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Forum
-> Parenting our children
-> School age children
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amother
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 Sat, Aug 04 2007, 7:30 pm
Eleven-year-old girl. Wants to make plans with her friend. One day they decide to sleep over at friend's house. I say, I need to talk to friend's mother about this. Today she says tomorrow she's gonna go to friend while I'm away. (Sitter is gonna be here with my kids). I say I will discuss with friend's mother. She says, I'm a big girl and I'm allowed to make my own plans with my friend!
Really?
How much independence do I allow for at this age?
And how much do I need to set limits, for her own sense of security?
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chen
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Sat, Aug 04 2007, 8:24 pm
This is a decision only you can make. There are no universal rules. Depends on how mature dd is, how well you know the friend, how dd is going to get there, how strict or flexible your own child-rearing style is...but her response to you was a tad chutzpadik.
At her age she's capable of making her own initial plans, but she still ought to be asking your permission to carry them out.
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chocolate moose
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Sun, Aug 05 2007, 6:13 am
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She'd DEF growing up and testing the waters!
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Motek
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Sun, Aug 05 2007, 7:10 pm
11 years old?
My opinion: no way jose does she make her own plans without your prior approval.
And it's not for her own sense of security. It's because she's a little girl and not allowed to make her own plans yet, period. Sleep-overs are altogether questionable (there's another thread on that, be very wary about it).
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Ruchel
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Sun, Aug 05 2007, 7:24 pm
I agree with Motek. 11 is a kid, and well... in my book even teenagers have to ask first. Also, make sure she knows the chutzpa is not appreciated.
My parents were "a bit" paranoid about sleep overs, so more often than not I was the hostess, not the guest, especially before I was 14/15.
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Lechatchila Ariber
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Sun, Aug 05 2007, 7:24 pm
I agree.
Her response alone indicates that she is not mature enough to make her own decisions.
11 is certainly still a little girl, halachikly as well as legaly.
In all respects she still needs to ask your permission.
chocolate is probably right that she is testing you and you need to put your foot down gently but firmly and get some things straight with her.
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