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-> The Imamother Writing Club
sunshine!
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 Thu, Jan 13 2011, 8:06 am
Seeing that people do better with prose than poetry, I have taken the liberty of starting a new thread for short stories, essays or whatever.
Last edited by sunshine! on Mon, Jun 10 2013, 8:28 pm; edited 2 times in total
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HindaRochel
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Thu, Jan 13 2011, 9:12 am
Living here on the Yishuv I often see little ones behaving...dangerously. It is not uncommon to see the young flip across the street as if it were just another part of the sidewalk; I'm astounded that there haven't been more serious accidents. I am certain G-d is watching.
On the way to work today I saw one little guy, I'll call him Benny, approach the street as a car raced past. My heart went into my throat! I know Benny...he's a sweet, hyperactive tyke, halfway between cherub and imp, with stunning cinnamon-brown locks and deep, dark brown eyes that make you just one to hug him up. But there is no stopping to hug Benny! He's always chasing about, running hither and thither, always after the "big boys". He really doesn't seem to get he is a dwarf compared to some of these other fellows!! He certainly gives his family a run for the money! And he's a little escape artist to boot! So don't blame his family for his escapades.
So like I said, car's coming to fast for me to get across and there I stood heart in throat. As soon as the car passed I started across to help Benny across the rest of the way but Benny quickly looked left, right and left again and then, like so many who have "just learned how to cross the street" just as fast as his little legs could take him, and headed for home.
I wanted to go congratulate his mom on training her child so well; but his mother doesn't speak English all that well. Besides she's a b****.
Oh and in case you want an idea of what Benny looks like, here he is!
Benny
Now isn't he sweet?
(the best I can do. Don't really have a pic of him.)
***************************************************************************************
(I actually am amazed that there aren't more serious accidents with the two legged imps on this Yishuv. G-d really is watching over them.)
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HindaRochel
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Thu, Jan 13 2011, 9:16 am
| sunshine! wrote: | Seeing that people do better with prose than poetry, I have taken the liberty of starting a new thread for short stories, essays or whatever.
“Well Fraidy,” she heard herself saying,” One day Hashem will send your son a special friend. One that will look past his slight deformity and look straight into his soul. And when that special friend will, he will find caring, warmth and a wellspring of emotion. And they will be true friends forever, just like you and I.” |
I love this...especially the karma aspect of it all and how Esty became Fraidy's angel just as Fraidy had been Esty's angel.
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PinkFridge
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Thu, Jan 13 2011, 10:34 am
I like this, and hope to contribute.
Please don't take this personally, but may I suggest to everyone skipping lines between paragraphs? More people will read what you have to say.
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mummiedearest
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Thu, Jan 13 2011, 10:40 am
here's the thing.
believe it or not, I'm more a prose person than anything else. however, I have a hard time reading long posts on this forum, and I hate reading anything longer than a couple of paragraphs on the computer. it bothers me. I think I'm not the only one, and that's probably why we have an abundance of poetry in the writing club. I haven't read the op yet for a number of reasons.
a) it's LONG.
b) I saw the title. growing pains? is this another sobbing teenage piece? I'll read it and find out, but right now I'm hesitant. also, growing pains as a title is a bit overused. I know it's a common theme, but there are other titles out there.
sunshine, I apologize if this is too harsh. I will read the piece and see what it's about.
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PinkFridge
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Thu, Jan 13 2011, 10:44 am
| mummiedearest wrote: | here's the thing.
believe it or not, I'm more a prose person than anything else. however, I have a hard time reading long posts on this forum, and I hate reading anything longer than a couple of paragraphs on the computer. it bothers me. I think I'm not the only one, and that's probably why we have an abundance of poetry in the writing club. I haven't read the op yet for a number of reasons.
a) it's LONG.
b) I saw the title. growing pains? is this another sobbing teenage piece? I'll read it and find out, but right now I'm hesitant. also, growing pains as a title is a bit overused. I know it's a common theme, but there are other titles out there.
sunshine, I apologize if this is too harsh. I will read the piece and see what it's about. |
I'm not the only one! I think I'm of a generation that processes better on paper than screen.
There's so much to keep up with. I do hope I'll have time to check into the writing forum. Thanks to all involved in getting it off the ground.
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momtomany
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Thu, Jan 13 2011, 10:57 am
sunshine,
I had to login just to tell you that your story made me cry.
literally tears rolling down my cheeks. very touching.
thank you for posting.
