(I dare you not to look) WRITERS CLUB part 2

↑ Aylat ↓

Thu, Jan 13 2011, 2:12 am

thejew wrote:

Oops. I accidentally posted the title without the piece. Here goes:

Juggling

I always loved jugglers.
The way they flung those brightly colored balls in the air
in an endless pattern of flashing joy
captivated me.
Life has taught me about juggling.
No, I'm not a red-nosed, jolly clown,
but I do spend most of my days
juggling.
Often, while soothing my crying child
I yearn to be crying on my own mother's shoulder.
That's when I use my catching technique to grab this bonding moment with my child
while tossing my inner child in the air.
Later, I'll seize a bit of nurturing for myself.I'm a juggler,
and my life is a constant game of
catch and toss.

I often have this problem myself, I'll have to try your solution. Thanks for the image, I hope it will help me.

↑ Aylat

Thu, Jan 13 2011, 2:19 am

mummiedearest wrote:

Aylat wrote:

Hey! Been away for a while and things have moved on. But here's one I wrote when the topic was I.

I

A tapestry of
multi-coloured
Roles?

A mosaic tiled
with varied
Experiences?

I'm scared that if
I dig too deep
I'll hit
empty space

All constructive crit welcome...
This was actually inspired by mummiedearest's qestion about the meaning of I in the pieces ppl wrote.

I love the colorful imagery with a concept that is so intangible. brilliant! short and to the point. I definitely like this one. it's nice to see a question posed without a ton of emotion behind it. there's no desperation here.

That's funny, because the last stanza was actually trying to express this cold fear I had when I thought, "underneath all the things that I do, who am I?"

Does that come across clearer if I change it to:

I fear that if
I dig too deep
I'll hit
empty space

?

By the way mummiedearest, I don't have time to read and definitely not to comment on all the writings here - just wanted to say I appreciate all your comments, they're normally very perceptive. Are you studying writing/lit? You seem very talented at it.

↑ thejew ↓

Thu, Jan 13 2011, 8:41 pm

I just wanted to thank you guys for your comments on my writing. It means a lot to me. I love some of the other poems, I would be specific, but I don't know how to put the direct quote on there. Still learning the ropes! I love the I poem about being a multi-faceted tapestry of actions, but being afraid that there is an end to self where nothingness lies. Deep thought.

workingmom6

Thu, Jan 13 2011, 9:03 pm

hi all!
I'm new here but this must have been custom made for me :-) I write for a living though not this kind of writing... just about everything I've seen so far from you guys has been awesome!
I read about emily dickinson recently, how her poems totally disregarded every accepted poetry style back in her day, and it made me wonder if I can't kind of do that myself. make up a new style of writing disregarding all the rules.
so here goes, something on spacing out, that does not conform to any single style but rather mixes up a few.
what do you think? is it too messy and mixed up?

sometimes I feel like I'm trapped in a cage
then I look out and see that it's keeping me safe

sometimes I feel like I'm held down by chains
but the people floating free seem so empty and unhappy

sometimes I feel invaded by every interruption
until I remember the loneliness of uninterrupted days

sometimes I feel like I didn't get to choose my future
but then I look around me and wouldn't trade it for anything

and yet...

sometimes I want to be all alone and free
with the whole world wide open in front of me

I want to travel
unaccompanied
discover new cities
learn a new language
explore one place after the next

I want to spend time on the mountains
capture exquisite beauty on camera
experience every kind of boating
get acquainted with herbs
discover myself

instead...

I dream as I cook and feed and play
and space out here and there throughout the day

but I'm really not sorry and there's no regret here
my dreams are just little escapes for some air

I know that if I had everything I think I crave
I'd be dreaming about a life just like the one I happen to have

↑ robynm ↓

Thu, Jan 13 2011, 9:21 pm

workingmom6 wrote:

First of all WELCOME workingmom6!!! Hooray

id just like to say how honored I am that you chose this as your first post!!
and second! I love what you wrote. if you look back, I kind ok write similar (not as well). I dont follow any rules, just do my own thing. I commend you for that!!

