Ahead of Everyone | Imamother

Smile1 ↓

Fri, Sep 02 2011, 10:30 am

Feet stampede wildly, running, running. I race behind, always behind, lagging. There are so many of them, hordes of people, rushing ahead. I can’t keep up. They are too quick, and my pace is slack. There is no way I will reach them; no way I could ever keep up.

I spot Marilyn. You can’t miss Marilyn with her long, sleek, streaked hair. She is part of them, in the lead actually. How did she manage to run so quickly? And she is so possessed! So cool! I am working up a sweat, and I am not up to nearly as far as she is. What composes her? What is her secret?

And there is Judy – witty, clever Judy. Am I seeing right? She isn’t even running! She is walking with swift strides, her long, thin legs jaunting effortlessly to the rhythm of the throngs. Engaged in what looks to be a very invigorating talk, she is but a few short steps behind Marilyn. I wish I could bridge the gap between us so that I could eavesdrop on the conversation. It would surely be enlightening, and would make for some real nifty discussion with those who run parallel or behind me.

My eyes are smarting. Looking at the ever-widening distance between myself and the masses ahead hurts. Will I ever reach them?

Edith suddenly taps me on my shoulder. “Where are you running?” she asks.

I look at her awkwardly. Edith is one of those who don’t really understand. Maybe you can call her slow. She just lacks it. She just isn’t. Go explain to someone like Edith where I was running. She would just not understand. So I just shrug her off with some lame, “Gotta catch up,” and I know she is more perplexed than before. Oh, well. Not everyone’s goals are so clearly defined. Some people are just comfortable at base.

Not me. I have an inner drive, a calling. I know I can reach far, if I would only invest more effort. My goal is so well outlined, so delightfully strong. I do not need any other incentive next to the goal itself. If only the goal was in closer reach…

What more can I do? I cannot quicken my speed much. I’m already running faster than I thought I was able to. I am running faster than everyone, in fact. No one seems to be running with the exertion I am running with. What’s wrong with me? Is there a trick or something that I am not aware of?

There goes Alisha. The nerve! She just runs past me, right past me! She had been behind me for so long, and now she is ahead. I always derived a measure of relief knowing that Alisha was behind me, seeing me ahead and longing to be at least in my place. And here she goes, not even stopping to meet my gait, running straight ahead and looking dangerously close to catching up. She must’ve found some shortcut. There is no way she could have zipped ahead naturally.

They are going to leave me behind. I know it. I see it. Everyone is going to reach the place before me and go ahead with the spirited goal. Only I will remain alone, a wilting flower that could have blossomed and proved to all what I really possess. If only…

I am going to find a way. I am determined. No one and no obstacle will keep me from my goal. I will prove to all that I can do it. I can make it to the front – to the top – and do it. I will find an alternative path, a hidden trail that no one is aware of. And I think I see an opening right now. Yes. There it is.

Abigail.

Abigail is the perfect candidate. I walk up to her deftly, and with a craftiness I am proud to possess, whisper a few words into her ear. Her eyes goggle as she listens, and then she nods dumbly. Gotcha. I just covered a super shortcut. I have advanced in the race, and I am once again ahead of Alisha.

I repeat my little antic another several times. Before I know it, I am right behind Judy. I knew I could do it! Now I listen attentively to every word Judy says. My efforts had paid off. Her talk has every bit of juice I had thirsted for. My mind records her words – along with the tone of voice and facial expressions. Then I casually drop a line and insipidly watch as Judy gapes. I am now ahead of her. The bland expression of mine had been just the thing, and now I am nearly brushing shoulders with Marilyn. I can already smell her shampoo. My sensory glands go into overdrive, sniffing the scent and recording it right alongside Judy’s facial expressions. On my next trip to the pharmacy I will do a neat shampoo selection. My memory had better serve me well. I cannot afford a mix-up with those brands.

I am almost reaching my goal. The summit is almost within reach. I am livid with excitement. Finally, I will be fitting in – really fitting in, and not just pretending to be one of them. For people like Edith who will have silly questions like why and where, I had a perfect answer. They may not understand the answer, because as I mentioned, they are a little laid back. But not to worry. I know the reason, and for me, that is enough. The reason is simple: Everyone is doing it.

The truth is – I don’t know exactly where I am heading. But why would that matter? If everyone is heading there, it has to be the best place. After all, Marilyn and Judy were both going in that direction. They were the cream of the crop. Their lead was unequivocally the ultimate lead.

They are heading into a building now. Giddy with excitement, I follow suit. I am no longer running. By now I have fallen into their pace and stroll at their sides comfortably. It wouldn’t do to cast a peek over my shoulders to check where Alisha was up to. Although I have a strong urge, I know that doing so will automatically throw me further behind once again. No, from this point I can only look ahead.

There is a staircase ahead. The first of the crowd is making its way up. I follow. Up, up, up the troop marches. A tinge of suspense tickles me. I wonder where we are heading.
We reach the top. There is a door. The door is opened. The group gushes out. We are on the roof of the building. The roof is large. There are no gates. Where are they going? Where am I going? They walk towards the ledge. No one is running now. The noise has stilled. It is quiet.

I cannot believe it! They are standing on the ledge of the roof, holding hands. Everyone is doing it! Everyone! I stare in horror, while my legs follow mechanically. My eyes give a fierce blink as my throat constricts and my stomach dies. There is nothing in me, no sensation.

I hear Edith, I see her apparition. Where are you going? She is so innocent. (Slow? Laid back?) I think of Alisha. She is still behind. Is she following? May I dare look?
Everyone is doing it.

I walk over intrepidly, extending my hand to link with the others. They are on the brink. They are about to jump. Where are you going?! Edith’s voice rings eerily in my head.
I have no choice. I came this far. Everyone is doing it.

You’ll never buy Marilyn’s shampoo. You’ll never repeat Judy’s story.

There is no choice, no choice. Marilyn and Judy themselves are standing on the ledge, ready to jump. They hold my hands. They flank me on each side.

I close my eyes. Everyone is doing it, I tell myself calmly. It must be the right thing.

And together we jump.

Last edited by Smile1 on Sat, Sep 03 2011, 7:34 pm; edited 3 times in total