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robynm
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Thu, Jan 13 2011, 11:00 am
well you guyz are missing out...
I liked the story sunshine! very moving!
and hindarochel! I was actually surprised!! very creative 
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mummiedearest
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Thu, Jan 13 2011, 11:26 am
ok, sunshine, I will comment. I know you're open to criticism.
this story doesn't speak to me. yes, there's pain in all these problems. but the story seems contrived. there's nothing new in here. anyone could have written this. it's a formula story: person a has a handicap. person b can relate. person b says something inspirational to make person a feel better.
in real life, person a wouldn't feel better. then again, in real life the mother would probably try to hide the tears and teach her son that he can't become the victim. he has to stand up for himself. crying about it in front of him sends him the wrong message.
I don't know you, and I don't know if you've experienced any of this. I was bullied in school until around sixth grade. I don't have any visible handicap that would have made me a butt of jokes. I was shy, had glasses, had no sense of style, and came from a less-than-rich family. oh, and I was smart. I needed help dealing with some kids, but my arch-nemesis was dealable. I talked back to her. she gave up bothering me in sixth grade, and I have bumped into her in the streets and had a chat with her recently. I have no hang-up about my glasses, and the entire experience taught me to enjoy my uniqueness.
this story sounds like you're writing about something you haven't experienced firsthand. reread your own story leaving out any mention of physical handicaps, and you'll see find that the handicaps are the reason people find this story inspiring.
sunshine, please excuse my being blunt this way. I know you enjoy writing, and I think you can write something very real.
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HindaRochel
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Thu, Jan 13 2011, 11:28 am
| robynm wrote: | well you guyz are missing out...
I liked the story sunshine! very moving!
and hindarochel! I was actually surprised!! very creative |
I think a lot of people are missing the surprise.
I sort of want to print it out and give it to my friend, the human "mommy" (who came racing down the street looking for her pet a few minutes later) but while she speaks English she isn't native, so I'm afraid she might miss the joke.
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mummiedearest
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Thu, Jan 13 2011, 11:29 am
| HindaRochel wrote: | Living here on the Yishuv I often see little ones behaving...dangerously. It is not uncommon to see the young flip across the street as if it were just another part of the sidewalk; I'm astounded that there haven't been more serious accidents. I am certain G-d is watching.
On the way to work today I saw one little guy, I'll call him Benny, approach the street as a car raced past. My heart went into my throat! I know Benny...he's a sweet, hyperactive tyke, halfway between cherub and imp, with stunning cinnamon-brown locks and deep, dark brown eyes that make you just one to hug him up. But there is no stopping to hug Benny! He's always chasing about, running hither and thither, always after the "big boys". He really doesn't seem to get he is a dwarf compared to some of these other fellows!! He certainly gives his family a run for the money! And he's a little escape artist to boot! So don't blame his family for his escapades.
So like I said, car's coming to fast for me to get across and there I stood heart in throat. As soon as the car passed I started across to help Benny across the rest of the way but Benny quickly looked left, right and left again and then, like so many who have "just learned how to cross the street" just as fast as his little legs could take him, and headed for home.
I wanted to go congratulate his mom on training her child so well; but his mother doesn't speak English all that well. Besides she's a b****.
Oh and in case you want an idea of what Benny looks like, here he is!
Benny
Now isn't he sweet?
(the best I can do. Don't really have a pic of him.)
***************************************************************************************
(I actually am amazed that there aren't more serious accidents with the two legged imps on this Yishuv. G-d really is watching over them.) |
I love the picture of benny. 
one suggestion: use exclamation points sparingly. otherwise, totally believable.
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robynm
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Thu, Jan 13 2011, 11:32 am
| HindaRochel wrote: | | robynm wrote: | well you guyz are missing out...
I liked the story sunshine! very moving!
and hindarochel! I was actually surprised!! very creative |
I think a lot of people are missing the surprise.
I sort of want to print it out and give it to my friend, the human "mommy" (who came racing down the street looking for her pet a few minutes later) but while she speaks English she isn't native, so I'm afraid she might miss the joke. |
I wonder if ppl click on benny to see his picture? bc ill admit, I almost didn't. and you def should give that woman a copy. I am not an animal person, so I can never understand those kind of ppl!