↑ robynm ↓

Thu, Jan 13 2011, 9:24 pm

thejew wrote:

Oops. I accidentally posted the title without the piece. Here goes:

Juggling

[b]

I always loved jugglers.
The way they flung those brightly colored balls in the air
in an endless pattern of flashing joy
captivated me.
Life has taught me about juggling.
No, I'm not a red-nosed, jolly clown,
but I do spend most of my days
juggling.
Often, while soothing my crying child
I yearn to be crying on my own mother's shoulder.
That's when I use my catching technique to grab this bonding moment with my child
while tossing my inner child in the air.
Later, I'll seize a bit of nurturing for myself.
I'm a juggler,
and my life is a constant game of
catch and toss.

WELCOME thejew!!!! so glad you found us!! Hooray

I highlited the part that spoke to me

↑ the world's best mom ↓

Sun, Jan 16 2011, 1:00 pm

My Bad Mood

I feel as though
I've turned into
A real big crab
Through and through.

My kids annoy me,
My patience is gone.
I yell and scream
As the day drags on.

I need a nap.
There's too much noise.
My head just aches.
My son spills his toys.

The house is a mess.
There's laundry to do
But I'm not in the mood
To deal with you.

↑ superjew ↓

Sun, Jan 16 2011, 6:46 pm

I lye down
But float
I rest my eyes
But see
I feel the warmth around me
I'm relaxed

I begin to vegitate
I begin to shut my mind
Of course words still
Fleet across my mind
Making their way quickly
Before I shut the door completly

My eyes are closed
My hair is wet
My bodys soaking
And I'm relaxed

Bubbles float across the way
I watch them swim
Moving on until popping, gone.

Its what I needed
This bath is great
The ending to my exhausting day

↑ the world's best mom ↓

Sun, Jan 16 2011, 7:33 pm

Thanks Mummie dearest, but I ate too much real chocolate today, and now I'm Fleishig so I can't finish the rest of it.

Yes, it was a bad day. My kids gave me a hard time over Shabbos, and I missed my precious Shabbos nap. I don't do well without my Shabbos nap. Today I was so tired, I had a big headache, and tons to do. The kids were all talking and screaming and fighting all at once, and ds kept hurting everyone. Every toy we own must have been dumped out on the living room floor. So I took a short nap and I wrote my poem. That got me through til bedtime tonight and then I ran away. I left dh in charge, I took my needle point and went to my mother's house where I ate a normal supper, played scrabble, did my needlepoint, and felt much better. Now I'm ready to take a good bath and go to sleep. Superjew, your poem will hopefully describe how I will feel in my beloved bath.

The "you" I didn't want to deal with was my kids and the mess and the laundry. I dealt with them all, though without much patience.

Shuly

Thu, Jan 20 2011, 2:16 am

sunshine! wrote:

The quiet in the room,
The tension in the air,
The beeping of machinery,
The only way I know you’re here

I hold onto your hand
Our fingers intertwined
Begging Hashem for mercy
He’s a G-d that’s kind

We were young with bright futures
Our days of youth have passed
Our carefree, young existence
Who’d believe it wouldn’t last

The doctors in somber tones
Informed me of the news
There’s a disease raging inside you
It’s a battle you may lose

I’m afraid to leave your bedside
Afraid to go away
Who knows what might then happen
Will you live another day

I talk and fill the empty space
Pretending you could hear
I reminisce of times gone by
But this facade of normal I can’t bear

We were supposed to grow old together
That was the plan we made
You rocking in the twilight
Me with the hearing aid

They come and go, those nurses
They flit by wearing white
And every bleep and pulse of noise
Makes me shudder here in fright

They tell me to prepare myself
To say goodbye to you
How can I do that, what can I say
This I am not prepared to do

I sit here in the darkness
I see each labored breath you take
I know that it is my will that binds you
But this sacrifice I refuse to make

But I cannot bear your suffering
As in your haze you thrash and moan
And finally I give in and say
Hashem, just take him home

And then, as your soul soared heavenward
I thought I heard you say
Don’t worry dearest, I am here
Watching over you each day

this brought tears to my eyes