SIL inviting herself for shabbos. Mikvah Friday night. WWYD?

wispalover ↓

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 9:32 am

amother wrote:

The title says it all. SIL is single and never came to visit. We have a baby (the only grandchild on dhs side) that she never sees. She is part of a program that is bringing her locally for a week and they can stay with the program or go wherever they want for shabbos (I don't think she will have the chance to visit at any other time during the week). I feel terrible telling her it is a bad week but even if I could get over her figuring out where I'm going (ummmm, where would we be disappearing to and leaving her all alone right after candle lighting?? She may not figure it out because she is single but it will seem quite rude) but I also really don't want her being there mikvah night. We have a small one bedroom apartment and would have to find somewhere to put her up and can't exactly ask her to go back to bed 6pm when the seudah is over (and quite frankly when we go to bed these days on Friday night). On the one hand I feel like I have to suck it up because she never asks but on the other hand I know that it doesn't have to be a good week for me just because she happens to be in the neighborhood. I have a REALLY hard time with nida so yes, the extra day would be a big deal. A very big deal. WWYD?

I agree with what someone else said. Say that you are finding her somewhere to stay and to make sure she does not need to walk back alone Friday night, you are going to ask them to host her for Friday night. Maybe try and find someone with a similar aged boy/ girl and then she won't be alone.

↑ amother ↓

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 9:48 am

wispalover wrote:

Why would she want to eat and sleep with strangers? I'd be so angry if my sil suggested this.
Anyway, maybe she has other friends she can go to if the op isn't hosting. I ddidnt get the impression she desperately needs a bed for the night, but rather that she wants to see family.

↑ amother ↓

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 9:52 am

What part of the situation are you not happy with?
That she will figure out you are going to mikve?
That you won't have DH to yourself the whole shabbat?
That you won't be able to get to bed at 6pm?
That she might hear you having sx?

IMO these are all issues that you can figure out.

You asked for people's opinions and you got them!
If you don't want to have her, say no, but just be aware that there may be implications.

Signed as one who has been to the mikve Motzei Rosh hashana (first time after our wedding and after being at my in-laws for chag!), friday night at the in-laws, friday night when we had DH's sister and her family of 3 over, and who conceived a baby 2nd day pesach at in-laws house!
And as far as I know or care, no one was any the wiser!

↑ luppamom ↓

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 10:07 am

Also, put yourself into her situation. Shouldn't be that hard as you said that you are newly-married. She is traveling 4 hrs. away for her Shabbaton and yay! it's the same city as her favorite brother and only niece! Wow, this is going to be so much fun! She is very excited and can't wait. Then, brother calls her and says, "It's not a good week for me and Shprintze." either w/ no other explanations or things that sound like petty excuses or lies. She will probably think that you don't like her (which seems to be the case) and will be very sad. (I would be if I were her.)
If having to be inconvenienced is really the end of the world for you, then maybe I understand. But, if not, there are so many ways to have both, w/ a little bit of compromise on your part. If you do your best and she or the neighbor finds out, WHO CARES! Anyway, there are ways that you can not involve the neighbor if this really bothers you. Ex. Yay! You finally have a babysitter when DH is home! You work so hard. Can you please walk DH to shul and maybe on the way back go visit a friend and DH will pick you up on the way back since it is dark? Could SIL watch DD? From what you wrote, it sounds like SIL is the type that wouldn't mind doing this.

↑ wispalover

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 10:12 am

amother wrote:

You are correct, however this isn't how we would feel it's trying to help OP find a solution. I personally just would not go to mikva that night. Doesn't seem to be an option for OP though.

mommyla ↓

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 10:58 am

OP, you'll have lots of time to spend with your husband, and lots more mikvah nights. You don't have too many chances to make your SIL feel like you like her.

It's obvious to me that you don't want her to come as you're not willing to make it work - just think about how obvious it would be to her. Suck it up for one night and have her come. It's not worth ruining a relationship over one early Friday night.

