feel like im constantly being pulled in the same direction!

amother ↓

Sat, Dec 24 2011, 8:37 pm

from age 0-4.5 months I basically felt that I was giving them equal attention..well at around 4.5 months my babies'personalities started shining through a whole lot more and consequently, my son became a very physically affectionate, dependent intense little man, while my daughter became more independent and curious about things other than mommy. at first I was thinking that some days I gave him more attention, andf some days her, depending on the babies' needs that day. but lately, I feel as though I have to move mountains to give my daughter the attention she deserves. my son wants to be held and spoken to and played with directly, one on one, constantly. while my daughter may be happy playing on her own for a while, I actually began missing her because my time spent with them was so uneven. I feel like I almost dont know her as well as I know him and I hate that! im practically crying writing this..I love them both so much and I long to spend more time with her daily but my son needs so much of me that sometimes all I can give her is a longing glance from across the living room. I want to give the, both what they need but I long for a very close relationship with both of them..not just him! im actually afraid I could even resent him for making it hard for me to develop that closeness with her that can only come from quality time spent together....sometimes I get to grab some free moments with her while hes asleep for a nap (hes a real snoozer...she almost always wakes up first) but its usually only 10-15 minutes before hes up and needs 100% of me again...has anyone experienced something like this with their twins? should I try to somehow make him better able to self-entertain? I have no clue what to do!! and putting them on 2 totally different nap schedules is a total nono because then I will go crazy!help!

tikva18

Sat, Dec 24 2011, 8:50 pm

It's really hard, isn't it. You'll see that somehow it will even out. IMO, be thankful that she's able to go off on her own right now and give him what he needs. Sometimes they trade their neediness - at least mine did and continue to do so. Huh, I can't even tell you which was needier. It seemed as if he was the needier one, always clinging to me while she would go to others. But what it boiled down to was that they had and continue to have different needs. He needed to be built up so he could go on his own for longer, while she seemed to be okay, but actually needs to connect to me more. She would seem more independent, but was actually insecure inside - while he seemed needier, but really could be more independent.

They are 6, bli ayin hara, now and she is definitely the needier one. I've actually shared your concerns as he is so busy going off, and me feeling like I'm not connecting enough, but then he comes running to me if I'm going to leave the house and clings to me like there is no tomorrow, he gives me kisses - and not just kisses, but a set order of kisses, and hugs me.

So he comes in for a quick fix and that's enough for him, while she spends more time soaking it in. I don't think my quick fix guy is feeling neglected or left out at all. Just shower them with love - think loving thoughts while holding your little one and it will sink it to her. I'm sure your not neglecting her, but meeting her needs the best way possible for her. And that's exactly what you should be doing. I bet you're doing just great.

↑ amother ↓

Tue, Jan 03 2012, 7:22 pm

Just noticing this now but I can totally relate. My twins are a year old now. I have b/g and seems like a very similar story.
I don't have major answers but just some ideas that I've heard to help me out.
1- You are giving both babies- WHAT THEY NEED. His personal needs are to be held and entertained more, while her needs are less physical and time consuming. She is not being neglected. You are giving them both what they need.

2- someone once told me that she would alternate saying a bright good morning/hello with the twins so that they each got equal amounts of drama and excitement. THat way even if one always cries louder etc, they don't necessarily get picked up first.

I personally agree more with the first idea. She's OK. He needs more one on one and you are giving him just that. Imagine if they were 2 years apart. You wouldn't notice or think for a second that she's not getting enough. You'd just say- shes a happy baby and I can get so much done!
Good luck!

bodybalance

Thu, Jan 26 2012, 1:57 am

This is the story of my twins too!
I have 11 month old b/g twins.

My son is super clingy, needy, cuddly.
She likes to play alone, hates cuddling, and is much less demanding.

It is hard for me to connect to my son in such an intense way and my daughter pushes me away if I want to kiss or hug her.

In my case, he is a real mama's boy. Clinging to my leg.
But, the second my husband comes home, my daughter is all over him! He can't move an inch- until he picks her up.

I try to make times every day to connect to both of them. Eat their feet equally.

I find they take turns driving me insane. One week he is REALLY kvetchy and one week she is .

Now they are at the stage of copying each other. He spits out his food, so she spits out HER food - even tho she likes eating.

It is funny. (If you are in the mood after a long day of work).

Don't be hard on yourself. You can only do the best you can. When she will have needs- she will express them in some way.

↑ amother ↓

Thu, Jan 26 2012, 5:35 am

I am the OP..thanks for the response! a little update: I decided to start giving my dd more time, even if that left ds whimpering a little- and it worked! I realized that I was picking him up before he was actually all out crying! so I stopped doing that and sure enough he would stop whimpering and resume independent play giving me more time to spend with my dd who in turn became much more physically loving (she loves to hug my neck and stare at my face especially after a nap it is so cute)! so things have definitely improved and I dont feel so torn anymore. I realized that if I am feeling that one of the twins needs some love I should go with that...keep the other one busy while I spend time with that one. sometimes ill be reading bothe of them a book and just feel like one needs an extra smile or a tickle if they are having a hard day and thats what I do! not being obsessed with keeping everything equal and keeping them both super happy 100 percent of the time has really helped me!

↑ amother

Thu, Jan 26 2012, 6:11 am

amother wrote:

I havent read the thread, but I am feeling the same way about my non-twin kids. One is clingier and the other one is dreamie and in his own world. He does not get nearly as much attention as the former one. Crying