Why are children not welcome at simchas??

miriamnechama ↓

Mon, Jul 16 2007, 4:04 am

I always feel like this by a chutznik simcha. I feel that children are not welcome, I do'nt know if it has to do with the simcha being fancy made or I don't know what, but I always get these stares, or comments, like "watch your child" " don't touch the food ie the bar we need it for photos" ( what is it there for photo's or looking at or eating??!!) etc.

1. I don't see why people need to make simchas soo elegant that you that your child can't be there, and you feel soo out of place. I was told that children have to learn to ee what a simcha is ie a chasuna etc. BH we don't really get that in israel.

2 baalei simchas ofetn dopn't realize, you make the effort, they want the kids to come, to pay a hefty air fair to come in and then you hear things like ok children can come to the chguppa but not dinner no meal for them and they can't come for sheva brachos no room. so you feel why did I spend all that money on tickets, now I have to pay more money for baby sitting. ( taht's one of the reasoins I left the boys behind thsi time round and went just with dh)

or it's get out of pictures etc,

you get the idea now what io'm trying to get at, but why is it tah children are so unwelcome. maybe one shouldn't make the bar over extravagant but more inviting for children..

there are places that have a childrens table with kids food but not every place. I see this attitude especially in England, is it like that every where??

in Israel you have children every where at a simcha and are always welcome. ( when my sil got married they gave me extar portions) I had that by other simchas but haven't seen it in England or any where else. ie no such thing as food for children etc.

happyone

Mon, Jul 16 2007, 4:15 am

Baal Simchas and guest usually don't mind children if they are mannered and not running around with greasy hands all over the place. It gets annoying when parents bring children and then sit down for the night totally leaving the kids to run around, play with water, and mess up all the tables. A simcha is not a baseball field or park, and someone making a simcha has a right to enjoy their simcha. I've been to a simcha where a child shut the lights, "for the fun of it!", heard of children playing with the fire alarm during a wedding, seen children play with water and flood the washing station etc.. If parents would have control over their children, you would'nt get that feeling.

On the other hand, I've attended a wedding where they prepared a childrens table with fun things to eat like french fries, and had goodie bags for the kids including little toys to keep them busy. I don't think it's a general thing.

I've seen baal simchas set up a 'babysitting room' at the wedding hall, which is really nice.

↑ miriamnechama ↓

Mon, Jul 16 2007, 4:36 am

may be I see it in England because the English are more proper in a way. and what about the expense of the airline ticket does that not count?? they say bring them you pay the expenses our of your own pocket and then they kind a say why did you bring them?? it's a feeling of why did I spend thousands of dollars on an airline ticket... not that my boys are not well behaved.. they are but that's the feeling I get alot of times when I'm in London or surrounded by english affairs.

no one cares in israel if children run around... maybe it's also maintality of the country??

morningstar ↓

Mon, Jul 16 2007, 4:46 am

1. If you are not a member of the immediate family, or an extremely close friend of the ba'al simcha, having children simply makes the cost of the wedding go through the roof. Often, caterers charge per seat, whatever the age. Paying thousands of dollars for young children can feel wasteful.

2. If the simcha is late at night, most young children (except for closest family, whose parents have asked them to nap in the afternoon, etc) will be overtired, bored and miserable past a certain point.This means neither children, parents, nor guests are very happy. For most young children, attending a kabbalat panim/ chuppah is very exciting: usually, they are welcome to eat and attend, they get to see some "action"--and then are fine going home.

3.What is most disruptive is parents who feel they deserve to enjoy the simchah and do not supervise the children or respect the needs of the others present. You cannot expect the ba'al simcha to spend the evening running around keeping the children out of trouble and suitablly occupied. (This can happen, by the way, even if the hosts provide babysitting, as some parents don't want while their child to "miss" the simcha,even though they also don't want to spend the simcha watching their child.

In sum, a parent should only bring a child to a simcha if the parents is prepared to take responsibility for the child all evening.

sarahd

Mon, Jul 16 2007, 4:47 am

For sure the mentality is different. I don't understand something - are your children are invited ("they say bring them") or not ("you pay the expenses our of your own pocket and then they kind a say why did you bring them")? Was the invitation to the whole family? If so, then it's certainly strange that they give you the impression they're not wanted. OTOH, if the invitation was only to you and your husband, then I can understand why they're not thrilled when the kids show up and start taking apart the buffet before the chupa (or whatever).

↑ morningstar

Mon, Jul 16 2007, 4:53 am

No question that when you have small children, it can be more difficult to attend simchas. I agree that it is likely not to be worth the ticket to bring your children along when you are traveling out of country except in the case of closest family. Mothers of small children skip many simchahs because when all the logistics are taken into account, it is just not worth the hassle.

Mimisinger ↓

Mon, Jul 16 2007, 5:00 am

I live in the US and had a "big fancy" wedding and we INVITED kids - the kids had their own seats and they were served kids food, which most caterers will do. If your kids were not invited, it's not right to bring them. We felt that kids are a part of simchas and we want children and that's a part of marriage for us so we wanted them there. On the other hand, I wish some parents would have stepped in b/c literally half of the time at the meal if not more, I had a child's hand in mine, when dancing and walking around. Possibly more than half the time. There are so many pictures of me with little girls all over me when I should have been dancing with friends or talking with family. They want to be with the kallah, but their parents should have told them enough was enough.

mimivan

Mon, Jul 16 2007, 5:02 am

Quote:

In sum, a parent should only bring a child to a simcha if the parents is prepared to take responsibility for the child all evening.