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robynm
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Thu, Jan 13 2011, 11:35 am
| mummiedearest wrote: | ok, sunshine, I will comment. I know you're open to criticism.
this story doesn't speak to me. yes, there's pain in all these problems. but the story seems contrived. there's nothing new in here. anyone could have written this. it's a formula story: person a has a handicap. person b can relate. person b says something inspirational to make person a feel better.
in real life, person a wouldn't feel better. then again, in real life the mother would probably try to hide the tears and teach her son that he can't become the victim. he has to stand up for himself. crying about it in front of him sends him the wrong message.
I don't know you, and I don't know if you've experienced any of this. I was bullied in school until around sixth grade. I don't have any visible handicap that would have made me a butt of jokes. I was shy, had glasses, had no sense of style, and came from a less-than-rich family. oh, and I was smart. I needed help dealing with some kids, but my arch-nemesis was dealable. I talked back to her. she gave up bothering me in sixth grade, and I have bumped into her in the streets and had a chat with her recently. I have no hang-up about my glasses, and the entire experience taught me to enjoy my uniqueness.
this story sounds like you're writing about something you haven't experienced firsthand. reread your own story leaving out any mention of physical handicaps, and you'll see find that the handicaps are the reason people find this story inspiring.
sunshine, please excuse my being blunt this way. I know you enjoy writing, and I think you can write something very real. |
Hi mummidearest! you know I think you're wonderful and very talented. But this is too much! How do you know what sunshine has or has not experienced?!? and just because you were able to over come your challenge of being made fun of until the 6th grade, does not mean that everyone else feels the same way! I think that your comments are not entirely fair.
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HindaRochel
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Thu, Jan 13 2011, 11:39 am
| mummiedearest wrote: | | HindaRochel wrote: | Living here on the Yishuv I often see little ones behaving...dangerously. It is not uncommon to see the young flip across the street as if it were just another part of the sidewalk; I'm astounded that there haven't been more serious accidents. I am certain G-d is watching.
On the way to work today I saw one little guy, I'll call him Benny, approach the street as a car raced past. My heart went into my throat! I know Benny...he's a sweet, hyperactive tyke, halfway between cherub and imp, with stunning cinnamon-brown locks and deep, dark brown eyes that make you just one to hug him up. But there is no stopping to hug Benny! He's always chasing about, running hither and thither, always after the "big boys". He really doesn't seem to get he is a dwarf compared to some of these other fellows!! He certainly gives his family a run for the money! And he's a little escape artist to boot! So don't blame his family for his escapades.
So like I said, car's coming to fast for me to get across and there I stood heart in throat. As soon as the car passed I started across to help Benny across the rest of the way but Benny quickly looked left, right and left again and then, like so many who have "just learned how to cross the street" just as fast as his little legs could take him, and headed for home.
I wanted to go congratulate his mom on training her child so well; but his mother doesn't speak English all that well. Besides she's a b****.
Oh and in case you want an idea of what Benny looks like, here he is!
Benny
Now isn't he sweet?
(the best I can do. Don't really have a pic of him.)
***************************************************************************************
(I actually am amazed that there aren't more serious accidents with the two legged imps on this Yishuv. G-d really is watching over them.) |
I love the picture of benny.
one suggestion: use exclamation points sparingly. otherwise, totally believable. |
I will take the exclamation advice as I KNOW I do that too much. Thank you for the critque. And it is totally believable because it happened this morning. Easier to write about than the time a child I know was literally another inch from being hit. I think my heart did skip a beat...as did the heart of the driver.
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mummiedearest
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Thu, Jan 13 2011, 11:58 am
| robynm wrote: | | mummiedearest wrote: | ok, sunshine, I will comment. I know you're open to criticism.
this story doesn't speak to me. yes, there's pain in all these problems. but the story seems contrived. there's nothing new in here. anyone could have written this. it's a formula story: person a has a handicap. person b can relate. person b says something inspirational to make person a feel better.
in real life, person a wouldn't feel better. then again, in real life the mother would probably try to hide the tears and teach her son that he can't become the victim. he has to stand up for himself. crying about it in front of him sends him the wrong message.
