Do you bring something when invited out?

rise above

Sun, Dec 10 2006, 11:08 am

ceo wrote:

I am quite suprised by some of these responses. I hope this doesn't sound harsh, because I know some of you and you are really lovely people--Honestly- if it bothers ppl so much that their guests don't bring something over, then perhaps don't invite guests. It sounds you are doing the mitzvah begrudgingly, almost as if you have less simcha out of it b/ you are not recieving what you consider to be proper hakaras hatov for it.

If a guest doesn't properly thank me for my hospitality- that's THEIR issue. I know that I did a mitvah, and how they do their part is their business.

Mishie

Tue, Dec 12 2006, 3:45 am

I ALWAYS bring something when we eat out. (even when we go to my In-laws or to my Parents...)
I usually bake something special to bring over.
One YomTov I was way too nautious to even step foot in my kitchen, so we stopped by the bakery and got a blueberry-pie to give our hosts.

Sometimes I really go out of my way (even a little too much).
10 days after I had my 4th baby, we went to my In-laws for a 2 day YomTov (Shavuos). and CRAZY me - I actually baked 2 Cheese-Cakes and a Quiche to bring over.
What was I thinking?!?!? Rolling Eyes

It took so much effort out of me, and they didn't even appreciate it... Sad

This past Shabbos we had a family over for Dinner. They didn't even say: "Thank You" when it was time to leave.... shock

When we were very little, my Mom trained us (my sibs and I) to go into the kitchen, where the hostess was, and Thank her for the Delicious Food!!! I taught my kids to do the same
I think it's rude not to thank the hosts after all the hard work they've done.
Don't you agree?

TunaFish

Tue, Dec 12 2006, 4:29 am

We always plan to, and somehow we often have too hectic a day on Friday and forget. I think we've bought gifts for a few hosts, though - really nice long-lasting gifts. And if we sleep over, we always leave a nice note.

As far as expecting from others - we never gave it a thought. We've had a few guests that brought wine or cake, and it's always a big surprise.

amother ↓

Tue, Dec 12 2006, 10:42 am

When it's s/o really close that often we invite e/o b/c one had a hard week then we would each be upset with the other for bringing a gift when we wanted to help out.To others, always bring. Usually flowers, candy, wine, or homemade cake. It also depends on my week . If I'm not making Shabbos then I will use Fri to fit in extra things & don't always have time to bake.

YALT

Mon, Jan 22 2007, 3:53 pm

when I was single, I always brought something to my hosts. with the exception of ppl I went to very often. I would bring them s/t once in a while, and then for Purim, Chanukah, etc... I'd give them something extra nice.
Once I got married, I would always bring s/t. DH used to say, "they don't want a/t! Just a bottle of wine, if u insist! Ppl don't want baked goods. What if they don't trust your hechsher."
Slowly I got lazy, and would just bring wine.
Now DH wants to know why I don't bring s/t homemade - he says he sees how they appreciated it more.
The way I look at it: They cooked a whole shabbos meal for u. It's not cheap! Can't u afford atleast $10 for their work?!?
Anyways, ever since I've been making shabbos, I've NEVER gotten anything from any guests.
But, atleast they eat up my food (so we don't throw it away on Monday) and they add some ambiance to the table.

Squash ↓

Mon, Jan 22 2007, 4:11 pm

YALT wrote:

But, atleast they eat up my food (so we don't throw it away on Monday) and they add some ambiance to the table.

So funny. I thought I was the only ones who loved the guests that ate tons!! It's nice not to have leftovers. My favorite guests are the ones who "lick their plates clean".

↑ amother ↓

Mon, Jan 22 2007, 7:48 pm

I try to send over something I cooked if going to eat by someone. I also send it with the message that they can eat it at any meal they want to. They don't have to serve it at the meal we were invited to.

Just a note to those who bring wine. My DH is an alcoholic (in denial) and we dont bring wine into the house. It becomes very awkward for us if a guest comes bearing wine. No one knows his problem, and we are not going to tell anyone, but neither will we serve that wine.

