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Just for laughs!

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weasley ↓

Sun, Feb 18 2018, 5:38 am

Donald is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo,
when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This
startles the would be assassin and he is captured.
Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks,
“What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”
Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout “Donald, duck!”

Jewishfoodie ↓

Sun, Feb 18 2018, 8:34 am

Well, it is Adar, so...

A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force.

Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him.

After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi.

Just look at our cars.

There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt.

This must be a sign from God!"

Pointing to the sky, he continues, "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth."

The priest replies, "I agree with you completely.

This must surely be a sign from God!"

The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this!

Here's another miracle!

My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break.

Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune."

The priest nods in agreement.

The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.

The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest.

The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, Rabbi?"

The rabbi replies, "Nah... I think I'll wait for the police.

↑ Jewishfoodie ↓

Sun, Feb 18 2018, 8:53 am

And....

A lot of men turn into good drivers.

So if you're driving, watch out for turning men....

enneamom ↓

Sun, Feb 18 2018, 9:03 am

What bracha do you make on Haman?
.
.
.
.
Al ha'etz.
Clown

↑ enneamom ↓

Sun, Feb 18 2018, 11:05 am

enneamom wrote:

What bracha do you make on Haman?
.
.
.
.
Al ha'etz.
Clown

Forgot to add, it's a bracha acharona...

↑ Jewishfoodie ↓

Sun, Feb 18 2018, 3:23 pm

A priest was called to the scene of a possible suicide attempt.
"Please, Father, this man needs your help desperately!" the cops pleaded. "Hurry!"

The priest rushed to the bridge where the man had one foot over the side.

"I came to help", he told the desperate man.

"On your mark, get ready, get set, ...."

↑ Jewishfoodie ↓

Sun, Feb 18 2018, 3:27 pm

I googled "Rorschach test."

But all that came up were pictures of my parents fighting.

↑ Jewishfoodie ↓

Sun, Feb 18 2018, 3:38 pm

Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

↑ Jewishfoodie ↓

Sun, Feb 18 2018, 3:42 pm

Okay, this one's old but still makes me laugh..

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a woman next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!' The woman says:
'You go up there and give him a piece of your mind! He has no right to do that! . Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'

↑ Jewishfoodie ↓

Sun, Feb 18 2018, 3:49 pm

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

↑ Jewishfoodie ↓

Sun, Feb 18 2018, 4:16 pm

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?

Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

jewwoman ↓

Sun, Feb 18 2018, 5:37 pm

Two men were in the pub. One man said to the other, my mil is an angel. The other man replied, ur lucky, mine is still alive.

↑ Jewishfoodie ↓

Sun, Feb 18 2018, 6:24 pm

THE BOSS
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. "Hello ?"

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.
' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?'
The child whispered, ' No .'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?'

'Yes'

'May I talk with her?'
Again the small voice whispered, ' No '

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

' Yes , ' whispered the child, ' a policeman . '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,

'May I speak with the policeman?'

' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.
'Busy doing what?' asked the boss.

' Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried by the second, as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice..

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, ' The search team just landed a helicopter '

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

'ME.'

↑ Jewishfoodie ↓

Sun, Feb 18 2018, 8:32 pm

A WOMAN'S PRAYER:

I pray for:

Wisdom, To understand a man.

Love, To forgive him and;

Patience, For his moods.

Because if I pray for Strength

I'll just beat him to death.

↑ Jewishfoodie ↓

Sun, Feb 18 2018, 8:33 pm

In the spirit of ADAR, I have no problem being the only one writing here, but I like your jokes too...

simba ↓

Sun, Feb 18 2018, 8:39 pm

A SIL opens the door to greet his MIL who came to town.
SIL "welcome, how long are you here for"
MIL " as long as you would like me to stay"
SIL " why, you are not even going to come in and have a tea?"

↑ Jewishfoodie ↓

Sun, Feb 18 2018, 8:39 pm

UNUSUAL FUNERAL

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance
back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman was so curious that she respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said,

"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a really bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this.

Whose funeral is it?"

"My husband's." the woman replied.

"What happened to him?"

The woman said, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

↑ Jewishfoodie ↓

Sun, Feb 18 2018, 8:46 pm

THE DR. SAID WHAT?
A woman went to her doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"

↑ Jewishfoodie ↓

Sun, Feb 18 2018, 8:53 pm

It was Tanis Esther and a man had a huge infection on his big toe.

He went to his doctor who, after the examination, handed him a huge pill and told him to wait a moment while he went to get some water.

The man, refusing to break his fast on the water, valiantly chokes down the huge, disgusting medication before the doctor returned.

The doctor returned a moment later with a huge bucket of water and said,

"Okay! So drop the pill in here, let it dissolve, and soak your foot in it for half an hour..."

↑ Jewishfoodie ↓

Sun, Feb 18 2018, 9:03 pm

FUNNY BABY NAMES
When a woman found out that she was pregnant, she lit up the phone lines telling everyone the good news. One day later that week, she took her 4 year old son, Sam, out shopping. A woman asked the boy if he was excited about the baby. "Yes", he said. "I know what we're going to name it. If it is a girl, we're calling her Molly and if it is a boy, we're going to call it quits.

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