Calling all good writers-help critique

amother ↓

Sun, Oct 30 2011, 5:26 am

Can you help critique this? I am writing this for Mishpacha's words unspoken. I don't want others to make the same dumb mistakes I made and have a bad flavor left in their mouth when someone mentions having a baby...
I know I didn't write this very well. That's why I am asking for you to help me write this in a more cohesive, flowing, organized way, that expresses my feelings better. I am not looking to add more facts or information.

Dear Birth coach and expectant mother,

The idea is that you are a cohesive partnership, one that works together, one that makes room for a husband who wants to be involved and that the birth coach helps the mother in having the birth that she wants. The mother wants to feel satisfied in her experience. If you, the birth coach, cannot meet one of these criteria, you are denying the mother a satisfying and gratifying experience.

For the birth coach I used,
felt misled by rave reviews by your previous clients.
Are you really the quality, caring, knowledgeable and compassionate birth coach that you say you are?:
Do you consider yourself there to help the lady giving birth, or are you there to assist the nurses? Are you there to assist the way you want to assist or the way the client wants you to assist them? When someone pays you to assist them, do you consider it your job to assist them, or do you consider it your job to be paid to help the hospital staff and neglect your client?

For the expectant mother,
Don’t make the same mistakes I made. Have a good experience that you will want to re-live again. I learned from my mistakes and I will feel better if I know that I helped at least one individual.
Regarding the myth that a nurse in labor and delivery will make an excellent birth coach, an RN won’t if she has no training in being a labor coach or doula. She will only have medical techniques available to you. You might not want to use medical techniques as a first resort because all medicine has side-effects and medical techniques can have repercussions.

Be educated. If something someone tells you is medically necessary, you should not be swayed. Nurses (yes, medical staff) have ulterior motives sometimes, and you should seek a second opinion to make sure someone is not just trying to push their agenda on you by manipulating you with those words, because you might think, who am I to disagree with a doctor or nurse. Get a second opinion.
Make sure that if you get someone who’s domineering, they will be domineering for you and that you’re not paying an advocate on behalf of the hospital.

Make sure that you and your husband are prepared to stand up for your desires, if they aren’t being met by the hospital. You might not be able to in moments of intense pain and your husband might feel lost. Do make sure your desires are safe, so you have backbone to insist if they’re not being met.
Make sure that the labor coach will include your husband because it is your desire to work through life experiences together with him. He is your favorite, not your labor coach. You want her to gently guide your husband as to ways he can assist. Make sure she won’t exclude him just because there are so many things he can’t do. Make sure she doesn’t think or convey that husbands are a third and rusty wheel that should be silenced because they’re not experts in childbirth, haven’t attended nursing school, have not helped anyone give birth and has no medical expertise. In fact, sometimes a husband can be more helpful than a labor coach because they can give emotional support that no one else can give since they know their wife best.

My story: This was my first baby and I thought I was getting someone who respected my wishes, someone who would stand up for me, someone who would be there for me and someone who would give me the support I needed. You were none of these.

You did things that were against my will. You forced me into them by your strong nature. You convinced me that you needed to do them because it was “medically necessary,” yet I had learned from the birth classes I studiously attended that it wasn’t necessary, yet I was too much in pain to resist as strongly as you pushed me into it. By pushing me into this, you hurt me both physically and emotionally. I felt as if I had no rights, felt violated as if you were now in charge of my body and I had no rights, feelings or control over it.

You ordered my husband around, and both excluded and forbid him from giving me the emotional support I so needed at home and in the hospital so I was left to suffer in silence with only you “at my side.” I say “at my side” because you thought you were at my side, but really you were assisting the nurses, instead of providing physical assistance (like rubbing my back) and emotional support to me, and completely ignored me, except to snap at me to just “be quiet and stop interfering,” while you were helping the nurse monitor me. And when you weren’t “at my side” as you misled yourself into thinking, you were busy answering your cell and giving your husband updates about how my birth was progressing to give him an idea if you’d be able to make it to a function of his later that night (thanks for the privacy-that’s a joke).

