I would appreciate some Female Chizuk please!

bodybalance ↓

Mon, Jul 12 2010, 12:17 pm

So I went to the doctor for some lower abdomenal pain and he refers me to get an ultrasound and they see a happy little pregnancy sack (however u say it in English) on the screen.
First shock. I am pregnant.
A week goes by and I go for another appointment at my obgyn and he is rough and short with me...
Even tho I have high HCG levels, a positive home pregnancy tests and a preg sack on Ultra sound...
he is like you may be pregnant but it may not be viable... (he said it stam... there was no visible concern)
Then he refers me for a second ultrasound to see how its going..
and they discover another sack...
(I don't know how to say it in English... Im translating loosely from Hebrew.)
Second Shock! I may be pregnant with twins!

The obgyn's manner is so abrupt and unsupportive... it just made the shock a little harder to handle.

Anyway...
I am feeling REALLY overwhelmed...

I am the breadwinner in the family... have a demanding f/t job... (I have never been preg before)
and am studying in an intensive program. I have a second p/t job. I also do everything at home basically.
(food shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, lunches etc...)

My DH has one more year to his crazy intensive university program. He has zilch time at this point, but we thought next year he would have a "Lighter" load and hence we went off BC.

but I was prepared for one kid...
but on our financial budget and time limitations... the thought of having two kids in Israel... without a car... without family or close friends... or any daily support system... or the resources is totally freaking me out.

My DH will be able to chip in next year a bit more IYH... (if he passes his tests this semester...) but I feel totally out of my element.

All this with my obgyn telling me it may not viable until there is a heart beat.... so I am in no man's land...

and also I don't want to tell my family/friends until the beginning of the 2nd trimester... but my obgyn wont/cant tell me when I am due... so this is all kind of weighing on me...

I am also petrified of not functioning for work because of high risk preg, and intense nausea im experiencing... and all the weight gain of multiple pregnancy etc...

I think that is enough anxiety for the moment!

My DH is over the moon with excitement (which is good), but I could really use a talking down to... that this is your purpose as a woman... we all did it... so you can too etc... etc...

I would appreciate any words of sagely advice, support or just motherly words to a soon to be mother.

My first instinct was- I want my mommy! (who lives abroad...)

P.S. 4 amazing things happened since the 2nd ultrasound yesterday... A woman in the post office gave me chizuk and told me not to worry which made me cry obviously.... My boss randomly gave me a bonus, my grandfather sent me a gift of money and my motherinlaw came to visit and brought us tons of expensive fresh fruit and homemade food (that we needed!) .
I feel like Hashem just reached out and gave me a hug and said I just need to strengthen my Emuna and everything will be all right!

hila ↓

Mon, Jul 12 2010, 12:36 pm

first {{{{{{{ hugs }}}}}}}}}}}

2nd - change your doctor !! ask here or friends who is the nicest OBGYN around (look at old threads) and g to him/her. Even if you are on the Kupa you can change in the middle of a rivon. My dd was going to someone whoscared her with the results of some test... for no reason and tried to pressure her into an amnio. She now changed to a frum woman and is so much happier and in tune with her.

3rd BH you will have quite a few months to get used to the idea, and though it is overwhelming, it sounds like you do have quite a good support system in place . babies need living hand far more than they need money or expensive equipment.

There are plenty of gemachs and places to aquire the basics - try not to worry now about that.
And by law you get at least 14 weeks paid leave here (maybe more for twins I am sure Marion knows. she is the expert)

And as for all those nice things that happened in the last day - seems like Hashem is on your team... relax beH this will be a great pregnancy and with a healthy outcome

Beshaa tova

↑ bodybalance ↓

Mon, Jul 12 2010, 1:19 pm

Thanks Ladies!

I dearly appreciate it!

I belong to Kupat Cholim Leumit and I live in Jerusalem! I prefer using centrally located docs (mesilat yesharim or geula...) since it is local to work.

My support system is peripheral. My mil is amazing, but she works even harder than me and lives in a city 2 hours away... ..and I don't have anyone local...
but I am praying to Hashem that within X amount of months... I will find someone to help me thru it.

I went to a nurse this morning and she recommended some high risk preg ob-gyns...
so I will look into that.

Thanks for the feedback!

I would love to hear from someone who went through this... how they survived...
(but I assume they are too busy to hook up to imamother.) Smile

Question: What my ob-gyn said to me, is that normal, standard what docs say to first time mothers? Like to not get their hopes up?