I have a single SIL who I dislike. She invited herself for Shabbos when we were married for a grand total of six weeks and didn't even have a guest room or couch - she slept on the floor. I wasn't happy about it, but sometimes you need to sacrifice for family.

Get over it and let her come. Who cares if she figures it out? It's not that hard to find an excuse, and it's not that hard to be quiet in bed. And you'll have plenty more days to spend with your husband.

↑ amother ↓

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 11:03 am

amother wrote:

I guess I'm most annoyed with the fact that I have to have her because its a good week for her and don't get to take into account that its a very bad week for me. In terms of her coming I'd hate not having dh all Shabbos. We barely see each other during the week and Shabbos is our main quality/cuddle time (yes, I know when baby is older we won't have that but we are enjoying having it now) and having someone all Shabbos is basically giving up half of that for the month.

Btw dh is stalling to give answer because he doesn't want to make it work if I go Friday night. He would want to try if I end up going sat night though which I think is silly because its harder to kick her out early then and I'm sleeping by 10 so I can be functional at my intense job on Sunday. Either way, he's less amenable to it than me but ill totally be the one blamed as being obnoxious if he tells her it's a bad week.

m+m

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 11:13 am

I didn't read the whole thread but my suggestion is to have sister stay at a neighbor and ask her if she can come in time for the meal since you and DC will take a nap after licht benching since you had a long week. The DH can stay with DC and you cna run out and get back before your sister comes for the meal.

morah ↓

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 11:20 am

I think you are making more of an issue than it is. Have her over, make a plausible excuse for slipping out. You won't be gone more than an hour. She won't chap. Single people don't chap this stuff, and honestly, 95% of the time, married people don't either. I have family spread out around the globe and have had to deal with this sort of thing a few times. B'H have never had to push off a mikvah night, and have never revealed myself either (or if someone did figure it out, they didn't say anything). When you do your mitzvah this weekend, you will also be doing the mitzvah of promoting sb. Really, it's a small investment, but will pay dividends down the line, especially as you say there are already issues with the extended family. People have given you good suggestions- why are you so determined that none of them can work? Positive relationships take effort and sometimes require inconvenience. So this month you won't get as much private time. It doesn't sound like this comes up too often, so you'll deal with it for this month, and hopefully next month yo will get to enjoy your usual full time together.

bluebird ↓

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 12:23 pm

amother wrote:

Could she stay with a neighbor? A neighbor who just happens to need her to watch the kids while she pops out after candlighting...at least that would solve part of it...

I would be really upset by this.

"Hi, SIL. We want to spend a minimal amount of time with you, so you can sleep at someone else's house and provide free labor to someone you don't know, for which I volunteered you without asking."

↑ amother ↓

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 12:33 pm

bluebird wrote:

She volunteered me to have her at a time that isn't good for me.

I'd do the slipping out thing but the thing is MY sil (from my side) did that to me many times after she invited me. I appreciated the invite but it was always so weird when she would just disappear (I have no idea if it was for mikvah or not) and I wouldn't want to make her feel like I did those times. She'd often leave me with the kids and I didn't know if she wanted me to let them scream or take them out of crib etc. Wasn't as pleasant as you'd think (based on how many people are suggesting I do this).

↑ luppamom ↓

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 1:17 pm

amother wrote:

You did prove the point. You had no idea if she went to the mikva. Anyway, I think you probably felt better than if she would've just snotted you out and not invited you (assuming you wanted to be invited).

↑ amother ↓

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 1:53 pm

luppamom wrote:

I was happy to go but was VERY uncomfortable being left that way. I'd have rathered not go.

Butterfly ↓

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 2:18 pm

Esti's Mom wrote:

IMO SIL might feel hurt with such a gesture. Why must she stay at the neighbor, a stranger's house while OP benches licht and supposedly naps? Why shouldn't she feel welcome to be at OP's house, relax in the the sofa with a book or siddur while OP naps?

