Child touching herself

amother ↓

Sun, Nov 18 2007, 9:44 am

What would you do with a child who is constantly trying to pleasure herself? Would you discuss it with her or just try to ignore it? Could a child being aware of their body from such a young age possibly be a sign of abuse?

↑ amother ↓

Sun, Nov 18 2007, 9:46 am

It depends on the age of the child. If she's really young, don't say anything. If she's old enough to understand, it's okay to tell her that you know it feels good, but it's something to do in private, not in front of others.

Tefila

Sun, Nov 18 2007, 9:52 am

1. All kids boys and girls explore Exclamation

abuse by that alone is not an indicator PULEZE only if it's coupled by other patterns in behaviour

2. Very normal from toilet training age.

3. No it should not be ignored, nor made into a huge deal Exclamation

Just casually ask then if they need the washroom and if not then they should not be doing that it's not tznius.

↑ amother ↓

Sun, Nov 18 2007, 10:02 am

My dd does it, and has done it for about 1 yr...

It is completely normal, healthy behavior...she is doing something that she found feels good.

With that said, it is not tznius and she is still too young to grasp that idea.

We do not forbid her from doing it, though. She is only allowed to do this in her bedroom alone. It is a relaxing thing for her, so it will often put her to sleep...if I don't want her to nap (or if there is any other reason I don't want her to do it) she is not allowed at that moment. I tell her she can do that another time, but now is not the time for that.

cdawnr

Sun, Nov 18 2007, 11:32 am

how old is the child.

I have found that my 2 yr old daughter rocks on the edge of her chair. I know why she is doing it, but she is too young to be todl to stop. I generally will try to mobve her to a different setting...more because she spaces out when she does it than to teach her at this age.

↑ amother ↓

Sun, Nov 18 2007, 1:49 pm

my 20 month old does this and it drives me crazy. is it okay to put her time out just for a few seconds so shell maybe learn to stop. its really embarssing! I dont know what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Clarissa ↓

Sun, Nov 18 2007, 2:22 pm

amother wrote:

I wouldn't do a time-out for it. First of all, it teaches that touching herself is the same as bad behavior, like hitting someone.

For a 20 month old, I'd ignore it. My little guy grabs his often when he's being changed. It feels good, he likes it. Nothing to teach him yet.

edited for tznius

Lechatchila Ariber ↓

Sun, Nov 18 2007, 2:44 pm

I agree with clarissa

you can't punish a 20mth old for such a thing.

I highly doubt a 20mth old is doing it for pleasure anyway. She is probably just exploring.

Sounds natural at that age to me, in fact, she probabaly isn't even aware she is doing it.

↑ Clarissa

Sun, Nov 18 2007, 2:47 pm

Good point, Esti. It's important to define pleasure in this case. Certain things feel good to small children, but they're not s*xual in the way we think of s*xual. My kid can sit there while I run a brush through his hair with a blissful expression of pleasure. He can grab himself during a diaper change with no more expression of pleasure than when he absent-mindedly plays with his ear or something. At that age, lots of things feel good.

The weird thing about little boys is that they get...enthusiastic-looking there, (if you get my drift) but that's involuntary.

↑ Lechatchila Ariber

Sun, Nov 18 2007, 3:22 pm

I would however, suggest the mother gently moves her hand away and gives her a toy to play with, without making too much of a fuss.

this has as much to do with hygiene as with anything else

Last edited by Lechatchila Ariber on Mon, Nov 19 2007, 3:27 am; edited 1 time in total

↑ amother ↓

Sun, Nov 18 2007, 11:54 pm

OP here.
She's 9 years old but has been doing this since she was a baby, and it has reached such a level where she is unable to fall asleep without humping something. She even brings her teddy bears when going to sleep over by friends. She also sees nothing wrong with it, and has no problem going to "lie down" on the couch while the family continues having their shabbos meal. By the way, this isn't my kid, so it really isn't my business, but it really disturbs me to see it as I think it has totally go out of hand.

mimivan ↓

Mon, Nov 19 2007, 1:33 am

Tefila wrote:

1. All kids boys and girls explore Exclamation

Just casually ask then if they need the washroom and if not then they should not be doing that it's not tznius.

I think Tefilla's advice is the best so far.
While I understand that it is "normal" a child has to be told it is not tznius, gently...

I don't agree with timeout for it though, if the idea is to give it less attention.

OP, sounds like either the girl has not been given these boundaries because the parents are "afraid of making her feel ashamed" or at the other extreme, might have been punished too harshly for it, or chas v'shalom, if it is obsessive, I would ask questions. Is she a daughter of a friend? Member of the family...
It sounds out of hand to me too...
Nine is too old to be doing this this often...does she tell you about the teddy bears? or going to sleep?
I think a child psychiatrist (FRUM!!!) should be consulted..

↑ amother ↓

Mon, Nov 19 2007, 2:08 am

mimivan wrote:

OP, sounds like either the girl has not been given these boundaries because the parents are "afraid of making her feel ashamed" or at the other extreme, might have been punished too harshly for it, or chas v'shalom, if it is obsessive, I would ask questions. Is she a daughter of a friend? Member of the family...
It sounds out of hand to me too...
Nine is too old to be doing this this often...does she tell you about the teddy bears? or going to sleep?
I think a child psychiatrist (FRUM!!!) should be consulted..

I don't think the parents mind it at all, or see anything wrong with it. At least they don't let on that they do. Yes, this is family, and I have other reasons to MAYBE suspect that there might have been abuse, but first of all, I am not in a position to do anything and second, I don't have any actual proof.
Of course she speaks about the teddy bears. She sees nothing wrong with it. It feels good and it's what she does. If I had daughters though I would definatly not want her sleeping over cuz I'd be worried they would pick up on her behavior.

chanieTLS

Mon, Nov 19 2007, 3:05 am

If she is nine and doing it in public, couch, etc, she should be taught to stop or do it in her bedroom. A replacement behavior, playing with her hair or something like that can be taught. As for the abuse, you would have to explain more before anyone could relate the two.

↑ mimivan ↓

Mon, Nov 19 2007, 3:08 am

OP...
It's sad you suspect but feel you can't do anything about it...does anyone else have any ideas on how to approach it?

Not letting your daughters go to her house if very wise!! Wink

(since she also does it awake, I wouldn't limit it to sleepovers..)

↑ amother ↓

Mon, Nov 19 2007, 6:39 am

My daughter is 6 and does it too.I just discovered it, and I felt sick to see it. She doesn't know there is anything wrong with it so she does it in front of anyone who is in the room.
How do I talk to her about it? What do I say?

↑ greenfire

Mon, Nov 19 2007, 6:46 am

I think the most simplistic approach is to point out that this is something that can only be done in private - compare it to going to the bathroom ... not for public view ... and go further to teach them to wash their hands with soap after in the same manner after one goes to the bathroom - make it all a nice teaching lesson ...

and to the op as a relative yeah go ahead and step in ... sometimes that is what aunties are for ...