(I dare you not to look) WRITERS CLUB part 2

↑ theoneandonly ↓

Mon, Jan 10 2011, 9:51 am

sunshine! wrote:

I feel like the glue
Holding all the ends together
Mending the broken hearts
Repairing the shattered dreams
Connecting the drifting souls

But there comes a time
That even the biggest size bottle of glue
Dries out
And that's me
A dried out bottle of glue

I like critique. It helps me perfect my writing skills and is a glimpse of my readers' reaction to my pieces.

LOVE the metaphor!

↑ the world's best mom ↓

Mon, Jan 10 2011, 9:56 am

Superjew, your poem is very nice. I agree that raising children helps people learn more about who they are themselves.

Noone has any comments on my poems?

↑ superjew ↓

Mon, Jan 10 2011, 9:57 am

Thanks, theone&only. I understand & appreciate ur opinion. I feel like my writing is reflective of my deep moments/feelings. But if I'm in a good mood it takes me longer to write for some reason but I will write some more chipper poems when I can Smile

maybe soon!

↑ mummiedearest ↓

Mon, Jan 10 2011, 10:01 am

superjew wrote:

mummiedearest wrote:

superjew wrote:

mummiedearest wrote:

sunshine! wrote:

mummiedearest wrote:

sunshine! wrote:

I would love for someone (or everyone!) to critique my work!

ok. your themes are very clear to the reader. you have interesting word choices. (I've always loved the word "cacophony.") very understandable poems. certainly emotional, very human. it is easy to connect with you as an author.

constructive criticism: there are times when your insistence on rhyme is distracting. you sometimes compromise your syllable count and grammar in order to have the line rhyme.this wouldn't matter if the rest of the content weren't so well-structured. I think you're very good with structure in general. there's also the question of the word "could" as past tense when the rest of the poem is in the present.

curious, do you rhyme your poems for a particular reason? I've noticed a lot of people here are heavily into rhyming. I find it very interesting.

Thanks for your constructive criticism. It frustrates me too, that I feel I have to confine myself into the rhyme thing. I usually get a poem going, in rhyme form and then somehow somewhere my point gets lost or the rhythm is not synced anymore as I try to convey what I am trying to say without losing the flavor of the rhyme. I have written poems that don't rhyme, but a lot of my poems start off in my head and the way I remember them is by rhyming the lines so it gets this sort of rhythm/beat going until I can get the chance to scribble it down. If this sounds weird to you, you are not alone. The other night I was telling my husband (who happens to be in the music industry) that I made up a song in my head-he looked at me weird and said "Um, how do you make a tune in your head? Don't you have to sing it?" I guess I am weird like that. I DID sing it-in my head....

lol. I sing in my head too. you're not weird, just musical. so you're saying you sort of think in rhyme when writing? that's really interesting. have you tried using the beat without the rhyme? I wonder if that would work. I generally don't work with beat or rhyme, I gave it up long ago. it never worked well for me. then again, I gave up punctuation and capitalization in poetry too. unless it served a purpose. I guess I just like breaking rules. have you ever tried changing the rhyme scheme for just one stanza? I think that could be interesting...

Yea, I do that too. Well not song sing, but rhyme & poetry sing. It just flows sometimes. Not always does it rhyme though. But when I write I just write what flows in my mind, I hate needing to think about something because it just wont be good (to me). I'll be writing my I piece shortly. BTW, I love all your guys so far I just can't always critique because as I said earlier I'm not that literate.

you're plenty literate. you don't have to count syllables or analyze grammar. critique can just be ""phrase x made me feel y. I'm not sure I understand the wording in phrase d." these comments can be very helpful. when you read someone else's poem, doesn't anything pop out at you?