That is so true, and I've noticed the difference in dealing with diff. people within E.Y... If its a party for Anglos, I know I need a babysitter and if its a party for Israelis, I can bring them (not 100% true but nearly)

Didn't say simchas, because I haven't had problems bringing my kids to any kind of wedding here...smaller parties, sometimes

Raisin ↓

Mon, Jul 16 2007, 5:05 am

At all english weddings I've been to, including my own, children were very welcome to come to the kabbolos panim and chuppa (the kabbalas panim at english weddings is usually very nice, with lots of food). At the dinner children of immediate family was welcome - even if badly behaved! Lots of people hire a babysitter to look after their kids at the hall.

At my brothers wedding (in the us) there were so many kids, just from the family, the mother orginised special kids meals in a box - something like a hot dog, with a drink and a dessert. The kids and their parents were happy because they like that food, and the baal simcha was happy, much cheaper.

I am very surprised to here that you flew with your kids and they were not welcome at the dinner. shock

(Unless perhaps you have 15 kids?) Was this a cousin, a friend or a sibling?

As for Sheva brochos, that is usually up to the hosts - they often do not have large houses. (ALthoug I think it is nice if the host can invite children) It maybe that there were lots of kids besides yours, and if they said yes to yours, that would mean 20 more kids they would have to invite.

greenfire ↓

Mon, Jul 16 2007, 5:30 am

I think there's a fine balance between inviting kids and not inviting them ... close friends and family should be invited ... and some baale simcha mind kids while others do not ... wild hefker kids are never any fun for anybody, probably including their own parents ... I was at a family simcha where my niece was invited, but not my kids - I was a little sore but tried to understand (and she was only 2 years older) - that same family different sibling invited my kids - so it is really a hostess call ... I personally think that kids are part of the world and we should include them in our lives - and definately parents should keep an eye on their own kids ...

as far as sheva brochos - you don't have to go to every one - stay home with the kids and have fun so that they are not feeling left out ... especially if they are in a home vs. a hall there is just not enough room I guess ...

theweddingplaner

Mon, Jul 16 2007, 5:51 am

hi I plan Bh lots of weddings some of them I get payed but mostly I pay them to get married ie I run hachnoss kallah org catering for kids is around 1/3 of what adult food and when people have no money they want to save money but they really want your child to come
we always have a kids table which I try to put it as close to the mothers
but lots of time the kids dont sit there by themselves I have to remind them where they sit
also I dont think parents tell their kids where they are going to sit since most of the weddings have kids table parents should tell them before they come this is what is happing

↑ amother ↓

Mon, Jul 16 2007, 7:51 am

There are a few reasons I see that kids shouldnt be there but the last thing I want to hear is Adults want to enjoy themselves. You want to enjoy yourself go out to restaurant, pay your way. Dont come to a simcha and expect to have quiet and enjoyment thats not the reason you are there.

Mrs. XYZ ↓

Mon, Jul 16 2007, 8:07 am

DefyGravity wrote:

I don't understand why the kids SHOULD be invited to the wedding.

If my mother is invited to a wedding, should I automatically be invited if I have nothing to do with either the chassan or kallah?

I assume everyone is talking about immediate close family. yes kids should go to their uncle/aunts wedding, and I think first cousins too. Further than that, I would not bring my kids even if they were invited unless we're really close.

downsyndrome ↓

Mon, Jul 16 2007, 8:11 am

Oh, OP, you are going to hate me for this, but I will say it the way I feel it. I think children under a certain age do not belong at simchas. Simchas should have decorum and flow and schedule. All of these go against the nature of children. Children belong at birthday parties! Would you enjoy sitting through a kids' birthday party? How can we expect children to sit through adult events? Does a child's mind understand the seriousness of a chupah? Why should they be quiet and listen to a whole series of brochas, kesubah, etc. What does it mean to them?
When I make a simcha my rule is: children under age 10 are NOT invited! My husband's family likes to bring babies that just exited their mommy's womb, but they know that when I do a simcha they are NOT welcome. Boruch Hashem, whatever simchas I have hosted, have been with derech eretz, discipline, scheduling, appropriate noise levels, no children's sticky fingers touching all the guests attire, no messy shmorgasboards, no running around, etc. Guests have always commented how much they enjoyed those simchas. And you know what? It's really all an attitude from the guests' perspectives. I have been a parent for close to 22 years B'H, with children ranging in all ages and stages. Never, ever, have I taken a young child to a simcha and I have always been able to arrange babysitting, whether it was for a local simcha, or even an out-of-town simcha.Where there's a will, there's a way.

↑ DefyGravity ↓

Mon, Jul 16 2007, 8:12 am

People shouldn't expect to use a simcha as a night out, but if I was the person that spent money on the simcha (ie., it was my daughter's wedding and I spent thousands), I'd be very annoyed to hear that people brought their uninvited children who proceeded to make noise during the chuppah and cause trouble while people were trying to eat. (or whatever it is that kids do).