When I complained that I was in pain at home, you told me to get into the shower. That was the only technique you knew of. When I asked you before we had the baby if you had any pain relief techniques, you said so self-assuredly that the shower is a wonderful technique to relieve pain and it helps almost everyone, to the point where you made it seem that there was almost no chance it wouldn’t help, so I accepted that the only trick you knew would help me. Well, it didn’t help me.
You forced me to give birth on my back with my legs apart, the old school way of giving birth, when I had wanted to give birth in an upright position. I had no say because you insisted without any room for contradiction that it is the safest way to give birth. I wish that I didn’t listen to you and insisted for myself that I give birth upright, instead of relying on you to convey my wishes to the nurses. Instead, you conveyed your wishes for how I should give birth.

I had to get stitches afterward since I was delirious from pain while pushing because you didn’t let my husband give me emotional support and recognition and I was not given any form of support from you. I just pushed and pushed because that was the only way I knew of how to relieve myself of the pain. When I finished pushing and learned that I needed stitches, you were obnoxious and said in a sarcastic manner that I would need “just a trillion and one,” to indicate that I deserved an obnoxious answer by asking a stupid question because there was no way for you to tell me the answer. You really upset me and scared me and made me cry by your biting answer.

I implore women who are expecting to look into a birth coach they consider using. Consider if this person’s nature is right for you. Consider if she will force you into having a baby her way, or she will assist you in having the baby the way you want to. Consider if she thinks helping the hospital staff is helping you, or if she considers the mother’s physical and emotional state more important to tend to. Consider if she is up to date on medical knowledge, or if she’s from the ‘old school’ and considers herself a sage since she knew all the medical advances and latest studies from when she was in school…Consider if she will take over or let your husband also have a chance to help, or show him how to help. Consider if she will respect your wishes and meet your needs. Consider if she has methods for pain relief other than a shower. Consider if you feel comfortable using her. Consider if she’s compassionate and patient. Consider if an experience using her for your first will leave you with a good experience to the extent that you don’t dread becoming pregnant and re-living your birth. Consider that you want to have a good experience so you don’t cry for months after about how alone you felt and how violated you felt.
For the labor coach, I think you might want to consider your approach if you think you expedite the birth with your techniques but your client feels that she wants to have the baby already in order to get rid of you…After all, you’re not the one having the baby, she is. You may want to consider taking a labor coaching class if you are only a nurse who only knows of medical interventions and thinks nothing of emotional support or non-medical pain relief techniques.

Thank you for listening,
ER

sequoia

Sun, Oct 30 2011, 5:41 am

I remember this story when you originally told it. I can see you're still in pain and hurting. Hopefully writing this article and reaching many people will help you get some closure.

You might try altering the last paragraph, because at the moment it sounds like "Through the Looking-Glass."

"'Only it is so VERY lonely here,' said Alice in a melancholy voice; and at the thought of her loneliness two large tears came rolling down her cheeks.
'Oh, don't go on like that!' cried the poor Queen, wringing her hands in despair. 'Consider what a great girl you are. Consider what a long way you've come today. Consider what o'clock it is. Consider anything, only don't cry!'
Alice could not help laughing at this, even in the midst of her tears.
'Can YOU keep from crying by considering things?' she asked.
'That's the way it's done,' said the Queen with great decision, 'nobody can do two things at once, you know.'"

↑ amother ↓

Sun, Oct 30 2011, 5:44 am

I thought that writing in a parallel way would be a bit flowy.
Any suggestions? I want to make it flowy and well written.
Thanks!

cinnamon

Sun, Oct 30 2011, 6:28 am

I am sorry you went through this op!

I think it is confusing when you write both to your birth caoch and to other mothers.
I would write only to the birth coach and the other mothers would get your point.

would something like this work:

Dear Birth coach,
You came with rave reviews and I was so happy I found you to help me give birth. I imagined us as a team working together to bring this new neshama into the world. I imagined you will empower me, you will show me I have the ability and the know how.
Boy was I wrong.
I was in so much pain when you came to my house that morning, I was so happy to see you.
"Go into the shower" you said, that is the best pain reliever there is.
I went and all it did was make me wet but it had no affect on my pain. "Showers almost always work" you told me when I came out.
It didn't work for me but you had no other advice, not even a comforting word.
Things did not get better when we got to the hospital. You spent so much time befriending the nurses you all but forgot about me.