Well, thanks Smile

I guess you're right. I meant to say that I'm not into the whole grammar & counting syllables thing, I guess. Of course I'd love to hear critique, I dont want people ignoring my poem LOL

Though I know that it isn't perfect so not critique in that way. Maybe what you took of it, what you liked & understood/didnt understand etc.

grammar and counting syllables are second nature to me, which is why I mention them. if something is off about grammar/syllables, I notice that before the theme of the poem. this is why I mention them. I think most people won't comment on those things anyway. if you want me to leave out structural stuff, I'm fine with that Smile

↑ mummiedearest ↓

Mon, Jan 10 2011, 10:05 am

robynm wrote:

nu mummidearest?

ok, just saw this now. were you waiting for my critique? lol. I'm touched. now then, back to my schoolwork. haha. this is way more fun.

I'll be bahk! Twisted Evil

↑ superjew ↓

Mon, Jan 10 2011, 10:15 am

Here's a short one I thought of:
Who am I?
One does not know
Nor I

I am me
I am she
One in the same
Its all I can be

↑ mummiedearest ↓

Mon, Jan 10 2011, 10:29 am

superjew wrote:

Here's a short one I thought of:
Who am I?
One does not know
Nor I

I am me
I am she
One in the same
Its all I can be

sorry, posted before typing by mistake. see next post.

Last edited by mummiedearest on Mon, Jan 10 2011, 10:30 am; edited 1 time in total

↑ mummiedearest ↓

Mon, Jan 10 2011, 10:29 am

superjew wrote:

Here's a short one I thought of:
Who am I?
One does not know
Nor I

I am me
I am she
One in the same
Its all I can be

asks a question, gives no answer.

reminds me of the smothers brothers' song, "my quest"

I've been a lot of places
and I've seen a lot of faces
so I know
I must be going somewhere

the world keeps spinning
and I'm always just beginning
to begin
but I never really get there

the time and the seasons go on
but all the rhyme and the reasons are gone
I know I'll discover
after it's all over and done...

I should have been a nun.

ok, so it's different than your poem. I'm free-associating here. Smile

but it does the same thing: asks a question but provides no answer. the singer is male, he can't be a nun by definition.

you define yourself as "me" and "she," which are equally undefined pronouns. so how can you be those?

↑ superjew ↓

Mon, Jan 10 2011, 10:57 am

The answer is 'one will never know who I am, nor I' but again, I don't put too much thought into it. I just wrote

↑ theoneandonly ↓

Mon, Jan 10 2011, 11:02 am

the world's best mom wrote:

Alone with me

I’m alone in the house.
Noone’s in here but me.
I begin to think
Am I who I want to be?

I’m a mother of three.
I try to be a good wife.
I have many hobbies
That add to my life.

I feel quite fulfilled.
I think I’ve done well.
(Though I’ve made some mistakes
Which I hope you won’t tell.)

I have some good friends
And we have lots of fun.
Not too many enemies
From whom I must run.

Then I think what will happen
Achar Mayah V’Esrim.
Will Hashem think I’m good
When I return to Heaven?

What about all of the
Lashon Hara I’ve said,
And the times that I’ve potched
My kids who were bad?

Did I really keep Shabbos
The best that I could?
Do I respect my husband
As much as I should?

And how many times
Have I seen people in need?
Have I tried to help out
Or was I too full of greed?

While it’s easy to think
I’m the best I can be,
It’s important to remember
Hashem Who created me.

For His eye always sees
And His ear always hears.
He hears our hearts secrets
And sees all our fears.

He knows when we try
The hardest we can,
And He knows when we’re lazy,
He Who created man.

I'm jealous of your rhyming ability. I feel like I can't rhyme without sounding like Dr Seuss, but your rhymes flow really well, and the short lines give the poem a good rhythm.

