SIL inviting herself for shabbos. Mikvah Friday night. WWYD?

↑ mommyla

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 3:24 pm

bluebird wrote:

What do you want here? Actual advice or validation to not have her visit?

OP obviously wants to be validated. She's said that she likes the replies encouraging her to say no.

OP, you don't want to have her. We get that. But you need to realize that life isn't always about what you want, especially when you're dealing with family members. A little sacrifice once in a while won't kill you. Be nice and invite her, or don't - but don't expect people to tell you that it's perfectly fine not to have her. It is just not nice not to invite her.

Don't "slip out" or spring the babysitting on her - plan ahead. Call her and say that you're delighted that she's coming, and you need to run out to do xyz after candle lighting, so can she please babysit for an hour? Thanks.

That's all it takes. Seriously, listen to everyone who's telling you not to wreck your relationship with her, or in a couple of years you'll be here complaining that your SIL doesn't like you and never helps you out when you need her to.

wiki ↓

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 4:06 pm

If this SIL is so excited to come and the baby is her only niece/nephew who she never sees, she'd probably be thrilled to do some babysitting! You can even tell her that this quality time with the baby (and your quality time AWAY) is her hostess present or something.

If your three-person family is in a small one-bedroom apartment, make sure to find someone else to host her for sleeping. SHE doesn't want to hear the baby at night either!

It is plenty reasonable (and not impolite) to kick her out at 8 pm on Friday night because you're both ready to crash.

↑ amother ↓

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 4:10 pm

Why does she need to babysit at all? Why doesn't the dh stay home? He can complain of a headache or leg cramp or something.

The sister barely knows the baby, I don't think its a good shidduch to leave them alone. How old is the baby anyway? Baby might be scared and bawling.

↑ bluebird

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 4:23 pm

Two suggestions to meet your need for privacy and her NEED to spend time with her FAMILY.

1. Be honest. Tell her that Friday night you have a personal engagement and that you can't meet. Ask if she minds staying overnight with a neighbor, then you will spend Saturday with her. And mean it.

2. Be honest. Tell her that this Shabbat will not work due to a personal engagement, but that you would love to spend a different shabbat with her. Suggest a date, and book a hotel. And go, no excuses, even though it is far.

She's family, she's keeping in touch and being a loving family member. The absolute least you can do is spend time with her instead of treating her like an unwanted interloper.

↑ amother ↓

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 4:40 pm

Hi, this is a really tough situation.

Like others have said, you CAN do it, you just need to figure out how to do it, and how to do it (semi) happily.

Perhaps you and DD can take off a day of work to make up for your alone time. While some may balk at using a precious day off for this purpose, the goal of sholom in family is so important that it may be worth it.

Think of how else you can sweeten this for yourself - some chocolate, take out food etc Anything that makes you and your DD happy......

Also, I'm wondering if you are spreading yourself too thin. It took me a few years to realize that I was spreading myself too thin. When I slowed down, I was able to handle tough spots more easily.

↑ amother ↓

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 5:04 pm

I had a similar situation once a few years back . I got around the issue by telling my visiting friend that I had to step out to help watch a friends kids while said pretend friend supposedly went to mikvah herself and needed her DH to walk back with her with her (I told her I had agreed beforehand and could not back out) . White Rabbi approved lie Very Happy

My sister went to a "shalom Zahor" on a similar sudden guest on Mikvah night situation.

It was just fine,she did not feel bad ,I planned the meal in advance ,made yummy desserts,salads and food and rested as much as possible and we had a great time together . We did not do the mitzvah while she was over as DH and I simply can't relax with someone else wondering about our small space (we are paranoid like that and feel is untznius and inconsiderate around a single friend) . But since we really wanted to host her and make her stay pleasant a hug and kiss was enough to tie us over till she left Wink

↑ amother ↓

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 6:04 pm

Butterfly wrote:

OP what is your husband's input in all this?

He doesn't want to have her if I go Friday night. He said he has no problem telling her it's a bad week. As it's his family I told him it's up to him to decide and I'll go along with whatever he wants.

For the other comments--yes, I do spread myself too thin at work but it's not optional at this point. I need to pay the bills. I get home after midnight on Thursday and Fridays are crazy hectic and it will be my first time going Friday night which will make it even harder and I wouldn't be able to make quite as simple a Shabbos.

I'm not worried about her hearing things she'd only be coming if we found a place for her to stay.

In terms of both taking a sick day we don't have that option. I don't get any sick days. I also don't have a regular schedule and this month it worked out that I worked nights while I was tahor and I'm off more while nida. It's frustrating.

