Why are children not welcome at simchas??

Annie

Mon, Jul 16 2007, 9:20 pm

I think there's a big difference between in town and out of town simchas and close family vs. friends.

When a lot of people have to travel out of town and they pay for their children to make the trip, I think accomodations should be made for those children. If it's babysitters after the chupah, or a kids table, or whatever, if you want the parents at your event and their kids are young enough that they can't or won't travel without them, then you decide what you're willing to do.

Last year my nephew got married, my three kids were not invited to the wedding. We couldn't afford for all of us to fly to the wedding, so I flew in Sunday morning and back Monday morning. If they'd invited my kids (or even indicated that I could get a babysitter), I might have made the effort to bring them (drive instead of fly) and my dh could've come to the wedding too. That said, it was a very fancy wedding and my kids wouldn't have enjoyed themselves at all. however, had there been a sitter offered, and had the hotel been closer to where the wedding was, I might've considered it. (kosher food was also an issue, so it would've been more complicated with more family members)

This year another sister's son is getting married and it's a completely different story. First of all, the shabbos before she's made all sorts of amazing accomodations for everyone coming in town for the wedding and its not even her own town (it's the kallah's town). Additionally, she arranged babysitting for all the kids for after the chuppah in a playroom with an adjacent room for sleeping. What's nice about this is that because of the shabbos before, we all get to be together with all the cousins, but they have a nice place to be during the wedding after the chuppah.

Surprise, many more family (and their kids) are coming to this wedding because they feel welcome. Their kids still won't be at the reception and dinner, but wonderful accomodations were made, and no one feels like "I'm bringing my kids on a trip but they'll just be with a sitter."

That said, my kids' teachers have all seemed to get married this school year, so we've had a lot of weddings to go to. The kids get a big speech ahead of time about behavior, and usually what happens is that my dh comes, we are all their for the kabbalas panim and chuppah and then he takes the kids home (b/c usually I have a separate relationship with the girl). One time the kallah was an older sister of one of dd's friends, so she and I stayed.

I think it depends on your individual situation and whether you want your relatives with small children to come. I think it goes a long way to say "we'd prefer there were no children under 10 at the dinner, but there will be a list of babysitters, or a babysitting room, etc."

su7kids

Mon, Jul 16 2007, 9:30 pm

At my son's wedding which was in a remote place, we hired a babysitter and told the parents who insisted on their children being there, that their kids should stay with the babysitter.

Some did, but most did not.

The problem was, the boys were dancing rather wildly and got under the feet of the men dancers, who either tripped or had to make major detours around them.

I also noticed when they brought out the jump rope for the Chossen, this kid, who was NOT related to either the Chossen or the Kallah, decided that HE had to do the jumping, and no-one wanted to be rude to him or his family, let him jump and then put the jump rope away. I felt that my son was deprived of that part of the fun of his wedding, because this kid decided HE needed to be the center of attention, and his parents did NOTHING about it.

Kids cost money, kids get in the way, and unless you're siblings or first cousins of the Chossen and Kallah, or if its a breastfeeding baby, parents should have the decency and consideration to leave their kids home. Even if you come from a different country, unless you're closely related.

↑ downsyndrome

Tue, Jul 17 2007, 8:55 am

When we arrived to my daughter's wedding, before the actual simcha took off, I told the head waiter that I absolutely forbid any baby carriages in the wedding hall. He gave me a big thumbs up and a smile and he said, "Finally, we have somebody normal here in the community." and you know what? There were plenty of chutzpah'naks who brought babies in carriages and B'H they were told to leave them outside. No wonder my guests told me that it was one of the most elegant and pleasurable affairs they ever attended....

melalyse

Wed, Jul 18 2007, 6:24 am

The only time that I have ever brought my DS when he was an infant to a wedding was when we were out of town for a wedding and they didn't make accomodations for baby sitting. I had the worst time at these weddings.
1- I couldn't stay at the chuppah because I think that it is chutzpadik to wait until you baby starts cooing and crying and then you take them out. I would never bring a baby into the chuppah.
2- I couldn't stay inside at the dancing. The music is way too loud for an infant.
So basically I hung out in the lobby or bathroom. It was tons of fun.
I am also a big believer of once DS was 3 months old - in the crib at 7:00. Only in extreme circumstances I would take my son out at night.