↑ amother

Tue, Jan 23 2007, 3:56 pm

what do pple thing about when your eating out by relatives (sister in law) is it necessary to bring something. we went to myl sister in law for all four meals on rosh hassnah I was on bed rest after being in the hospital the whole week b/4 trying to stop labor. my husband got them a fruit basket worth 60$ I thought just a bottle of wine would be fine. I mean we would have done the same for them and not expected soemthing in return (my sis- in - law does only family where we live. what would u have done.) also pple you go to often what would you do often being like once a month

Seraph

Mon, May 07 2007, 8:18 am

Last year, when I was going out all the time to strangers for shabbosim, I would try my very best to bring something at least the first time I came. If I was going to a friend, maybe I'd bring (depending on the status of my bank account), but if it was a friend of a freind that I'd never met before- I thought it was neccesary to bring a gift of hakaras hatov.

Nowadays, I don't really bring a gift when I go to my mothers, I used to bring a gift when I went to my FIL's, however I realized that flowers were a waste because they always have 3 or 4 huuuge boquets in the living/dining room anyhow every shabbos, and they had to hunt around for an extra vase to put my meager flowers in. And wine they wouldn't appreciate. When I go to my MIL, I try to bring something. Same goes for my SIL. But I don't always bring.

However, first time my dh and I go somewhere, I try to bring a gift- but sometimes its tough. For example- my next door neighbor- her husband sells quality wines, and she always has a big boquet of flowers for shabbos- so what do I bring her? I'm not good at baking goodies- so I brought a fruit salad. Diff neighbor- they're caterers- they don't need my food, and I dunno about wine. Flowers they have a ton of exotic ones... So I bought them a nice little glass serving dish...

As for people bringing me gifts- if you wanna do it, its really sweet. But don't overdo it! Someone came the other week and brought a million and a half gifts, and I felt very uncomfortable...

mimivan

Mon, May 07 2007, 8:36 am

When I was first married and my husband was getting used to my cooking (I"m not a bad cook, he just has a Sephardic palette. I learned that instead I should try to imitate his mother's cooking-- a tremendous feat--rather than waiting him to get used to my specialties!) In any case, my husband wasn't liking what I was cooking and I felt so insecure. We had Moroccan guests and the woman brought the fish, some salads, another dish. I was embarrassed

I should have been grateful, but I felt so insecure!!
Now, I wouldn't mind.
I think flowers, candy, dessert, drinks and wine (or grape juice) are good things for a guest to bring. Prepared food wasn't so great for my shalom bayis, because I saw him devour her fish and felt Twisted Evil

Now b'h I can make decent Moroccan fish!
And anyway, when it comes to gifts, it is the thought that counts!!

chen ↓

Mon, May 07 2007, 9:01 am

We always bring something, whether we're coming for a meal or for a whole shabbos, even if it's the 20th time we're going there. the only exceptions are our parents, although since mil lives in an area without a heimish grocery, we usually bring some heimish brand or Israeli novelty products when we go there. Not so much as a "hostess gift" as something for her to enjoy that she doesn't normally have access to.

Our children also know that it's appropriate to bring somethign when they go to someone's house for shabbos lunch or overnight. We keep a small stock of giftable things around so we're not stuck if there is a last-minute invite. This can be anything from a cake or kugel from my freezer (accompanied by the recipe) to a bottle of wine, a novelty kitchen item or a fragrant bath set.

yedidya's mom ↓

Mon, May 07 2007, 9:37 am

I have the opposite issue.
my husband is in avodas hakodesh and we have a lot of guests almost every week. ppl say- what can we bring. I say "nothing" and actually MEAN it but they still feel the need to bring something. flowers are great, candy is also bec. I put it out with dessert and some ppl bring toys for the kids. but most of the time ppl bring bottles of wine. for the last 6 months we've been averaging abt 3 bottles a week and we usually drink only one at the meal, if that. as you can imagine I now have over 30 bottles of wine sitting in my cabinet and it doesn't stop...
I dont know what to do! im running out of room and its getting kind of ridiculous. so now when ppl ask me what they should bring, should I say "please dont bring wine" or tell them that candy or flowers would be good. I really really dont need anything but I need to find a way to tell them in a nice way to go easy on the wine...