PAMOM

Mon, Jul 12 2010, 1:40 pm

Absolutely this isn't typical for a dr. And it isn't nice or understanding! If there's a problem that he or she sees, of course he needs to tell you, sit down with you, explain what's going on, and so on. If there's no problem, why would he even say such a thing? If (for any reason), it's the dr's custom to let women know that, in his opinion, there's time to end the pregnancy if the woman wants, maybe he's saying that but that would also be really weird and make me uncomfortable unless I had asked the question.

This doesn't sound like someone who you'll be comfortable with. Find a new doctor. And until a dr tells you that there's a problem, assume you'll have healthy babies. In the meantime, I wish you hugs and a non-nauseaus rest of pregnancy!

Tamiri

Mon, Jul 12 2010, 1:51 pm

P.S. 4 amazing things happened since the 2nd ultrasound yesterday... A woman in the post office gave me chizuk and told me not to worry which made me cry obviously.... My boss randomly gave me a bonus, my grandfather sent me a gift of money and my motherinlaw came to visit and brought us tons of expensive fresh fruit and homemade food (that we needed!) .
I feel like Hashem just reached out and gave me a hug and said I just need to strengthen my Emuna and everything will be all right!

This, in my opinion, is all that counts. You realize where it's coming from, that it's a siman to you that everything will be absolutely fine. Your job is to say Modah Ani and take care of yourself and those babies growing inside you as best as you can. Things have a way of working out. Stress is just bad for you. Smile as much as you can. You are blessed!!! (My sister had twins #6 and #7 when her #5 was under 2 years old.... and she sailed through with flying colors. You will too, and then come back to give other mothers tips and advice on twinning!). Besha'a tova. This is very exciting.

shosh ↓

Mon, Jul 12 2010, 4:47 pm

Chayasc - first of all, wow!!!! That's great news, and very exciting! I can understand you finding it a little scary, but iy"H, you will come through.

As it happens, I can relate on a certain level as I have adorable twins, bli ayin hara, aged 9 now.

Maybe to make you feel better, I'll tell you a couple of things about me and my little treasures:
a. I never knew I was having twins till the night I gave birth to them. My little boy was born and I thought that was the end of a truly terrible pg, b"H, and then all of a sudden the midwife tells me I need an ultrasound. I got really scared and then they told me I had another one in there, and as the Americans say, "Whammo!" Six minutes later, I had a baby girl as well! It was a real shock, and so I have to say that you should be thankful that you know what you are in for, and iy"H, you will be much more prepared for it.

b. I also had no family. Apart from my five older kids, that is, the oldest of whom at that stage was seven. Suddenly I had seven kids in seven years. I really had no one to help me and to be honest I did feel like a wreck.

Now why am I telling you this whole story? Because I survived!!!!! (And even went on to have another baby afterwards!) I found that the key thing that helped me was getting neighbourhood girls to come in and sit with the kids (incl. the babies) for an hour or two each day so that I could get some sleep. Sleep is the key in the early days. I also learned how to nurse two babies at once - the hospital tried to mess me up with the nursing, but I had some good pple to help me at Beit hachlama - which is something else that you MUST do when they are born so that you can rest and eat well afterwards. I stayed there for a month - I got a massive whack from Bituach Leumi when they were born, and that's what we invested it in, but boy was it worth it! As these are your first, you might not need to stay as long as a month, but a week or two would certainly help you in terms of sleeping and eating and regaining your strength, plus you can get some practical tips on bathing, nursing, etc. Their staff is really caring. I also found a lovely lactation counselor who helped me get the knack with nursing two babies together. I went on to feed them for five months!

And when they grew up, they became delightful, and b"H they still are!!!!!

Enjoy them - I feel really excited for you! B"H! And it sounds like you've got a good, positive dh who is there for all three of you!!!! And that's a huge bracha! May you have only good and many more blessings throughout your pg!

↑ bodybalance ↓

Mon, Jul 12 2010, 5:23 pm

Thanks again for your responses...
I felt so numb with all the different pressures... I had a hard time letting all the joy in.
Smile

Raisin: my period was 2 weeks late and then I got it a month ago. The u/s tech said that it looks at least a month along... a week ago.
so either I had a bleeding while I was preg...
or im only 2 weeks preg (since mikva...)

its all around the same time...
but 2 weeks and 6 weeks mean dif things...

Thanks to all you women out there...