I heard you say "It shouldn't take long now" and I thought you were finally trying to reassure me but then I saw the cell phone in your hand. You were talking to your husband. While I was in pain, instead of helping me you were reassuring your husband!
And when my husband tried to support me you chased him away with harsh words so I was left with no one.
Only you were there to help me only you did nothing to help. You didn't rub my back when the contractions came, you didn't help me walk around like I learned would help the labor proceed, you didn't help me breath through the pain.
When I finally gathered the courage and spoke up for what I wanted you told me to stop interfering.
I am interfering - this is not my birth, I have no power over my body, what I want doesn't matter, what I think doesn't matter, I don't matter.
Weren't you supposed to be there for me? Isn't it your job to hear what I want? to help me have the birth of my dreams?
You didn't let me refuse unnecessary medical procedures, you didn't let me take the position I wanted. You were loud, forceful and overbearing. You made me feel weak and incapable in the exact moment I needed to feel empowered and able.

I wanted it to be over and the only way I knew to end it was to push, so I pushed and pushed and pushed and finally the baby was out. I was left empty, hollow and a little bit broken.
I asked you a simple question "how many stitches will I need?" and you laughed at me. Maybe it really was a stupid question but I have just been to hell and back I am full to the brim with hormones. Do you really think that was the right time to laugh at me?

I cried so hard then, and continued crying for more than a few months and still tear up when I think of this birth. I really hope this was a fluke, you were having a bad day or had a lot on your mind, but if this is the way you treat all your patients, please find a different career.

Aylat ↓

Sun, Oct 30 2011, 6:49 am

I agree with cinammon - address it to the birth coach.

Also, what she has done to make it flow better is to state specific incidents which happens. That concretises it for your readers, makes it more immediate and real for them.

eg [quote] I was in so much pain when you came to my house that morning, I was so happy to see you.
"Go into the shower" you said, that is the best pain reliever there is.
I went and all it did was make me wet but it had no affect on my pain. "Showers almost always work" you told me when I came out.
It didn't work for me but you had no other advice, not even a comforting word.
[quote]

Btw it should be effect not affect here (effect = noun, affect = verb), but I'm sure MIshpacha's editor will pick up on things like that.

↑ Aylat ↓

Sun, Oct 30 2011, 6:49 am

↑ Aylat

Sun, Oct 30 2011, 6:51 am

sorry double post

Health is a Virture

Sun, Oct 30 2011, 7:04 am

actually, (fyi: I am a "beginner" labor coach) I think you should address the mothers. Every labor coach is different and what works for one mother may not work for another. maybe some people want a labor coach will help with the medical part and don't need so much just hands on comforting. so, I think it should be that the mother should meet in advance and speak to the labor coach, find out what methods she can and will entail. it is also important to speak to previous women that this labor coach helped. give a list of different things that the woman should make sure to speak to the labor coach ina dvance about it. If the labor coach says "we'll deal with it in the future, don't worry, we'll figure it out," etc, then don't use her if you don't feel comfortable about it. The mother needs to know what she wants and then make sure the labor coach can meet her needs. do include in your list if writing to the mother all different things that she migh want to consider. after writing to the mother, you could also make a check list of things for the labor coach or vice a versa. but it is confusing when the 2 are together. choose one and then after you can write a short (or long) checklist for the other one.

↑ amother ↓

Sun, Oct 30 2011, 7:41 am

Cinnamon, thnks so much! I had something like this in mind. Thank you everyone else also for your compassionate and helpful words.

How about this:

Dear Birth coach,
You came with rave reviews and I was so happy I found you to help me give birth. I imagined us as a team working together to bring this new neshama into the world. I imagined you will empower me, you will show me I have the ability and the know how.
Boy was I wrong.
I was in so much pain when you came to my house that morning, I was so happy to see you.
"Go into the shower" you said, that is the best pain reliever there is.
I went and all it did was make me wet but it had no effect on my pain. "Showers almost always work" you told me when I came out.
It didn't work for me but you had no other advice, not even a comforting word.
Things did not get better when we got to the hospital. You spent so much time befriending the nurses you all but forgot about me. You helped them monitor me instead of helping me survive the monitoring. You helped them check me instead of helping me survive the pain of being checked.