I don't know you, and I don't know if you've experienced any of this. I was bullied in school until around sixth grade. I don't have any visible handicap that would have made me a butt of jokes. I was shy, had glasses, had no sense of style, and came from a less-than-rich family. oh, and I was smart. I needed help dealing with some kids, but my arch-nemesis was dealable. I talked back to her. she gave up bothering me in sixth grade, and I have bumped into her in the streets and had a chat with her recently. I have no hang-up about my glasses, and the entire experience taught me to enjoy my uniqueness.
this story sounds like you're writing about something you haven't experienced firsthand. reread your own story leaving out any mention of physical handicaps, and you'll see find that the handicaps are the reason people find this story inspiring.
sunshine, please excuse my being blunt this way. I know you enjoy writing, and I think you can write something very real. |
Hi mummidearest! you know I think you're wonderful and very talented. But this is too much! How do you know what sunshine has or has not experienced?!? and just because you were able to over come your challenge of being made fun of until the 6th grade, does not mean that everyone else feels the same way! I think that your comments are not entirely fair. |
I don't. I don't know if she's experienced any of this, and I said that. I just think this story doesn't give me reason to believe she has. (no reason to tell me I'm wonderful/talented, btw. I don't mind you saying it's too much.) part of the reason I wrote so extensively was the difficulty in communicating via discussion forum. part of it is because I really respect sunshine as a writer and feel she can do way better. I know my experiences don't make a difference in what other people think. I just felt she brushed over the whole concept of learning from being bullied. esty obviously didn't. her only supportive thing to say is that one day he'll have a friend. I know it's meant to sound nice, but I found that downright depressing.
I mention her possible lack of experience because I found some of her poems (also of unhappy nature) to be much more believable. I really get the impression she's experienced her poems.
sunshine, please forgive me for being so blunt. if I hurt you in any way, I apologize. I do think you've got talent. I would also like to mention that I have always had a problem with the "inspirational story" genre, so perhaps I'm just a sour grape. I've always seen them as emotionally false. I don't mean to be insensitive to your experience if you've had it. you're welcome to shoot me with an emoticon arrow if you wish. as many as you like, actually.
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HindaRochel
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Thu, Jan 13 2011, 12:13 pm
| robynm wrote: | | HindaRochel wrote: | | robynm wrote: | well you guyz are missing out...
I liked the story sunshine! very moving!
and hindarochel! I was actually surprised!! very creative |
I think a lot of people are missing the surprise.
I sort of want to print it out and give it to my friend, the human "mommy" (who came racing down the street looking for her pet a few minutes later) but while she speaks English she isn't native, so I'm afraid she might miss the joke. |
I wonder if ppl click on benny to see his picture? bc ill admit, I almost didn't. and you def should give that woman a copy. I am not an animal person, so I can never understand those kind of ppl! |
Someone else suggested that it wasn't clear enough...I was just afraid of making it too obvious. I'll have to give it some thought. Also dh caught grammar errors. I'm very good at making grammar errors. I wish some of these rather unorthodox talents I have would pay, but no...G-d blesses me such abilities as being able to read dyslexic thoughts and get lost easily.
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chocolate fondue
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Thu, Jan 13 2011, 3:30 pm
| HindaRochel wrote: | | robynm wrote: | | HindaRochel wrote: | | robynm wrote: | well you guyz are missing out...
I liked the story sunshine! very moving!
and hindarochel! I was actually surprised!! very creative |
I think a lot of people are missing the surprise.
I sort of want to print it out and give it to my friend, the human "mommy" (who came racing down the street looking for her pet a few minutes later) but while she speaks English she isn't native, so I'm afraid she might miss the joke. |
I wonder if ppl click on benny to see his picture? bc ill admit, I almost didn't. and you def should give that woman a copy. I am not an animal person, so I can never understand those kind of ppl! |
Someone else suggested that it wasn't clear enough...I was just afraid of making it too obvious. I'll have to give it some thought. Also dh caught grammar errors. I'm very good at making grammar errors. I wish some of these rather unorthodox talents I have would pay, but no...G-d blesses me such abilities as being able to read dyslexic thoughts and get lost easily. |
what does that mean?
Love the story by the way. I'm glad I clicked on the picture!
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the world's best mom
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Thu, Jan 13 2011, 7:24 pm
Sunshine, I almost didn't read your story because it was long, but after reading some of the comments, I went back and read it. I'm glad I did. It reminded me of your poems. I thought it seemed like you did know what it feels like to have a child with a disability.
Sorry to disagree with you, Mummie dearest, but do you happen to have a child with a disability? I do. It's very difficult for a mother to watch her child who has been through so much get picked on. It's not always possible to hold back the tears. Tears flow very easily when a person tries to help her child through things that children should not have to experience.