↑ mummiedearest ↓

Mon, Jan 10 2011, 11:05 am

superjew wrote:

The answer is 'one will never know who I am, nor I' but again, I don't put too much thought into it. I just wrote

but if you answered the question, why not leave it at that? and in that case, why will you never know who you are?

just curious, what's the first thing you say when someone asks you about yourself? is this a question of really not knowing who you are, or having too many roles to decide which one is your primary identity in life?

if my english class demeanor bothers you, tell me to stop Smile

↑ mummiedearest ↓

Mon, Jan 10 2011, 11:10 am

theoneandonly wrote:

the world's best mom wrote:

I'm jealous of your rhyming ability. I feel like I can't rhyme without sounding like Dr Seuss, but your rhymes flow really well, and the short lines give the poem a good rhythm.

hey, hey! what's wrong with sounding like dr. seuss? the man was an incredibly successful children's author and illustrator as well as political commentator. if you sound like dr. seuss, you should be proud!

now then, world's best mom,

do you really consider laziness to be the opposite of trying hard? did you mean laziness, or apathy? this poem seems to be a chesbon hanefesh. it's interesting to see that all boil down to being lazy.

↑ robynm ↓

Mon, Jan 10 2011, 11:13 am

less talking, more writing. aherm!

↑ mummiedearest ↓

Mon, Jan 10 2011, 11:31 am

robynm requests I write
and not discuss the writings.
I suspect she likes the sight
of poems,
but not fightings.

there, I rhymed something.

criticise, please Smile

↑ robynm ↓

Mon, Jan 10 2011, 11:40 am

oy!!! you know what I meant Rolling Eyes

and while im here (ignoring my work) I have a request: if ppl wouldnt mind, writing after their piece whether or not they want to be critiqued.

write something like

critique please! Idea

or

no critique, thank you! 8)

thanks!!!

↑ robynm ↓

Mon, Jan 10 2011, 11:42 am

mummiedearest wrote:

robynm requests I write
and not discuss the writings.
I suspect she likes the sight
of poems,
but not fightings.

there, I rhymed something.

criticise, please Smile

hmmm im wondering what the writer means by this? is this literal? sarcastic? Wink

Lady Godiva ↓

Mon, Jan 10 2011, 12:02 pm

Edit

Last edited by Lady Godiva on Mon, Dec 09 2013, 9:17 pm; edited 1 time in total

↑ the world's best mom ↓

Mon, Jan 10 2011, 12:05 pm

mummiedearest wrote:

theoneandonly wrote:

the world's best mom wrote:

I'm jealous of your rhyming ability. I feel like I can't rhyme without sounding like Dr Seuss, but your rhymes flow really well, and the short lines give the poem a good rhythm.

First, I have to set one thing straight. I LIKE DR. SEUSS. I think he's written great books for kids and he taught me how to read.

Now, back to business. This is the definition of lazy:
la·zy /ˈleɪzi/ Show Spelled
[ley-zee]
adjective, -zi·er, -zi·est, verb, -zied, -zy·ing.
–adjective
1. averse or disinclined to work, activity, or exertion; indolent.
2. causing idleness or indolence: a hot, lazy afternoon.
3. slow-moving; sluggish: a lazy stream.
4. (of a livestock brand) placed on its side instead of upright.
–verb (used without object)
5. to laze.
You see, laziness means not wanting to work, or try hard. I think that laziness accounts for a lot of things people do wrong, though there is also plenty that is not due to laziness. You're probably right, though. Apathy would cover a lot more of our misdeeds.

Last edited by the world's best mom on Mon, Jan 10 2011, 12:09 pm; edited 1 time in total

↑ the world's best mom ↓

Mon, Jan 10 2011, 12:08 pm

mummiedearest wrote:

robynm requests I write
and not discuss the writings.
I suspect she likes the sight
of poems,
but not fightings.

there, I rhymed something.

criticise, please Smile

This is a very clever poem. I like it. You should try rhyming more often.

↑ superjew ↓

Mon, Jan 10 2011, 12:09 pm

mummiedearest wrote:

superjew wrote:

The answer is 'one will never know who I am, nor I' but again, I don't put too much thought into it. I just wrote

Ok , stop! Tongue Out

I usually have meaning to what I write, but I dont like to go about it so seriously. I'm not sure which one it is, I just know that it something I'm not sure of (at times)