If your child went off the derech

Tzippy

Tue, Apr 25 2006, 2:38 am

Kids rarely just go off for no reason. In many cases they are disappointed by lame answers to questions in emunah, or they feel let down by a frum respected person. There are some very unpleasant things that go in frum places that can be the cause of a child suddenly questioning their Torah observance.
The ideal life we paint of Jews teaches our children that in our world the rules are thus and if you don't follow them, you're an outsider. Many of these rules are chumros that are not halacha lemaseh. One has to be careful to differentiate if a kid is being oiver a real chiyuv, or is not conforming to a certain frum community's "uniform".
Kids also feel the need to express themselves and to feel unique. If we don't give them healthy outlets, then they will find outlets of their own choosing.
From the hashkafa point of view, Hashem gave you that child to raise-and he/she is your responsiblity. Throwing kids out to fend for themselves is confirming to the child that there is no place for him/her in the frum world.
Here is a true story so that you know I'm not taking this from a popular psychology book. My friend's daughter was out with friends and met a great looking 21 year old. He befriended her, and took her for a walk. He attacked her in the dark. Upset with herself, blaming herself, and feeling dirty, she kept it all in and did not tell her mom. She couldn't relate to her friends or her family and one night she ran away to live on the streets. Her mother was devastated and went on a long search to find her. When she did, she was hardly recognizable. The mother found out through therapy what happened and took her back in. Her younger brothers and sisters were devastated and embarrassed with the way she now was, and the whole family went for counseling. Frum neighbors saw the way she dressed (piercings,mini-skirts, halter tops) and called her some unsavory names to her face. Nothing helped change the girl until she ended up meeting with a great rebbetzin. When she met this great woman, the Rebbetzin stood up, hugged her, and blessed her that she should merit marrying a talmid chacham. Since then she has slowly come back.
So folks, if you meet a kid who is "off', give them the feeling that they are welcome and eventually they will know it in their hearts and actually return!

↑ amother

Wed, Apr 26 2006, 2:09 am

I'm glad this post was brought back to life becasue I had't noticed it before. It has given me chizuk to read some of the stories because I have a child who has given up alot (although "off-the-derech" may be too strong a term) especially in the area of tznius which has become a major problem when she visits us (admittedly, a problem for me). She left home voluntarily and is suporting herself, she's responsible and had many good qualities, and we think (and daven that it's so) that she still is shomer shabbos and keeps kosher. But I really struggle with fully accepting her partly because I think she should understand that I have values that are not negotiable and also because I want my other kids to see that this isn't an acceptable derech. I'm afraid that if they see unconditional acceptance of her ways they won't make the distintion that the behavior is not OK. I also struggle with resentment and hurt feelings. My other kids tell me that at least I shouldn't make comments to her about things I don't like and I've been trying to follow that advice even though it's hard, but I must admit that our relationship is still very strained. I'm not sure I'm enough of a tzadekes to accept her no matter what although I would not have forced her out of house.
But as I said it has helped to read some of these posts and I thank you all.