Last edited by Butterfly on Mon, Dec 29 2014, 2:19 pm; edited 1 time in total

spikta

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 2:18 pm

It's truly hard to work at an intense job and have a kid. You feel like every crumb of time that isn't spent working or commuting or tending to the baby is like gold. You miss your 'me time' and 'us time' sooooo much. You would kill for a night of uninterrupted sleep, or at least for a chance to wake up after sunrise.

Your SIL has no idea how valuable your time is now. She has oceans of free time. She can wake up late and hang out in bed and read a book whenever she feels like it.

You are exhausted and depleted and you're sick of giving of yourself and stretching yourself. Every day you manage to get through is prize-worthy.

And yet. You should host her. If only because it will be so much better for *you* in the long run. You're creating social capital with her now, which will pay dividends later on. When you need someone to stay with the kid/s when you and your husband are at the hospital giving birth, when you need someone to stick up for you against an irritating MIL, when you want to hear some embarrassing childhood stories about DH. Heck even this shabbos you can make it work for you. Let her and DH amuse the baby while you spend an hour reading in bed or visiting a friend (an actual one, besides the mikva lady Smile

).

All of the issues you raised are solvable, you've gotten several good suggestions, you just need to choose to go for it.

Know that I am here applauding you, from one tired working mom to another, for doing the right thing, even though gosh-darnit-you-so-don't-feel-like-it and can't-the-world-do-something-for-me-for-a-change??

*hugs*

Dolly Welsh

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 2:23 pm

One, you may never get it back from her.
Two, she may never get it at all, what you did for her.
Three, she may not be the kind who remembers favors.
Four, she's single and has no idea.
Five, this moment is very, very dangerous.

Why?

Because the potential exists here for some major drawing of hurt. If she does get it, and she may indeed pick up a thread of your wishing she wasn't there, even if she isn't clear exactly why, she may be terribly, inchoately, hurt.

This will put you in major bad with her brother. Fear it. Really.

She is no child and may indeed figure out why her presence is burdensome. This will embarrass her to her bones.

And, you may do her such an injury she will get a bad idea about being a married woman. One does not want to turn into the enemy.

Women are very sensitive people and their conflicts can be terrible.

Please ignore the whole thing and eat it. You will hug him when she leaves.

Make sure to smile sweetly at him when she is there and meet his eyes warmly. Keep the connection with him. Do not sulk. It will be tempting to sulk. It is extremely important that you do not.

If he has fifty sisters, ignore the above. Then it's time to move very far away. But for one sister, this is my humble opinion.

↑ amother ↓

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 2:48 pm

For all the posters who are saying to leave SIL to babysit, I'd just like to say that I have a 3rd cousin in Israel whom I visited a couple of times when I was there for the year. (They were the closest family I had there at the time.) The second and last time was Shabbos Chanuka, and my cousin's wife said she really wanted to hear the dvar torah in shul, and left me to babysit her four kids (whom I'd met once before). I spent most of an hour trying to keep the baby from crying and the older ones from blowing out or knocking over any of the chanukiot, and decided it wasn't worth going back to visit family who'd make me babysit in unsafe circumstances.

So two points:
1. I did not until just now realize why she actually had me babysit- singles (certainly young ones) probably don't think of these things.
2. PLEASE do not ask a relative to babysit on zero notice on a Friday night (when they can't even call you if an issue comes up) without a real explanation- or at least not if you want to build up a relationship with that person.

↑ luppamom ↓

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 2:56 pm

amother wrote:

This is true of a friend or a not-so-close relative, but I don't think it's necessarily true about a niece or nephew, especially an only. IME many aunts are happy to babysit their nieces and nephews especially if they hardly ever see them and especially if it's just one baby and not for a long time! Although, if OP decides to do this, she should definitely clear it w/ SIL first.