Marion

Wed, Jul 18 2007, 7:02 am

We have a wedding (DH's first cousin) coming up after 9 Av. All the family weddings we've been to (on both sides, siblings and more distant cousins), the invitation has been for all of us. Because we didn't get a physical invitation, I called DH's aunt to RSVP. (I knew we weren't left off the guest list...I'm guessing it's still stuck in the mail which is on "strike".) And I ASKED her...is the invitation for 2 of us or for 3 (and a half) of us. She said that DS is welcome to come for the chuppah, but that no babies are invited for dinner. She also mentioned that we may prefer not to bring him at all as the hall is not so accessible with a stroller (lots of stairs and tight spaces). It's the first time we haven't taken DS to a wedding, and I'm really not sure what I'll do with him. One SIL is getting a sitter and leaving her daughter at my MIL's, but she has a car to get to and from. I'm thinking we'll just get a sitter at home, but that adds 3 hours of babysitting time & cost, which we can't really afford. And we don't have any nearby friends who can watch him at our place so as not to mess up his bedtime.

↑ raizy ↓

Thu, Jul 19 2007, 8:25 pm

I was talking about my own brothers wedding . not some niece or nephew . which I dont shelp everyone out of town for.but then my mil comes from over seas to the wedding so I do take as many kids as I can so she gets to see her grandchidlren once or 2 a year... it is still cheaper to go to ny then to go overseas to vist her.

my own brothers wedding I took everyone with. that how my family likes it. children are always welcome mess in all. and the more carriages the better.....

we had in our side alone 7 carriages. and with my double carriage.strolling around...

that not the problem. the problem is that in n.y u cant seem to get a decent babysitter for the sheve brachas nights. and that most pple dont invite children to sheva brachas.it was a big problem..

↑ miriamnechama ↓

Thu, Jul 19 2007, 8:53 pm

sarahd wrote:

For sure the mentality is different. I don't understand something - are your children are invited ("they say bring them") or not ("you pay the expenses our of your own pocket and then they kind a say why did you bring them")? Was the invitation to the whole family? If so, then it's certainly strange that they give you the impression they're not wanted. OTOH, if the invitation was only to you and your husband, then I can understand why they're not thrilled when the kids show up and start taking apart the buffet before the chupa (or whatever).

obviously when one comes in from abroad with the whole familly the whole familly is invited including children ie from israel to uk

↑ miriamnechama

Fri, Jul 20 2007, 2:21 am

For som ereason I stopped getting an email notification on this, so I haven't had the chance to read all the posts.

The reason I asked is because I'm brit amy dh's fam is israeli. most simchas I went to were from dh's side cousin's etc and I always bought my kids, no one said anything. rather they were all very happy and also accomodate meals for children, from the adutls menus. it's done in israel.

I took them to 2 chasuna's in london, my sister and my niece, and were welcome. but sheva brachos, when I saw how expensive babysitting was I had no choice but to split some of the evenings with dh, ie I went first for a bit while he babysat and then he went, or just he went and I didn't gp at all. actually by last sil's wedding I only went toio shabbos sheva brachos and that's it. thy were all out of town. then with this last wedding I felt it wouldn't be for them, and the expense of the tickets we left them behind. (it ended up being a fancy wedding)

but once I was invited to an engagement and the mother said, bring your kids... at the affair I felt like she was saying to me why did you bring them?? well I didn't know it would be a fancy affair but what could I do, I felt bad in some ways and after awhile I left.

I basically decided now that I will only take them to affairs of close fam, not always, cause sometimes I can't make a bar mitzva but friends and neighbours I won't take them to.

funny mil told me she has a wedding that they want me there as well but they said clearly no kids. I said no thabks it also too far out. then I realized I have a good neighbours bar mitzva that night so dh will go out of town to the wedding and I'll croiss the street from my house to the bar mitzva and kid will be in bed.

but I still think you want kids, make it child friendly and show that you want them then the mother doesn't go home with a sour taste like I had at the engagement.

ps when sister go married ds had a kids bag that kept him busy... and by niece, so they ate with dh and me. no kids bags then.

also I do feel that children should attend simchas at some point, otherwise how will they know what eg a chasuna is like?? but on the other hand I now have my limits, ie that doesn't mean that I'll take them to every bris, bar mitzva or chasuna under the sun even if eldest ds started asking me "why are you in shabbos clothes?" on a regular evening.

↑ raizy

Sat, Jul 28 2007, 10:36 pm

what makes a child "well behaved" and what makes a child "not well behaved"

it all in the eyes of the beholder.

some pple think it is cute when nieces and nephews dance with the chusson and kallah. some dont.
some pple think it cost to much money children. but yey these children grow up and they are yours truely free babysitter for your children for many yrs to come. think of it as an investment.

and some kallah in my mind are just a tad to ego centric. selfish and mean. your sisters and brothers came to your wedding give them all the respects and honour. let them enjoy the simchas too. its their simcha too. they practicly raised u till your chuppah day. etc. and the kids . let the kids be kids and let them enjoy the chasahna. we had tons of kids and no the kids did not "ruin" the wedding . o.k. the wall was a huge and had lots of space. so even 20 carriages didnt look so bad.