Yes, I'm liking the validating posts and I don't want her that particular Shabbos. I do like her though it's nothing personal about not wanting her then. Like I said, it's dh's sister so I'm letting him make the call. I'm not going to insist on having her when we both don't want her. It's just ironic that I'm sure she'll think it's my fault when he says it's not a good week.

cooksallday

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 7:14 pm

I haven't read the rest of the thread, but 4 hours is not such a big deal for her to come again to visit. I would not push off mikva! 48 hours is a big deal! Especially for newlywed. Obviously you can't tell her, but just say you have a commitment, sorry but your marriage comes before her! Maybe she can stay somewhere else at night and eat lunch with you. say the nighttime is not good you have previous plans and she should hopefully understand! Good luck!

amother wrote:

OP. So she is from out of town but not that out of town that she can't come another week (about four hour trip). She in a program a little farther away this year and will likely only see the baby on holidays (Purim and pesach coming up) for this year. We did not say no last time it didn't work out on her end. Also, I don't want to push off mikvah. 48 hours is an incredibly long time for me. I'm fairly newliwed and really struggle with this mitzvah. I also work crazy hours making the 12 days Im left with more like 6. Also, dh was going to walk with me. I'm not offering to walk alone. I was liking the beginning of this thread better lol when everyone was saying I should say no!

↑ amother ↓

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 8:26 pm

amother wrote:

DH can't stay home because I don't feel safe walking alone. We were planning on taking the baby with us but can't exactly do that if she comes. The problem is her (wonderful) personality. She is up for adventure and would love nothing more than to join us on the family walk (though may like staying home with the baby a bit less) or to join me at whatever I'm doing. That will make it hard to get away without her.

Either way, it's Dhs sister so ultimately I'm leaving it up to him and looks like he's going to tell her no if our calculations turn out as planned.

↑ amother ↓

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 8:43 pm

I would be beyond insulted if when I was single (and possibly unaware of Fri night mikvah situations) my brother called me up and said its not going to work out.you should not do that. that can cause bad feelings for years. invite her to come after shabbos starts I dont see what the big deal is. why do you need her to come so soon after candlelighting? rush to mikvah with your DH, make am. appt and rush back. host her and be gracious. treat her like you would like to be treated!!! you are not married for two months that you need to be all on top of each other- cope and deal with it in a mature way like we all do

↑ amother ↓

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 8:49 pm

amother wrote:

She can't walk the hour drive after candle lighting so it's either all or nothing. We're trying to get a room at a neighbor for her to stay by as we don't have anywhere for her to sleep. Without a host having her is out of the question.

↑ amother ↓

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 9:09 pm

amother wrote:

so definitely whats the big deal. you needed. host whether going to mikvah or not. not sure why it affects you to go mikvah. just tell her to come over for meal an hour after candlelighting amd have Dh set table so everythings ready

She'd be staying by someone she doesn't know and has no interest in getting to know. She wants to come to spend time with her brother and niece which is by us. We can't tell her to just come for the meals. Neighbor who may be willing to put her up is not inviting her as their guest they'd JUST be providing a bed.

↑ morah

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 9:28 pm

amother wrote:

So what's the big deal of an extra hour on Friday night? She can stay till 9 or 10 pm Friday night, come the second she wakes up in the morning, and stay the whole Shabbos. All you need to ask is that she not come over Friday night until the time that the men are coming home from shul. One extra hour that she needs to stay out of the way can hardly be called "just coming for meals". Sorry, it sounds like you are looking for reasons for this not to work out. Not cool.

Dandelion1

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 9:33 pm

I feel like this type of attitude kind of distorts the concept of mikvah, or rather, creates an attitude where other mitzvos are being lost in the shuffle as a result. It's like the posts where someone is asking should they skip some family member's wedding because it is mikvah night. I have trouble believing that this is the mitzvah's intended consequences.... running out of a family member's once in a life time simcha, telling an sil that she is not welcome to come for shabbos, whatever, in order to have z-x that night instead of a day later. I know that we try to portray mikvah night as something unquestionably holy, and of course that is an aspect of it, but let's call a spade a spade.... it's z-x. It's wonderful, let's enjoy, but please, some perspective!

Early in my marriage, when I too lived in a small little apartment, due to family circumstances we had frequent long term guests staying by us. I hated it, and it was very hard, and created many challenges. But it was the right thing to do. And so we did it. Who ever said that life is always about doing exactly what you would most enjoy?

↑ amother ↓

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 9:43 pm

aleph wrote:

If we're calling a spade a spade it is more than just s ex and it is for an entire Shabbos of the grand total of two I get a month (rest of the week we hardly see each other). And it's not like this is the only month something will come up. Sometimes we have to visit our parents etc. It's not like it's a one time occurrence in 52 weeks.

Am I the only one who has times I don't want a guest? Do you all always say yes no matter how difficult it is for you?