I heard you say "It shouldn't take long now" and all the details about where I was holding and I thought you were finally trying to reassure me but then I saw the cell phone in your hand. You were talking to your husband about making it to some function together (thanks for the privacy-just being facetious). While I was in pain, instead of helping me you were reassuring your husband!
And when my husband tried to support me you chased him away with harsh words, telling him he was "disrupting," so I was left with no one. You didn't let me work through it and develop a deeper relationship with the one who is closest to me.
Only you were there to help me only you did nothing to help. You didn't rub my back when the contractions came, you didn't help me walk around like I learned would help the labor proceed, you didn't help me breath through the pain.
When I finally gathered the courage and spoke up for what I wanted you told me to stop interfering.
I am interfering - this is not my birth, I have no power over my body, what I want doesn't matter, what I think doesn't matter, I don't matter.
Weren't you supposed to be there for me? Isn't it your job to hear what I want? to help me have the birth of my dreams?
You didn't let me refuse unnecessary medical procedures, you didn't let me take the position I wanted. You were loud, forceful and overbearing. You made me feel weak and incapable in the exact moment I needed to feel empowered and able. You forced me into procedures I didn't want, making me feel violated when they weren't medically necessary (I took birth classes).

At the end, I wanted it to be over, not because I was looking forward to holding a warm, fuzzy bundle in my hands, but so you would finally leave. I didn't daven for yeshous and brachos for people who needed them, but instead davened that Hashem should just take me already.

I wanted it to be over and the only way I knew to end it was to push, so I pushed and pushed and pushed (with you yelling at me that I was pushing wrong, when I needed you to remind me how by to holding my hand and show me encouragingly) and finally the baby was out. I was left empty, hollow and broken. No, not empowered.

I pushed so hard because I just wanted the lonliness and pain to end and I was delirious from the pain (couldn't think clearly) since you didn't let my husband offer his support that I so badly needed. Obviously, I ripped.

I asked you a simple question "how many stitches will I need?" and you laughed at me. Maybe it really was a stupid question but I have just been to gehinom and back I was full to the brim with hormones. Do you really think that was the right time to laugh at me? You answered sarcastically, "Oh, just a trillion and one."

I cried so hard then, and continued crying for more than a few months and still tear up when I think of this birth. I really hope this was a fluke, you were having a bad day or had a lot on your mind, but if this is the way you treat all your patients, please find a different career. You are not the one having the baby. Your client is. You want to give her an empowering experience, not one which neglects her and has you running the show as if you're the patient with your own needs and desires.

No one I know is looking to hire a cold, private nurse instead of a supportive labor coach (who has training in labor coaching). Don't say you're a labor coach if you're just a nurse.
Don't fool some more unsuspecting young mothers into using you, if you're not who you say you are.

Thank you for seeing it from my point of view even though you are entrentched in your belief that you are Hashem's gift to the laboring woman.
ER

For the expectant mother and labor coach:
The idea is that you are a cohesive partnership, one that works together, one that makes room for a husband who wants to be involved and that the birth coach helps the mother in having the birth that she wants. The mother wants to feel satisfied in her experience. If you, the birth coach, cannot meet one of these criteria, you are denying the mother a satisfying and gratifying experience.

Regarding the myth that a nurse in labor and delivery will make an excellent birth coach, an RN won’t if she has no training in being a labor coach or doula. She will only have medical techniques available to you. You might not want to use medical techniques as a first resort because all medicine has side-effects and medical techniques can have repercussions. If your labor coach cannot meet these needs, you should not be using her.

Be educated. If something someone tells you is medically necessary, you should not be swayed. Nurses (yes, medical staff) have ulterior motives sometimes, and you should seek a second opinion to make sure someone is not just trying to push their agenda on you by manipulating you with those words, because you might think, who am I to disagree with a doctor or nurse. Get a second opinion.
Make sure that if you get someone who’s domineering, they will be domineering for you and that you’re not paying an advocate on behalf of the hospital.

Make sure that you and your husband are prepared to stand up for your desires, if they aren’t being met by the hospital. You might not be able to in moments of intense pain and your husband might feel lost. Do make sure your desires are safe, so you have backbone to insist if they’re not being met.
Make sure that the labor coach will include your husband because it is your desire to work through life experiences together with him. He is your favorite, not your labor coach. You want her to gently guide your husband as to ways he can assist. Make sure she won’t exclude him just because there are so many things he can’t do. Make sure she doesn’t think or convey that husbands are a third and rusty wheel that should be silenced because they’re not experts in childbirth, haven’t attended nursing school, have not helped anyone give birth and has no medical expertise. In fact, sometimes a husband can be more helpful than a labor coach because they can give emotional support that no one else can give since they know their wife best.

Wishing you all the best.