Thanks Shosh for saying it is doable... I can't believe you didn't know! Smile

That seems incredible! Did you have a difficult pregnancy? or did it seem the same as a singleton?

Dov dov, I am glad that it wasn't only my experience... so I will take it less personal. Smile

Ok, I am going to breathe more, read more and try and get some sleep- even tho I have been nauseas about 70 % of the day...

I feel like Hashem really wants me to expand my keli of what I think reality is or should be...
and like now I am entering the real world of adulthood... it has all been pretend until now. Smile

↑ shosh ↓

Mon, Jul 12 2010, 6:35 pm

Well, I did think at first that it was one big baby - and so did the doctor. He said afterwards that the shape of the womb was different from the average twin pg - and even though I looked huge, I actually matched my previous pg kilo for kilo, week by week (I lost weight but the babies gained). And that was for one small little girl! When I asked him why I felt so horrible and tired and was so huge, he said that it was one big baby, and what did I expect from six pregs in seven years?! Running after so many little kids at one time would make anyone feel knocked out during a pregnancy!

My holy ex was against ultrasounds, so I had no idea. The gyn tried listening with a sonogram and heard one heartbeat and was satisfied. So there you go ... I carried them till the end of the 39th week, and ds was born at 2.8 kg and dd at 2.4 - both right way round and born naturally. Total miracle!

sky

Mon, Jul 12 2010, 7:40 pm

shosh wrote:

[My MIL also didn't know she was having twins until after the first was born. And that was with an ultra - sound. The dr had said something to her like "this ultrasound machine must be broken, I'm seeing 2 heads]

Teomima

Wed, Jul 14 2010, 3:03 am

I'm also the breadwinner of our family while my husband is also in an intensive academic program. 17 months ago I gave birth two our two beautiful twin daughters and yes, it is doable!

Regarding finances, maternity leave here is 14 weeks of full pay, plus three more for twins. Also, sad as it is with twins one or both often ends up staying in the hospital a little longer and you get that time added to your leave (one of my girls spent three extra weeks in the NICU gaining weight and learning how to eat, so I had a total of 21 weeks leave, including the five days I was in the hospital after my c-section). On top of which there is the one-time grant which normally is only a fraction of the national average salary but for twins is the full amount, so that's over 7,000 NIS Bituach Leumi gives you after giving birth. Then of course there is the monthly child allowances, which isn't much but it's something.

I loved my OB. He was a high risk specialist and the head of the department at Hadassah Har Hatsofim, but I saw him through Meuhedet. I don't know anything about Leumit, sorry.

You will make it, this will be a challenging but exciting time in your life! If there's any more help/suggestions/advice I can offer, please don't hesitate to ask. Oh, and we too don't have a car but I bring my kids on the bus all the time. The Baby Safe Twin Savvy is an awesome stroller for taking on the bus. Everyone's beloved City Mini double is just wayyyyy to big and heavy, whereas I've seen single strollers larger than mine.

↑ bodybalance ↓

Wed, Jul 14 2010, 6:18 am

Thank you so much Kumphort and Teomima...

I would love to ask you guys more practical questions... which I will do when I have more time.

Thanks for saying it is doable...

I know every case is different...
but I think the fear of what will be is much greater than what actually will be.

Shosh your story just sounds unbelievable... Smile

You are making me doubt my HcG levels... which are doubling at a rapid pace.

One thing that concerns me is how it affects the relationship with my DH.
Will we be so swamped/exhausted that we will have no time or energy to talk or be together?
Did you have a positive experience?
If it was your "first"- did it make the adjustment much harder?

How did your personal sleeping schedule work out? Did you have a lot of practical help?

I was told by a (male) nurse today while doing a blood test- "Twins? Double the fun! It saves you a whole other pregnancy... 2 for the price of 1." Smile

And a random Shop keeper in an electronic store randomly blessed me... I bless you this year with twins!
(I don't look preg at all...) What a random Bracha...

If only he knew...

Thanks again!

May

Wed, Jul 14 2010, 6:41 am

Hi, another twin mommy chiming in here -

First of all, Bsha'a Tova! I think after the initial shock wears off you will hopefully start feeling excited. There is something very special about twins.