This reminds me of a recent dentist appointment for dd. I told the dentist that dd's speech therapist thinks she should have space maintainers to replace her front teeth which were surgically removed a couple of years ago. Her speech would be much more intelligible if she had something there to stabilize her lips. The dentist sent dd to get prizes from down the hall before she answered me.
"You know, your daughter wears braces on both legs. She has glasses. Do you really want to give her something else to make her stand out? And then we would have to tell her that she can't eat candy or chew gum. Do you really want her to have more restrictions than she already has?"
With tears in my eyes, I told the dentist that she was right. My daughter has been through enough. She has had numerous casts on her legs (22 in total). She wears leg braces and glasses. And yes, I cry when things go wrong for her, because she is too little to be dealing with all of this. She is a 4 year old who only wants to wear her shabbos shoes on Shabbos, and she cries every week because she is only allowed to wear them for 2 hours a day. She goes to B'nos every week in sneakers over her braces and she hates it.
She had casts as a baby, and then again as she was about to turn 4. This time around, the casts were always put on on Fridays. The first week, she came home so proud to show everyone her casts. She hadn't cried at all thoughout the whole ordeal of getting them put on. After we came home and went to my mother's house for Shabbos, everyone had seen her casts already, so she innocently said, "Okay, Mommy, I want to take them off now." I was holding back my tears as I answered, "I'm sorry, sweetie, these don't come off." She cried for a while then, but was soon crawling around the house, playing with ehr siblings and her cousin.
When Shabbos started, she said, "Can I wear my Shabbos shoes now?"
Again there were tears for both of us as I explained that she wasn't going to be wearing her beloved Shabbos shoes for a long time. Life with a disability is not fair, and it's so hard for a mother to watch her child experience such harsh conditions and not be able to help.
I'm sorry if I'm rambling to much. I just wrote the thoughts that came to my mind, as they came. I don't know if they prove anything, but my point is that the mother's reaction in sunshine's story is actually realistic.
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mummiedearest
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Thu, Jan 13 2011, 9:46 pm
| the world's best mom wrote: | Sunshine, I almost didn't read your story because it was long, but after reading some of the comments, I went back and read it. I'm glad I did. It reminded me of your poems. I thought it seemed like you did know what it feels like to have a child with a disability.
Sorry to disagree with you, Mummie dearest, but do you happen to have a child with a disability? I do. It's very difficult for a mother to watch her child who has been through so much get picked on. It's not always possible to hold back the tears. Tears flow very easily when a person tries to help her child through things that children should not have to experience.
This reminds me of a recent dentist appointment for dd. I told the dentist that dd's speech therapist thinks she should have space maintainers to replace her front teeth which were surgically removed a couple of years ago. Her speech would be much more intelligible if she had something there to stabilize her lips. The dentist sent dd to get prizes from down the hall before she answered me.
"You know, your daughter wears braces on both legs. She has glasses. Do you really want to give her something else to make her stand out? And then we would have to tell her that she can't eat candy or chew gum. Do you really want her to have more restrictions than she already has?"
With tears in my eyes, I told the dentist that she was right. My daughter has been through enough. She has had numerous casts on her legs (22 in total). She wears leg braces and glasses. And yes, I cry when things go wrong for her, because she is too little to be dealing with all of this. She is a 4 year old who only wants to wear her shabbos shoes on Shabbos, and she cries every week because she is only allowed to wear them for 2 hours a day. She goes to B'nos every week in sneakers over her braces and she hates it.
She had casts as a baby, and then again as she was about to turn 4. This time around, the casts were always put on on Fridays. The first week, she came home so proud to show everyone her casts. She hadn't cried at all thoughout the whole ordeal of getting them put on. After we came home and went to my mother's house for Shabbos, everyone had seen her casts already, so she innocently said, "Okay, Mommy, I want to take them off now." I was holding back my tears as I answered, "I'm sorry, sweetie, these don't come off." She cried for a while then, but was soon crawling around the house, playing with ehr siblings and her cousin.
When Shabbos started, she said, "Can I wear my Shabbos shoes now?"
Again there were tears for both of us as I explained that she wasn't going to be wearing her beloved Shabbos shoes for a long time. Life with a disability is not fair, and it's so hard for a mother to watch her child experience such harsh conditions and not be able to help.
I'm sorry if I'm rambling to much. I just wrote the thoughts that came to my mind, as they came. I don't know if they prove anything, but my point is that the mother's reaction in sunshine's story is actually realistic. |
I stand corrected. thank you for sharing this.
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