 2019, 7:55 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Maybe what I struggle with is that Hashem has given me so many challenges (though also so much good) but it doesn't feel like being gathered in...

OP, I just wrote this in a poem-

"If this is the way Hashem shows love, then I'm not sure I want His love." It came from a place of tremendous emotional pain.

I also don't feel like I'm being gathered in at all lately.

And yes, I guess I can still say אבי ואמי עזבוני, in the sense that I don't have a relationship with my parents where I feel comfortable to share challenges or supported when I do so.