Ruchel

Sun, Oct 30 2011, 7:48 am

I'm so sorry amother. This sounds like hiring the worst nurse of the worst hospital as a doula Sad

↑ amother ↓

Sun, Oct 30 2011, 8:03 am

yeah

Thanks for your kind words.

imasinger

Sun, Oct 30 2011, 8:34 am

Amother, that sounds like such a difficult time for you. I'm sorry you had to go through it. It sounds like one of the worst moments was her blaming you for pushing too hard. The urge to push is almost overpowering, and not only was that a horrible thing to do, but it sounds from your posting as if you internalized some part of what she said. IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT if you were pushing hard. Especially if she and the rest of the staff weren't helping you and supporting you, but you might have pushed anyway, even if she were kinder, just because of the strength of the urge.

You might want to suggest in your advice to other expectant mothers that they interview the labor coach in advance. There should be some conversation ahead of time about what you expect. There should certainly be a birth plan.

I only had a doula for one of my kids, but it was a great experience. We met ahead of time, and she asked both DH and me what we wanted from her, and what our styles were. In order to get further information, she had both of us try putting our hands into a freezing cold bowl of ice water, and keeping it there as long as we could. This gave her some information for how I handled pain, and what I might need from her. We talked about showers and visualization and walking and talking and meditation, and much more. I told her that one thing I wanted was for her to be my advocate if I were in too much pain or too focused on giving birth. She told me that she couldn't talk to the doctors, but she could remind me of my goals. And she did. I can't imagine having to stand up to a birth coach in addition to the hospital staff. It's the complete opposite of what is supposed to happen!

Have you written to her directly to let her know of your disappointment?

↑ amother

Sun, Oct 30 2011, 8:45 am

Dear Imasinger,
Thanks for your kind words.
"I can't imagine having to stand up to a birth coach in addition to the hospital staff. It's the complete opposite of what is supposed to happen!"
Yes, that's what it was like...It was a horrible experience I hope never to repeat. She's still on the market and people rave about her. I think they're crazy. I think they just think this is the way a birth coach is supposed to be. THey're uninformed....
I wouldn't write her a letter because she thinks it's better to play it super-safe with all her not necessary and painful medical interventions rather than risk something. She's the doctor who does a cat scan and has her patient all hooked up to devices because he's complaining of a mild sore throat... Rolling Eyes

All the while thinking that she's Hashem's gift to humanity and can't understand how people had babies before she existed. If you question her authority and old-fashioned knowledge, she'll tell you you are uniformed and you don't know anything like she knows....

Grandmama

Sun, Oct 30 2011, 10:32 am

Dear Op:
I really feel sorry about the experience you had. Birthing can and should be the most beautiful experience. I do hope you will have better luck in the future. You are absolutely 100% right in every way, and its awful that you had to "fall in" with this one at your side. Her name should be publicized, but I dont know how and where it could be done, but others should not have to suffer with her, its awful!
Whatever you write is written from your heart, and even if it helps one woman, its worth writing.
Wishing you wonderful and easy experiences in the future.

singleagain

Sun, Oct 30 2011, 10:57 am

I do though agree with people who said you shouldn't lump the two together, and instead write to one than the other. otherwise, details and information you want to give may end up directed at the wrong person

also, while your story is heart wrenching, it's nearly 1/2 of your response. I understand, that even after so long, it still hurts, and still affects you, but you want to keep in mind, that your story is there to illustrate a point, not take it over. if I were first time pregnant, despite all of your excellent advice, I might be shocked/scared by your story, that it would overshadow the rest of your reply, and I would probably forget about a coach in the first place, which might deny me an easier/better birth. --- I'm not saying to leave your story out, but I think it needs to be condensed, and also, made impersonal... b/c in your story, you keep addressing your previous coach by saying 'you', again, as a first time pregnant, when I read 'you', I may read that as 'you all' and not 'you specific' which I understand is the message, but can easily be misread.

question: was there an original letter that you are replying to.... cause if your asking for a critique of your response, it would be a lot easier to help the reply if I saw the question...

amother

Periwinkle

Sun, Oct 30 2011, 7:42 pm

Deleted.

Last edited by amother on Tue, Jan 05 2016, 3:46 pm; edited 1 time in total

MominJerusalem

Tue, Dec 27 2011, 7:11 am

So was your article published?

sneakermom

Tue, Dec 27 2011, 8:29 am

That birth coach sounds like a nazi! What a horrible experience.