SIBLING RIVALRY!! PLEASE HELP!!

amother ↓

Wed, Sep 06 2006, 7:55 am

My two odlest daughters are 9 and almost 8. They are 14 months apart. When it comes to their personalities, they are like night and day. They even look totally different...you'd never guess they are sisters. However, they have always gotten together beautifully...no fighting, nothing.

Until this summer.

We sent them together to a small, backyard camp. There were about 8 girls. My oldest daughter became very bossy toward her younger sister, especially in front of her friends. The younger girl is very sensitive, so that doesn't help. At home, things became tense between the two of them. They have 4 younger siblings, and both get along with all of them. They currently share a room.

How do I handle this? (I'm an only child, so I can't even call my mom!) They used to get along great...I'm so sad they don't anymore Sad

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

shlomitsmum

Wed, Sep 06 2006, 5:00 pm

Oh boy!
your story brought back some memories ....I was a bossy sister in public at that age embarrassed

people thought I was Becoming "mean". I was 9 she was a very mature 6 year old.

From experience I can say the issue is usually about space my mum forced us tho dress like twins till we were old.... wherever I went she had to follow , my friends became her friends , If I ate apples she had to have one too ! You don't do this ...do you?

Solution is to give them a break from each other! your daughter was trying to free herself from your younger one at camp. why? because she wants her own private mental space and friends.
here is my story...
In my case Mum perceived my sister as the Fragile sensitive one my sister began to enjoy the role very much and was dependent on mum to get involved ,she loved the attention. all she had to do was cry or look hurt and bingo! If I said no to anything she would threaten me ! I was so grounded!
so here is how I got her Twisted Evil

I put a kiddie tape under the bed and recorded our conversations her whininng and taunting...then I gave it to Mum she was amazed that my sweet "sensitive " sister could be such a pest!

Mum was impressed by my CIA like strategy and gave us rules to fight fair...sisters fight is natural but it had to be clean.
3 rules

1. no hitting
2.no insulting (publicly or privately)
3. try to work it out by YOURSELVES translation :don't get involved unless the above rules are violated.

If we fought we BOTH got grounded period WHY? because that way nobody wins ....

My kids went through a rough patch recently as the younger began to assert himself more ....sparks flew as the older one did not like this.....so, If I do not see what happened they Both get grounded.
Think like a Lawyer...be kind of neutral until the picture is clear.

3 Weeks of no fighting ! it took a solid week of discipline if they know you mean business they will stop. Wink

roza ↓

Mon, Jan 15 2007, 11:24 am

This is another pearl from Rabbi Yaakov Horowitz:

Quote:

Ironically, sibling rivalry is a sign of a normal, healthy home. The "luxury" of bickering over minor matters is one reserved for children who a raised in nurturing environments. Research shows that in dysfunctional homes or homes where there is an extraordinary amount of anxiety, there is little or no sibling rivalry. In these stressful homes, the children tend to cling to each other for security.

This seemingly curious phenomenon would be analogous to the political landscape in most countries. When nations are blessed with peace, there seems to be endless bickering among many elected officials. However, when presented with a common enemy or tragedy, people with opposing viewpoints set aside their differences and unite for the common good.

Squash

Mon, Jan 15 2007, 11:28 am

shlomitsmum wrote:

Oh boy!
your story brought back some memories ....I was a bossy sister in public at that age embarrassed

I think this is GREAT advice. Thanks for sharing.

brooklyn

Mon, Jan 15 2007, 11:35 am

roza wrote:

This is another pearl from Rabbi Yaakov Horowitz:

Quote:

Thank goodnes! I took it all wrong, my home is a nurturing environment!!!
Very Happy

Imaonwheels

Wed, Jan 17 2007, 3:20 am

I have 2 pairs of close in age and I always tried to not send them to the same activities and such. There is competition because the younger is close enough in age that he doesn't understand why the older is better at so many things. The older will come to resent having a tail at some point. My Mom used to make me tag w/my 16 yr old sister when I was 10.

No way would I reward them for fighting w/their own rooms. My Mom said fight nice and if no one was being seriously abused or hurt noninterference was our rule. I follow the same rule. The offense of the other must be very serious if you are bringing me into it. I am also not rewarding the 2 of you with negative attention. If I didn't see it I am not allowed to believe - that is LH. Eventially they will work it out. I am NEVER judge or jury. I don't allow the offenses named above but I will not let them get my goat. One I do punish severely is damaging the other's property to be mean.