Not letting them play together?

amother

Wed, Jul 26 2006, 12:20 pm

There is a child in my DS's class (4th grade) who comes from a bad family situation - father not in the picture, mother overwhelmed (although a very sweet person), older siblings with issues, etc. etc.. This child himself is not the easiest - he has ADHD. He wants to be at our house a LOT - almost everyday he comes over to play. At first DH and I didn't mind so much - we thought that if anything it would be good for him to spend some time in a normal healthy Jewish home.

BUT, I'm beginning to think that he's not such a good influence on our DS. For example, they were playing but it was time to daven mincha so I asked them to stop for a few minutes and daven. DS got his siddur, but the other child refused... Doesn't want to bentch after eating in our house, says lashon hara...I work very hard with my DS to keep him going in the right direction and I don't want these negative attitudes to rub off on him, on the other hand I do have pity for this child. I know that there are other parents who no longer allow this child to play with their children, and I'm beginning to see why. I've been trying to cut back a little "we have plans this afternoon so this isn't a good time to play" but he always wheedles and cajoles and I feel terribly conflicted about the whole thing... any thoughts?

Mitzvahmom

Wed, Jul 26 2006, 12:24 pm

WOWW!!!

I am dealing with such a similar situation!!! Though I see it from both sides. My daughter has some issues, though when she plays with certain friends they do not show. She does have a friend, that has alot more issues than we are used to dealing with.

I spoke with my Rabbi because, I feel like they are pulling me down. It's not an easy thing, because I really want to be there for her. I am the type of person that gives and gives, and she takes and takes...and it really hurts. I find myself not answering her calls and/or not mentioning things that I know could help her but I fear embarassing situations. So I go and find things for her and leave them in bags by her house.

lucky

Wed, Jul 26 2006, 2:38 pm

Quote:

Doesn't want to bentch after eating in our house, says lashon hara...

It is your house. If he can't follow the rules, he goes home. Even when I have my niece over, she always says"but my mother lets me" I always say " I am not your mother, but this is my house and here you have to do what I say."

micki

Wed, Jul 26 2006, 7:26 pm

why don't you speak to your son, 4th grade is certainly old enough about how you have certain rules and standards that he must follow. how maybe his friend will foloow his example and do the same if he sees your son doing it.
my kids keep chalav yisroel, and they know their friends do not. we talk alot about how they are also jews, and theyh do things differntly- how everyone has different standards.
you are not OBLIGATED to save the worls, but if you do- would be nice!
if you think this friend benefits from seeing a stable home and there may be a chance that he will be influenced by you son (and the other kid soes not get on your nreves too much) then let the friendship continue.

how do you think the kid will react if no one lets him come over? if he feels everyone hates him?
you need to explain to your son that they are not the same, and he must be on his best behavior to set a good example for the kid.
this way your kid knows you don't approve of the others beahvior, and he will try hard to convince his friend.

carrot

Wed, Jul 26 2006, 7:34 pm

I'm not sure how to put this, but maybe this can be a "learning opportunity" for your child. It is real Ahavas Yisroel and Hachnosas Orchim, and you can even talk to him about influencing rather than being influenced.

yoyosma

Wed, Jul 26 2006, 9:34 pm

I experienced this myself growing up, and you know what? I am glad my mother restricted me from hanging out at some peoples homes or having them come to us.
Some of them had things in the house my mother didnt want me to see, they were wild, Chutzpadik, some swore, etc.
As a mother, you have to protect your child. Is 4th grade a time when your child is old enough to decide between what peer pressure dictates and what is cool or what is right?
Does your child realize that his friend is different? Because some kids seem to know that they are dealing with another kind of child.
I really dont know what to say.
DD had a friend who is voilent, prone to hitting, would not share etc. They had this extreme love/hate situation. I dont invite this child anymore to my home.
I asked the principal to make sure DD isnt in her class next year, because who needs a soap opera relationship at 5?