Also, I would advise that you don't worry so much yet - you don't know how it will be.
You actually might have a very easy pregnancy and be able to work through it until the end. (I am also the breadwinner and BH I worked until the day I delivered.)
You will probably gain more weight b/c you do have double of everything inside of you - but that stuff will come out. I don't know that the postpartum weight gain is necessarily so much more than a singleton birth. And as far as due dates, yea, there is a big difference between 2-6 weeks, but honestly with twins ya never know. The average for twins is 36 weeks gestation. Some make it to 38 some barely make it past 30, so anyway there is a huge range of when you will deliver (which just makes this more confusing not less -I'm sorry).
You will also hopefully get a lot of help from the community. When pple hear twins they will be extra willing to help out with both their time and their things. And you husband will hopefully pitch in a lot. Mine pitched in more than I would have ever thought him capable of.

The first few months were tough - I have to admit it. And yea, my husband and I had many late hours up with the babies and had very little time with each other. But htat last only max 5-6 months. then they got on a routine, went to sleep at a normal time in the evening and all of a sudden we had all this extra time we didn't know what to do with.

Running out of time, but feel free to PM me with anything.

↑ bodybalance ↓

Sun, Aug 01 2010, 8:54 am

Op here-

Thank you all for responding... I feel much calmer now and it became so much more real for me when I saw their heartbeats Smile

BH I am dealing with it... and the INTENSE nausea day by day...

but I have another dilemma.

Since this is my first time having kids and I am totally inexperienced with one, never mind two...
I feel like I want to make space for this in my life.

At the moment I work full time and I study part time.
I have a very intensive schedule.
I just paid for 2 more years of school.

I am feeling torn because at the moment, I am really low energy and I feel like I dont have the koach to start my new school year next week.
And I am due around Feb and that is when the next school year starts.
I feel like I don't want to take too much upon myself and don't want my kids to feel like the last priority...
and I don't know how I will function for the next 6- 7 months or post partum.

There is so much unknown.
Another aspect is financial. I am loaded down with heavy student loans that I pay back monthly...
and I feel irresponsible when I know we need to save every penny for after birth for either basic expenses or whatnot.

What I want to know is- if you think as a mother of twins that it is doable to work full time and then neglect them 2 nights a week while im in school. (*I would see my kids 5 days a week)
And if financially- it makes sense in your opinion.

I handle the finances at home, but I don't really know what to expect.
Childcare in Israel, all the clothes and stuff for babies and diapers and materna.... or whatnot.

I feel like this sitch is bigger than me and I am flexible to whatever life may demand from me...
I just want to do the right thing for my family (present and future).

I haven't told my inlaws yet and really need some sane, maternal advice from someone practical and experienced.

Thanks in advance. Smile

toastedbagel ↓

Sun, Aug 01 2010, 10:10 am

SWITCH DOCTORS FAST - that is not normal. Find a doctor that will be encouraging and informative, they do exist :-).
I had twins as my first. It was a revoltingly nauseating first few months, after that I was fine BH, although huge.
The first 5-6 months after they are born are hard - the most important thing for me was to keep them on the same schedule. When one twin woke up to eat, I would wake the other one up. Whenever I got too tired or lazy to do this, it became chaos and insane sleep deprivation, and I would find myself trying to remember if I had fed one of them twice while the other hadn't eaten... (BH neither one starved, and they are bli ayin hara delightful energetic boys who are almost six.) So don't fall into that trap - what one does, the other needs to do.
If you plan on nursing at all, make sure you have someone arranged to show you hands on how to do it, and be there for you as support while you get the hand of it. It is doable, I nursed mine for a year (simultaneously, until they started to play with each other instead of eat...), but it was a very rough and rocky start which took many weeks to really settle down. I stuck with it more because I was bull-headed and stubborn rather than because I had the right help, so take it from me and if you want to nurse, have the support system in place by speaking with a lactation consultant.
As for working and studying, see if there is a way you can postpone your schooling for a year from the birth. I just don't see it really possible to work 5 days, study 2 night, be a wife, a homemaker, and a first time mother of newborn twins - sounds like a recipe for a nervous breakdown.
BH you have the months ahead of you to put plans into place in advance. I would not go to work more than 2-3 days a week, and I would wait until they were 5-6 months old before starting.
As daunting as this may sound given what your plans may have been, and it may seem to you in your situation that you have to work, please realize that any situation can be worked around, and you will be glad in hindsight to have spent the time to be with them and to recover properly. They grow up so fast, and we have the tendency to play supermom and think we can do it all - but you don't want to turn around when they are 8 months old and find that you are completely worn out and you have missed out on precious moments with them when they are so little.
sorry such a long post!
Besaah tovah! and feel good!