Rabbi names nanny who abused him as a child

amother

Scarlet ↓

Thu, Feb 07 2019, 9:11 am

Raisin wrote:

This is really brave of him to come forward. My takeaway is not that you shouldn't leave kids with nannies or hire non Jewish nannies. Unfortunately, Jewish, frum people do these things too. Rebbies in yeshivos, camp counselors, uncles, cousins, female principals of frum schools, therapists...these are just a few off the top of my head who have abused children.

I have a few thoughts:

1) He was able to survive this experience and move as well as he has because his abuser was not a frum person in authority. When a kid is abused by a rebbie, for example, his whole world shatters. The person who is teaching him torah and how to be a good Jew is doing this. This can obviously have a terrible effect on yiras shamayim.

2) Because the abuser was not frum he has not had to go through the additional trauma of being harassed and abused and disbelieved by members of the frum community, or watch while his abuser is given support and tzedaka.

Thank you, Raisin, for highlighting these two excellent points. Both of which add on so much trauma to an individual already highly traumatized

amother

Coral

Thu, Feb 07 2019, 9:12 am

amother wrote:

I hope more people step forward. We must stop strangers from raising our children.

I know there are several tuition threads lately, but I would like to respond to your comment by saying that ideally mothers should stay home with their young children. However, many of us have to work. It is borderline unfair to have 2 woman in the same position where one says, I have bills to pay including tuition so I have to work, and the other says that the working people will subsidize my tuition so I will stay home. It seems like you take the latter position.

amother

↑ Teal ↓

Thu, Feb 07 2019, 9:34 am

Cheiny wrote:

https://www.vosizneias.com/316094/2019/02/06/salt-lake-city-utah-chabad-rabbi-tells-court-that-nanny-s-xually-abused-him-as-a-child/

Just one more thing to think about when deciding whether to stay at home with your young kids...l

You lived a really charmed life if you think that its always a choice.

Ravenclaw

Thu, Feb 07 2019, 9:49 am

Cheiny wrote:

Also just one more thing to think about before...
...sending your kids to school, because you selfishly don’t want to homeschool
...letting your kids ride the bus
....sending your boys to shul
...letting your kids go to camp
...allowing your children contact with their siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles (most abuse happens by a close family member)

urban gypsy

Thu, Feb 07 2019, 10:13 am

I just wanted to link to the original article written by the reporter that broke the story:
https://www.deseretnews.com/ar......html

What a harrowing, heartbreaking and moving story. What I found really interesting was that it was only with the help of "secular" culture that this man was able to identify what happened to him and move forward with his healing... he was only able to figure out that he had been abused after watching an episode of Law and Order SVU, and he was moved to call the police and identify his abuser after hearing the gymnast Aly Reisman testify against her abuser. I can only imagine the isolation and confusion that a more sheltered frum person would experience in this situation. It's time to make changes in frum education for the sake of personal safety. This man is a hero for coming forward.

SixOfWands

Thu, Feb 07 2019, 10:26 am

chestnut wrote:

Do we also stop strangers from educating our children (abuse by teachers/rabbis/camp counselors)?

Do we also stop RELATIVES and FRIENDS from spending time with our children? (As we know, often abusers are people close to victims).

Do we stop using babysitters and day care centers?

What a weird take away from this article.

Make sure that your kids don't have friends, either. As many of 40 percent of children who are s-e-x-ually abused are abused by older, or more powerful children.

Also note that of those molesting a child under six, 50 percent were family members. Family members also accounted for 23 percent of those abusing children 12 to 17 years.

Kol hakavod to the rabbi who came forward. I wish him and his family much healing.

amother

Amethyst

Thu, Feb 07 2019, 10:54 am

amother wrote:

We SUPERVISE. Even if we need to rely on family members, friends, babysitters, etc. we need to keep our eyes and ears open at all times. We need to keep our finger on the pulse and never be too distracted!

I feel like posts like this point fingers at the parents as if it is chas veshalom their fault. Beyond normal vigilance, we have to just pray. No one can guarantee that nothing will happen to their children chas veshalom.

amother

↑ Salmon ↓

Thu, Feb 07 2019, 11:00 am

amother wrote:

Pray, and have lots of conversations with kids. So that even if something chvs happens once, they know what to think and how to approach their parents so it doesn't become an ongoing problem.

amother

Blue

Thu, Feb 07 2019, 11:39 am

Raisin wrote:

Both excellent points. I wonder if he would have come forward if the nanny had been Jewish. Sadly, I am thinking not.

amother

Seashell

Thu, Feb 07 2019, 11:40 am

Raisin wrote:

The bolded is exactly what I'm going through now with abusive STBX. How can we "wake up" everyone??

oliveoil

Thu, Feb 07 2019, 2:10 pm

Raisin wrote:

2) Because the abuser was not frum he has not had to go through the additional trauma of being harassed and abused and disbelieved by members of the frum community, or watch while his abuser is given support and tzedaka.

This. This is huge.

amother

Forestgreen ↓

Thu, Feb 07 2019, 2:18 pm

Cheiny wrote:

My toddler became dehydrated due to neglect by her frum babysitter. Does this mean that one should never hire a frum babysitter?

↑ shabbatiscoming ↓

Thu, Feb 07 2019, 2:19 pm

Cheiny wrote:

Cheiny, many just dont have a choice. We dont live hundreds of years ago when women minded the home and children and men went out in search of food. Times are more difficult and sometimes, most times, families need BOTH husband and wife to work in order to put food on the table, get braces, shop for clothing, in america pay for school. Its not so pashut as you seem to think.

weasley

Thu, Feb 07 2019, 5:43 pm

Cheiny wrote:

My husband was abused my his brother.

Just one more thing to think about when deciding whether to have more kids...

What

amother

Blonde

Thu, Feb 07 2019, 5:52 pm

As a survivor of s-xual abuse, also from the ages of 8-18 I can tell you this...My mother was a stay at home mom, she was almost always home when the abuse took place. Just not the first time...I was left alone with a close family member that she trusted while she ran out for a short while one day when I was home sick.

The most important thing I took away from my own experience is the same thing Rabbi Zippel points out ...

"Rabbi Zippel, now a father himself, said his past hasn’t made him overprotective, and he deeply trusts the nannies he and his wife employ for their two children, Menny, 3, and Menachem, 18 months. He said rather than becoming hypervigilant about protecting his kids, he has focused instead on creating a open, loving relationship with them.

“It’s given me kind of a wake-up call to provide the safest and most loving environment for my children possible, and to know that they will never be judged. That if anything happens to them, they will always have somewhere to turn,” he said."

I didn't feel that way in my home with my parents, and as a result, when the abuse happened, I was scared they wouldn't believe me, or believe me but choose the family member who did it over me.

Have open and honest conversations with your kids, let them know you will always believe them, that they should never be ashamed to come to you with anything. That their bodies belong to them and no one has the right to touch them if they don't wish it.